How Did You Decide to Have/Not Have Kids?
Plus Prom Dads, kid-free vacations, and how many Birkenstocks is too many Birkenstocks (don't answer that last one).
Today’s Friday Thread is reader-submitted, from Katie:
I'd love to hear peoples' stories about how they decided whether or not to have kids. I know it is a super fraught topic for a lot of folks, especially with the extra layers around fatness and fertility/pregnancy/medical treatment, but we have such a respectful and thoughtful group of folks in the community, I'd love their takes as my partner and I are in our early 30s and talking all the time about the pros and cons of trying to become parents. I know for me, your work has been adding to the "pros" column as we talk about the ways we would parent differently than previous generations around food and bodies.
I love this question so much, especially with Mother’s Day looming over us. And I appreciate Katie noting the complexities of navigating this decision in a fat body and/or if you’re facing infertility. As I discuss in Chapter 1 and also in this NYT Mag piece, BMI is all too frequently used as a barrier to parenthood. (If that’s you and you need support, definitely follow Jen McClellan of @PlusMommy and Nicola Salmon of @FatPositiveFertility. Also check out this old podcast ep with the great Mia O’Malley.)
I’m also really eager to hear from child-free folks, because even though I’m currently promoting a book with the word “parenting” on the cover, I never intended Burnt Toast to be exclusively a community for parents. So please be kind and supportive as we share (I hope!) a multitude of perspectives on this question.
PS. You do have to be a paid subscriber to join the discussion, so here’s how!
Friday Links & Recs
Justine Batemen feels great about her face. (As should we all, but would love to see some discussion of the thin privilege that makes opting out of beauty culture easier for her?)
Still thinking about prom dads and shuddering, thanks
.Weight gain is critically important during adolescence.
on the complexities of Mother's Day (and I also cannot wait for her new book!).Thinking HARD about these red Birks but also is this mud green the perfect neutral?
My email has become unmanageable in the past month and this by
is helping. went on vacation without her kids and I couldn't love this more.If you also chucked your dahlia tubers in the garage last fall and forgot to store them properly, and are now sad about how moldy they are, good news, I found them on sale here.
Book Update
As ever, thrilled by all the FAT TALK mentions happening in all of the places, including these lovely Substack reviews:
And
's always excellent Care & Feeding column on Slate.I also loved doing the What Fresh Hell podcast (anywhere you get your pods or watch it here!):
I always knew I didn't want to have kids (very grateful that was the case, as opposed to finding out the hard way, by having them :)) I've never wanted to be married either. I'm deliberately public about these life choices - including the fact that I'm not a relationship person, I adore being single, I cannot wait to die alone, and I date younger men casually and recreationally for sex - because we need many more role models that demonstrate you can live your life very differently to the way society expects you too, and still be extremely happy. (I'm one of the happiest people I know.) I'm asked regularly in media interviews, as a startup founder (of MakeLoveNotPorn), what's your daily self-care routine. My daily self-care is, I have no husband and I have no children :) I recommend that people look long and hard into themselves and ask, 'What would REALLY make me happy?' It may not be the societal oiled grooves we're encouraged to have our lives slip into, that popular culture and social conditioning all around us reinforce.
I am so, so glad someone asked this question. I have an incredible amount to say and try to share my opinion publicly and socially, so buckle up. There wasn’t much conversation about it 10 years ago when I first got pregnant, and I was desperate to discuss it with someone (aside from my husband). I actually got in touch with an old neighbor who had told me that she hadn’t necessarily wanted kids. That was countered by a coworker who said “my life was in black and white before kids and now it’s in color 🙄🙄🙄.
I had grown up just assuming I’d have kids, but the person I partnered up with was pretty against it. I wasn't totally sold either because I don't really enjoy being with my parents and I didn't want to have kids who'd feel the same about me. We talked about it a lot as I was hitting my mid-30’s and decided that it’s a human experience we wanted to have. It was a purely intellectual decision, without a ton of desire or emotion behind it. We were lucky enough to get pregnant quickly but I also entered a massive depression during pregnancy because I had gone off of my anti-depressants.
I’m happy for all the people who have had rewarding experiences, but it has been a net negative for us. I’m actually tearing up as I write this. I can see a point in the future when it might be easier (we have a 9yo and 4yo) but it has been 10 years of having almost nothing left in my tank for any other areas of my life beside parenting: taking care of myself, my marriage, my work - all of those areas have really suffered. I sometimes think about how much further along I might be had I not had kids.
One major factor in all of this is my temperament: a highly sensitive anxious introvert. The overstimulation is so real and so constant and on top of everything else that usually means that I have a very short fuse by the end of the day. If that is you, I’d really consider that an important factor.
I’m surprised but happy about the number of people in these comments who managed to resist the societal pressure. The jury’s still out for me, but at the moment, I wouldn’t recommend it 🙁