This is one of my main sources of social anxiety, and I feel like I always pick wrong (that and what is the parking situation). But also it’s one of the only things within my control in an uncomfortable and uncertain social setting. And I still always pick wrong.
Oh I feel this. Pretty sure im the only fat mom in my city. For any school field trip, volunteering or PTO meeting I feel like I have to look put together and care about my appearance. I don’t feel like I can show up in leggings and a baseball hat like many moms do. They look like busy moms who threw something on, I would be the slob. Whew lots of internalized feelings about this 🙃
YES! I have a hybrid schedule and my very thin dancer/runner colleague can show up in Athleta and Lulu and look amazing. I would look like I got lost on the way to my first-ever yoga class. It is real. And frustrating. And I try to think, "who benefits from my feelings of unworthiness"? but it doesn't always work. Sigh.
When I saw the photo, I thought you looked fun, cuuuute and game for hanging with kids all day.
When one of the kids was looking for a familiar chaperone, who do you think they noticed first? You and your colorful spring glory? Or the other bland-looking parents in olive and black? Sad. Yawn.
In my life thus far, I have rarely been unable to wear beige. I crave color, and I am color. During the sad times when everything was muted and earth toned, I could feel my spirit slowly starving inside me.
When beautiful, saturated colors are in fashion, I stock up on all I can because it might be a long time before I can find another grass green top or deep aubergine jacket.
Not to say that neutrals don’t have a place in my wardrobe. I wear color with a pop of neutral, rather than the other way round. I love to wear multiple colors, dramatic accessories, and fabulous shoes. For 40 years I wore my long wavy hair in a shade of red that rarely occurs naturally.
During the pandemic I started changing my hair color every few months. The first was emerald green, my favorite color. I’ve since had platinum blonde, blue, purple, magenta, several warm colors at once that resembled a sunset, peacock/mermaid that encompassed six different shades, and several iterations of pride rainbow hair. I love it all.
I too tend to be a bit overdressed for the occasion.
More celebration, less judgment!
I don’t feel like myself if I’m not a walking Pantone color wheel.
Fellow Pantone color wheel gal here! And a colorful PRINT is what really makes me feel alive. I'm really trying to get over my idea that only black and neutrals can be "chic"—or maybe I need to stop caring about being "chic."
Corinne is so right….and I am 100% a “rather-be-cold” person. I never take jackets and sweaters with me, and yeah—I remember being surrounded by moms who were artfully layered back in my field trip mom days. But then they had to peel off those layers and find a way to carry them with the bag and field trip supplies and probably their kids’ jackets and sweaters while I was comparatively FREE. It’s possible those other nice moms were dressing for each other, while you dressed for the activity at hand. Bravo!
I have so much anxiety around wearing the "right" thing. Some of it is class anxiety, and some of it is definitely about being fat. My husband doesn't understand why I am spiraling out ("Just wear something comfortable!"). My recent "getting ready" mantra is that my personal style is not always going to fit in and that is ok.
This exactly! I take the same approach when packing for travel. I just tell myself going in: “I’m not going to be my most stylish self while traveling”
This is such a big class anxiety thing for me! I've been with my husband for 10 years and only since getting pregnant (ie, having an excuse to be a little schlumpy) have I felt 100% comfortable wearing whatever I want around his much-wealthier family. And if there's a special occasion or extended family around, I'm still going to agonize over my outfit for sure.
I just had this exact same experience this weekend while on a trip to Nashville! I brought a nice sweater and jeans anticipating that we’d go out to an upscale-casual restaurant. Turns out the right outfit for anything in Nashville is cutoffs, boots and a blousy shirt.
When I was packing, I had thought that was a little too on-the-nose and would mark me as a tourist for sure (which I mean, I was!).
I think part of my anxiety stemmed from the fact that we were in a really “cool” place. I have never been the cool person; I prefer to be the living embodiment of that Marge Simpson quote where she says what makes you cool is not caring whether you’re cool. It’s easier to live by that motto in some places than others though…
Oh gosh yes. We went to London 2 summers ago and I was like God I don't want to look like the clueless fat tourist among all these very chic Londoners, but also I am fat and my feet hurt if I walk more than like 2 blocks in anything other than good sneakers. It was good people watching though.
