Love the Fuck the Patriarchy bracelet and I immediately got the Drusilla reference! I listen to Time to Lean podcast with Laura Danger and Crystal Britt and they’ve talked several times about The Tragedy of Heterosexuality by Jane Ward a lot over the last year and felt very similar to this discussion. And I’ve read several divorce memoirs too including Lyz Lenz, it’s tough to see elements of my own relationship there but I want all the stories to be told.
I have a 9 year old granddaughter and I’m definitely talking to her about how she can do things differently. She doesn’t need to fall into the trap that patriarchy has already set for her.
Unrelatedly read Want Me last week! It was fucking great - I feel like memoir doesn’t always inhabit each phase of life so well, and wow this memoir did.
If any straight women need some hope, I want to say that my dad is a good example. He was not formally educated much beyond junior high. He was of the generation before the boomers. And he and my mom had a very equitable marriage and child-rearing relationship. My mom was a very liberal person and when she met my dad in the 70s found out he wasn’t registered to vote and his very work class family thought the republicans would be the best candidates. My dad developed a political awareness over time that matched his actual values and didn’t require having academic knowledge or terminology. For example, he had always been in favor of body autonomy and pro-choice. But would have just called that minding his business and letting people make their own decisions.
He was also always deeply involved in the day-to-day work of parenting. He did 90% of the cooking. Made my mom lunch every day for her to take to work for 20 years. He did all the outside the house stuff but also did a lot of the inside stuff too. He was very involved in the neighborhood and did the connective work normally associated with women. He drove me to school and picked me up from junior high through college! He did laundry and dishes and mopped and vacuumed. And he did all of this without my mom ever asking or reminding him. She always said she was so lucky. She did so much too and my dad always did as much as he could because they loved each other so much and wanted to make each other’s lives easier and better.
My partner is very similar. My relationship has a caveat because we’re not cishet. But I will say even having such a good role model in my dad I still had two prior partners who were not a good fit and didn’t make it a priority to make the relationship equitable. It’s rough out there but something I read recently resonated: If a man can control his behavior at work, he can learn how to behave equitably at home. It’s a matter of desire.
Love the Fuck the Patriarchy bracelet and I immediately got the Drusilla reference! I listen to Time to Lean podcast with Laura Danger and Crystal Britt and they’ve talked several times about The Tragedy of Heterosexuality by Jane Ward a lot over the last year and felt very similar to this discussion. And I’ve read several divorce memoirs too including Lyz Lenz, it’s tough to see elements of my own relationship there but I want all the stories to be told.
Freaking love time to lean. In part because they call out my own patriarchal and defense mechanism shit alongside the patriarchy.
I have a 9 year old granddaughter and I’m definitely talking to her about how she can do things differently. She doesn’t need to fall into the trap that patriarchy has already set for her.
LOVE that you’re doing that, Annette!
Unrelatedly read Want Me last week! It was fucking great - I feel like memoir doesn’t always inhabit each phase of life so well, and wow this memoir did.
Ah, that is so nice to hear. So glad you enjoyed it!
Loved this! Thank you both.
What a total delight to experience you two in conversation!
If any straight women need some hope, I want to say that my dad is a good example. He was not formally educated much beyond junior high. He was of the generation before the boomers. And he and my mom had a very equitable marriage and child-rearing relationship. My mom was a very liberal person and when she met my dad in the 70s found out he wasn’t registered to vote and his very work class family thought the republicans would be the best candidates. My dad developed a political awareness over time that matched his actual values and didn’t require having academic knowledge or terminology. For example, he had always been in favor of body autonomy and pro-choice. But would have just called that minding his business and letting people make their own decisions.
He was also always deeply involved in the day-to-day work of parenting. He did 90% of the cooking. Made my mom lunch every day for her to take to work for 20 years. He did all the outside the house stuff but also did a lot of the inside stuff too. He was very involved in the neighborhood and did the connective work normally associated with women. He drove me to school and picked me up from junior high through college! He did laundry and dishes and mopped and vacuumed. And he did all of this without my mom ever asking or reminding him. She always said she was so lucky. She did so much too and my dad always did as much as he could because they loved each other so much and wanted to make each other’s lives easier and better.
My partner is very similar. My relationship has a caveat because we’re not cishet. But I will say even having such a good role model in my dad I still had two prior partners who were not a good fit and didn’t make it a priority to make the relationship equitable. It’s rough out there but something I read recently resonated: If a man can control his behavior at work, he can learn how to behave equitably at home. It’s a matter of desire.