This resonated so much with me. I found my pregnancies so stressful because I was constantly afraid of what I was doing wrong and how my actions might burden my kids for life. These men clearly know nothing about how mentally grueling pregnancy and motherhood can be. But even if they did, they wouldn't care because for them women and children are simply a means to an end. Nothing they do comes from a place of caring about others. It's all driven by self-interest and an imperative to do everything they can to both protect and grow their own power.
I think what touched me the most about your piece was what you said about genetic alchemy. For all I worried about the consequences my behaviors might have on my children, I cannot imagine my children being anyone other than who they are. They are magical, wonderful people and I wouldn't change a thing about either one of them, and this helps me realize that it's past time for me to release the guilt I'm still holding over my actions during and post pregnancy.
Thank you so much for this. I relate so much, especially trying to do everything right and it not mattering. My daughter was stillborn and 18 months later, my son spent 7 weeks in the NICU because his diaphragm is slightly too high, which made it hard for him to breathe initially. The amount of time I spent going over everything I did in my pregnancies to cause this was agonizing and something I don't wish on any pregnant person or parent. I am filled with rage every time I think about this cursed press conference.
Fuck. Thank you for writing this. I’m 10 weeks pregnant and having gnarly headaches from a cold or flu (whatever my daughter brought home from daycare) and Tylenol is the only goddamn thing enabling them to be at a manageable level so I can do both my paid work and my unpaid work.
I suppose a pregnant woman being too sick to work in a job only men should have (tech) is the goal though, isn’t it? I’ve been telling RFK to fuck himself as I take my Tylenol and get back to my desk. I already went through years of agonizing about my health choices when I did multiple rounds of IVF with an infertility diagnosis of “unexplained,” (which makes you so so primed for self blame and all the infertility health grifters out there - btw I think there’s a Burnt Toast story there!) And then again when my first IVF pregnancy ended in a miscarriage of twins. What did I do wrong? How could I have prevented it? I don’t need to go through that again and I fucking refuse. I will take my Tylenol, drink my coffee, enjoy my sugary treats, and RFK can die fucking mad about it.
Oh I’m so sorry. My lovely doctor always said to me, so kindly, “you are pregnant. That’s bad enough. Let’s not have you suffer. Let’s help you rest and get this baby out there.” I loved her for that. I had a gnarly flu when I was pregnant and am so grateful for medication.
I LOVED Never Have I Ever- I’m jealous of you watching it with your kid. Thank you for writing beautifully in your anger, every time I see their smug faces, I become enraged. The desperate whisper to the therapist was very evocative too, I’ve been there, and it made me tear up.
I will never stop being angry about how much harm these men are perpetuating.
I saw a comment from a prominent abortion rights activist that they are specifically targeting Tylenol to build the case against the "safer than Tylenol" talking point for abortion medication. Can't put anything past these MFers. The misogyny is so blatant at this point, it makes my brain explode.
I also asked myself a million times what I had done to cause my preterm delivery with my first. It wasn’t until 3 years later when I was pregnant with my second that a medical provider said to me, you know, this wasn’t your fault. Cue flood of tears. She was a perinatal specialist so I’m sure she heard her share of people blaming themselves for this kind of thing.
Thank you, Virginia! As a neurodivergent occupational therapist who just finished a project about empowering families during pregnancy and postpartum/early parenthood, I loved this essay! How do we make them listen? And if we can’t get to Washington, how do we make sure the pregnant folks know?
Truly no idea how we get Washington to listen, but this piece is free to share...I wrote it hoping it would reach pregnant folks/parents/anyone who needs to hear it.
Oh, Virginia. Thank you for this. This line in particular made me burst into tears: "If any choice I made — at pregnancy or at any other time — 'caused' these incredible people, I’d make that choice a hundred times over." Thank you for your rage and for sharing your fiercely loving self with us.
Thank you for these words I didn't know I needed to hear today but felt so, so cathartic to read. My adult daughter is on the Autism spectrum and I wouldn't change a damn thing about her.
I can feel your rage and share it wholeheartedly even though I don't have kids and don't live in the US. Sometimes rage is all we have to somehow endure and fight against patriarchy, misogyny and injustice. Thank you, Virginia!
Yes, yes, yes to every word of this essay. I'm writing this through tears and I'm so fucking glad to have incredible people like you (and Kate Manne, another must-follow in these trying times) putting my feelings into words!! The strain of motherhood and doing "everything right" is something those three man-children couldn't even contemplate. My children are grown and I still have nights when I sob into my pillow regretting things I did "wrong" twenty+ years ago. It's just TOO.MUCH.PRESSURE. They can all go to hell. And I hope they aren't offered any pain meds while burning.
This resonated so much with me. I found my pregnancies so stressful because I was constantly afraid of what I was doing wrong and how my actions might burden my kids for life. These men clearly know nothing about how mentally grueling pregnancy and motherhood can be. But even if they did, they wouldn't care because for them women and children are simply a means to an end. Nothing they do comes from a place of caring about others. It's all driven by self-interest and an imperative to do everything they can to both protect and grow their own power.