I also just chaperoned a field trip to the zoo and wore jean shorts. All the other moms were wearing pants and I also thought, perhaps I dressed wrong? Another mom showed up, looked at me, and said "I wanted to wear shorts but my legs look so pale" (she wore baggy jogger jeans) and then complained about being hot the rest of the day. Amazing the pressure we all feel!
I feel like it’s ingrained in me that I can’t wear shorts to school because I could never wear shorts when I was in school due to the dress code after elementary school. But my second grader went to the zoo in October and it was cold! It really hasn’t been hot yet at any school events except the last 20 minutes of field day. I generally wear leggings or jeans to school stuff.
This post has me rethinking an experience I had last month. Before the Mom 2.0 conference, they shared a Pinterest board with outfit ideas for the opening reception (lots of bright, summery dresses—it was outdoors in Orlando), and it felt a little "on Wednesdays we wear pink." I had heard this conference can feel a little cliquey, and they weren't beating the allegations with that one! But thinking back, I realize it was actually really helpful to know a bit about the vibe for that first event.
On the hot/cold division, I'm also thinking about the fact that many people who are weight suppressed or naturally thinner tend to run cold.
It reminds me of getting ready for a party in highschool or college and calling my friends to ask "what are we wearing?" because God forbid I stand out as different. And yes, I also have that constant idea that it's ok to be fat as long as...{fill in the blank}. I try to remind myself that everyone else is more worried about themselves than anyone else but it's so hard to dress a body and show up in the world.
Transitional weather! I had a similar situation last week, where after several days of firmly spring weather, I went out on a cool-ish day in a firmly spring-coded outfit, only to find everyone else wearing long pants and jackets. I felt a bit silly, and also a bit cold, but like you, I prefer being cold to being hot!
I have said, in despair, to my girlfriends on yet another occasion where they all show up in jeans and I’m in a dress (or vice-versa), “Is there a memo you all get?!” I’ve never been able to pull this off well, and am right there with you marinating in self consciousness.
ugh, yes! With time (and lots of therapy), I've come to recognize that my anxiety around what to wear is almost 100% misdirected anxiety about the situation itself (it's a lot easier to channel my anxiety into picking the *perfect* outfit than anything else!). When I find myself doing this, I try to take a step back and wonder what I'm actually anxious about , and what really needs my attention. And then remember that if something is uncomfortable at home, it's not going to magically feel good on me at whatever I'm dressing for!
I wrote recently about how much I equivocate about… most things. DEFINITELY clothes, and definitely when meeting new people. For whatever reason. (Anxiety? Perfectionism? The crushing weight of the patriarchy?) What helped me was coming across a quotation from Joseph Goldstein to the effect of: does this help to free the mind, or not? It sounds like your outfit made you feel free and like you were choosing your choices. I aspire to that. (I also own that same shirt thanks to a hot tip about it in Dacy’s subscriber chat, so I back that one specifically!)
LOL absolutely. I am a CASUAL person. If I could, I would be in my Tevas, jean short, and tank tops (or a t shirt) most of the time. I dress for comfort. I feel like I am never the "cool mom" and have not gotten the hang of "effortless and chic"...it's not me. So I often feel like I am underdressed. But also....I don't care enough to change my entire wardrobe all the time so I am not particularly in style. Also also...I'm cheap ;) noticed the other day one of my work shirts was at least...6 years old. So. all of this to say. I still have anxiety about it, but also I don't care enough to try to keep up with what I "should" be wearing. Aren't we old enough now to not give any f***s? That's what I try to tell myself.
This is one of my main sources of social anxiety, and I feel like I always pick wrong (that and what is the parking situation). But also it’s one of the only things within my control in an uncomfortable and uncertain social setting. And I still always pick wrong.
Oh god that’s it exactly — it’s the element you should be able to control. And yet!!
ME TOOOOOOO
Oh I feel this. Pretty sure im the only fat mom in my city. For any school field trip, volunteering or PTO meeting I feel like I have to look put together and care about my appearance. I don’t feel like I can show up in leggings and a baseball hat like many moms do. They look like busy moms who threw something on, I would be the slob. Whew lots of internalized feelings about this 🙃
YES! I have a hybrid schedule and my very thin dancer/runner colleague can show up in Athleta and Lulu and look amazing. I would look like I got lost on the way to my first-ever yoga class. It is real. And frustrating. And I try to think, "who benefits from my feelings of unworthiness"? but it doesn't always work. Sigh.
You dressed for a beautiful Spring day, Virginia.
When I saw the photo, I thought you looked fun, cuuuute and game for hanging with kids all day.
When one of the kids was looking for a familiar chaperone, who do you think they noticed first? You and your colorful spring glory? Or the other bland-looking parents in olive and black? Sad. Yawn.
In my life thus far, I have rarely been unable to wear beige. I crave color, and I am color. During the sad times when everything was muted and earth toned, I could feel my spirit slowly starving inside me.
When beautiful, saturated colors are in fashion, I stock up on all I can because it might be a long time before I can find another grass green top or deep aubergine jacket.
Not to say that neutrals don’t have a place in my wardrobe. I wear color with a pop of neutral, rather than the other way round. I love to wear multiple colors, dramatic accessories, and fabulous shoes. For 40 years I wore my long wavy hair in a shade of red that rarely occurs naturally.
During the pandemic I started changing my hair color every few months. The first was emerald green, my favorite color. I’ve since had platinum blonde, blue, purple, magenta, several warm colors at once that resembled a sunset, peacock/mermaid that encompassed six different shades, and several iterations of pride rainbow hair. I love it all.
I too tend to be a bit overdressed for the occasion.
More celebration, less judgment!
I don’t feel like myself if I’m not a walking Pantone color wheel.
Embrace it all, Virginia!
Fellow Pantone color wheel gal here! And a colorful PRINT is what really makes me feel alive. I'm really trying to get over my idea that only black and neutrals can be "chic"—or maybe I need to stop caring about being "chic."
Corinne is so right….and I am 100% a “rather-be-cold” person. I never take jackets and sweaters with me, and yeah—I remember being surrounded by moms who were artfully layered back in my field trip mom days. But then they had to peel off those layers and find a way to carry them with the bag and field trip supplies and probably their kids’ jackets and sweaters while I was comparatively FREE. It’s possible those other nice moms were dressing for each other, while you dressed for the activity at hand. Bravo!
I was DEFINITELY thinking about how to schlep as little as possible! I hate feeling burdened by stuff when I’m chasing after kids!
ME TOO. I would rather be cold than hot; I would absolutely rather be cold until it warms up than shlep layers around when it gets warmer.
I have so much anxiety around wearing the "right" thing. Some of it is class anxiety, and some of it is definitely about being fat. My husband doesn't understand why I am spiraling out ("Just wear something comfortable!"). My recent "getting ready" mantra is that my personal style is not always going to fit in and that is ok.
This exactly! I take the same approach when packing for travel. I just tell myself going in: “I’m not going to be my most stylish self while traveling”
This is such a big class anxiety thing for me! I've been with my husband for 10 years and only since getting pregnant (ie, having an excuse to be a little schlumpy) have I felt 100% comfortable wearing whatever I want around his much-wealthier family. And if there's a special occasion or extended family around, I'm still going to agonize over my outfit for sure.
I just had this exact same experience this weekend while on a trip to Nashville! I brought a nice sweater and jeans anticipating that we’d go out to an upscale-casual restaurant. Turns out the right outfit for anything in Nashville is cutoffs, boots and a blousy shirt.
When I was packing, I had thought that was a little too on-the-nose and would mark me as a tourist for sure (which I mean, I was!).
I think part of my anxiety stemmed from the fact that we were in a really “cool” place. I have never been the cool person; I prefer to be the living embodiment of that Marge Simpson quote where she says what makes you cool is not caring whether you’re cool. It’s easier to live by that motto in some places than others though…
Ah yes travel to cool places is such a trigger for this!!
So relatable. Honestly being a lifelong Parisian but dressing comfortably means I'm sometimes mistaken for a tourist in touristy places 😂 oh well
Oh gosh yes. We went to London 2 summers ago and I was like God I don't want to look like the clueless fat tourist among all these very chic Londoners, but also I am fat and my feet hurt if I walk more than like 2 blocks in anything other than good sneakers. It was good people watching though.