I think what touched me the most about your piece was what you said about genetic alchemy. For all I worried about the consequences my behaviors might have on my children, I cannot imagine my children being anyone other than who they are. They are magical, wonderful people and I wouldn't change a thing about either one of them, and this helps me realize that it's past time for me to release the guilt I'm still holding over my actions during and post pregnancy.
So glad you're releasing the guilt. It's such hard work but you deserve peace.
Thank you so much for this. I relate so much, especially trying to do everything right and it not mattering. My daughter was stillborn and 18 months later, my son spent 7 weeks in the NICU because his diaphragm is slightly too high, which made it hard for him to breathe initially. The amount of time I spent going over everything I did in my pregnancies to cause this was agonizing and something I don't wish on any pregnant person or parent. I am filled with rage every time I think about this cursed press conference.
Solidarity, friend. It's so hard to have our personal trauma re-activated by their bullshit.
Fuck. Thank you for writing this. I’m 10 weeks pregnant and having gnarly headaches from a cold or flu (whatever my daughter brought home from daycare) and Tylenol is the only goddamn thing enabling them to be at a manageable level so I can do both my paid work and my unpaid work.
I suppose a pregnant woman being too sick to work in a job only men should have (tech) is the goal though, isn’t it? I’ve been telling RFK to fuck himself as I take my Tylenol and get back to my desk. I already went through years of agonizing about my health choices when I did multiple rounds of IVF with an infertility diagnosis of “unexplained,” (which makes you so so primed for self blame and all the infertility health grifters out there - btw I think there’s a Burnt Toast story there!) And then again when my first IVF pregnancy ended in a miscarriage of twins. What did I do wrong? How could I have prevented it? I don’t need to go through that again and I fucking refuse. I will take my Tylenol, drink my coffee, enjoy my sugary treats, and RFK can die fucking mad about it.
Oh I’m so sorry. My lovely doctor always said to me, so kindly, “you are pregnant. That’s bad enough. Let’s not have you suffer. Let’s help you rest and get this baby out there.” I loved her for that. I had a gnarly flu when I was pregnant and am so grateful for medication.
Get their asses, Virginia. 🔥
Bravo, Virginia. You write eloquently through your rage -- so, beautifully, perfectly, painfully said.
I LOVED Never Have I Ever- I’m jealous of you watching it with your kid. Thank you for writing beautifully in your anger, every time I see their smug faces, I become enraged. The desperate whisper to the therapist was very evocative too, I’ve been there, and it made me tear up.
I will never stop being angry about how much harm these men are perpetuating.
I saw a comment from a prominent abortion rights activist that they are specifically targeting Tylenol to build the case against the "safer than Tylenol" talking point for abortion medication. Can't put anything past these MFers. The misogyny is so blatant at this point, it makes my brain explode.
Ohhhh that makes so much sense. Of COURSE they are.
I also asked myself a million times what I had done to cause my preterm delivery with my first. It wasn’t until 3 years later when I was pregnant with my second that a medical provider said to me, you know, this wasn’t your fault. Cue flood of tears. She was a perinatal specialist so I’m sure she heard her share of people blaming themselves for this kind of thing.
Anyway, co-sign ALL OF THIS.
Thank you, Virginia! As a neurodivergent occupational therapist who just finished a project about empowering families during pregnancy and postpartum/early parenthood, I loved this essay! How do we make them listen? And if we can’t get to Washington, how do we make sure the pregnant folks know?
Truly no idea how we get Washington to listen, but this piece is free to share...I wrote it hoping it would reach pregnant folks/parents/anyone who needs to hear it.
I’ll be sharing it! Sorry, wasn’t trying to make you answer tough questions. Just thinking out loud. But thank you again!
Oh no worries! I have the same questions!!
Oh, Virginia. Thank you for this. This line in particular made me burst into tears: "If any choice I made — at pregnancy or at any other time — 'caused' these incredible people, I’d make that choice a hundred times over." Thank you for your rage and for sharing your fiercely loving self with us.
Thank you for these words I didn't know I needed to hear today but felt so, so cathartic to read. My adult daughter is on the Autism spectrum and I wouldn't change a damn thing about her.
I can feel your rage and share it wholeheartedly even though I don't have kids and don't live in the US. Sometimes rage is all we have to somehow endure and fight against patriarchy, misogyny and injustice. Thank you, Virginia!
Yes, yes, yes to every word of this essay. I'm writing this through tears and I'm so fucking glad to have incredible people like you (and Kate Manne, another must-follow in these trying times) putting my feelings into words!! The strain of motherhood and doing "everything right" is something those three man-children couldn't even contemplate. My children are grown and I still have nights when I sob into my pillow regretting things I did "wrong" twenty+ years ago. It's just TOO.MUCH.PRESSURE. They can all go to hell. And I hope they aren't offered any pain meds while burning.
Posts like these are why I pay for a subscription!
Thank you so much for this, it's beautiful rage.
Thank you for this.
Grateful for your work, which has helped me so much to work through this all!