I also just chaperoned a field trip to the zoo and wore jean shorts. All the other moms were wearing pants and I also thought, perhaps I dressed wrong? Another mom showed up, looked at me, and said "I wanted to wear shorts but my legs look so pale" (she wore baggy jogger jeans) and then complained about being hot the rest of the day. Amazing the pressure we all feel!
Arghlll so sad we really can't have anything!!!
I feel like it’s ingrained in me that I can’t wear shorts to school because I could never wear shorts when I was in school due to the dress code after elementary school. But my second grader went to the zoo in October and it was cold! It really hasn’t been hot yet at any school events except the last 20 minutes of field day. I generally wear leggings or jeans to school stuff.
Oh my god constantly. This is me all the time. It's a source of so much anxiety before going anywhere new or seeing friends or an event or anything
This post has me rethinking an experience I had last month. Before the Mom 2.0 conference, they shared a Pinterest board with outfit ideas for the opening reception (lots of bright, summery dresses—it was outdoors in Orlando), and it felt a little "on Wednesdays we wear pink." I had heard this conference can feel a little cliquey, and they weren't beating the allegations with that one! But thinking back, I realize it was actually really helpful to know a bit about the vibe for that first event.
On the hot/cold division, I'm also thinking about the fact that many people who are weight suppressed or naturally thinner tend to run cold.
I am both cringing at the idea of that pinboard AND want one made for every event in my life!!
Your outfit was cute.
It reminds me of getting ready for a party in highschool or college and calling my friends to ask "what are we wearing?" because God forbid I stand out as different. And yes, I also have that constant idea that it's ok to be fat as long as...{fill in the blank}. I try to remind myself that everyone else is more worried about themselves than anyone else but it's so hard to dress a body and show up in the world.
Transitional weather! I had a similar situation last week, where after several days of firmly spring weather, I went out on a cool-ish day in a firmly spring-coded outfit, only to find everyone else wearing long pants and jackets. I felt a bit silly, and also a bit cold, but like you, I prefer being cold to being hot!
I have said, in despair, to my girlfriends on yet another occasion where they all show up in jeans and I’m in a dress (or vice-versa), “Is there a memo you all get?!” I’ve never been able to pull this off well, and am right there with you marinating in self consciousness.
ugh, yes! With time (and lots of therapy), I've come to recognize that my anxiety around what to wear is almost 100% misdirected anxiety about the situation itself (it's a lot easier to channel my anxiety into picking the *perfect* outfit than anything else!). When I find myself doing this, I try to take a step back and wonder what I'm actually anxious about , and what really needs my attention. And then remember that if something is uncomfortable at home, it's not going to magically feel good on me at whatever I'm dressing for!
I wrote recently about how much I equivocate about… most things. DEFINITELY clothes, and definitely when meeting new people. For whatever reason. (Anxiety? Perfectionism? The crushing weight of the patriarchy?) What helped me was coming across a quotation from Joseph Goldstein to the effect of: does this help to free the mind, or not? It sounds like your outfit made you feel free and like you were choosing your choices. I aspire to that. (I also own that same shirt thanks to a hot tip about it in Dacy’s subscriber chat, so I back that one specifically!)
Gah! I love that quote/question. I’m going to write it down so I don’t forget.
LOL absolutely. I am a CASUAL person. If I could, I would be in my Tevas, jean short, and tank tops (or a t shirt) most of the time. I dress for comfort. I feel like I am never the "cool mom" and have not gotten the hang of "effortless and chic"...it's not me. So I often feel like I am underdressed. But also....I don't care enough to change my entire wardrobe all the time so I am not particularly in style. Also also...I'm cheap ;) noticed the other day one of my work shirts was at least...6 years old. So. all of this to say. I still have anxiety about it, but also I don't care enough to try to keep up with what I "should" be wearing. Aren't we old enough now to not give any f***s? That's what I try to tell myself.
Are you me? Lol I also immensely prefer comfort and convenience to style, for the most part.