"I Thought What My Body Liked In Bed Was Weird"
A conversation about reclaiming sex post-divorce, post-kids and post-40...with Loretta, Substack's smartest new sex writer.
Ever since we did our Fat Dating episode, I’ve been thinking about how to bring more conversations about sex, dating, and bodies into Burnt Toast. Sure, some of this is based on how my own life has changed. But even before that, I would often think about how frequently sex is left out of conversations about body liberation. We focus on clothing access, healthcare, and feeling safe and welcome in public spaces—all of which are critically important. But we are less comfortable talking about fat folks as sexual people. This intersects with our larger cultural discomfort around the sexuality of anyone (disabled folks, queer folks, women over 40, trans people, moms…) who isn’t a cis, straight, able-bodied man. But the right to have sex (or not!) and be sexual (however you define that!) is a fundamental part of body liberation in general. As
teaches, pleasure is an act of resistance.So I’m looking for more ways to bring these conversations into our community, which so far, has meant reading more sex writers, and sexy writing. Yes, it’s a tough job, but anything for Burnt Toast!
This important research led me to discover the extremely smart and sexy new Substack, , written by an anonymous journalist publishing as .
To The Bed is a brutally honest, often messy, and frequently hilarious account of dating over 40, post-divorce. It has quickly become the newsletter every woman I know reads, and texts about, the second it drops. Think Lady Whistledown but even steamier: Loretta writes about her hook-ups with such honesty and humor (why did this guy steal her pot gummies! why did this guy spit in her mouth!!) and always, always centers her own pleasure. But she also regularly interrogates the societal gender, age, and body norms that make sex feel so fraught for so many of us.
I wanted to have Loretta on the podcast, but we couldn’t figure out how to protect her anonymity with audio. So enjoy our written conversation and don’t forget to subscribe to for more!
And paid subscribers, stay tuned for Loretta’s top sex toy picks at the end! (Yes this might be the best Butter ever.)
PS. This conversation is focused on hetero sex today—but I don’t intend to limit us there. Drop your suggestions for other sex/body liberation voices we need on Burnt Toast in the comments!
Virginia
Hi Loretta! Tell us what inspired you to write
.Loretta
Several months ago, my marriage of over a decade dissolved. I’d been unhappy for a while, but it took me a long time — and a lot of therapy! — to figure out that my marriage was at the root of it. We tried to repair what was broken but we couldn’t.
One of the many things that my marriage lacked was good sex. My partner and I still occasionally had sex, but it had been a very long time since I’d really enjoyed it.
When we separated and my ex moved out, it was like my body had suddenly woken up from a coma and I hadn’t eaten in a gazillion years. I was starving for physical intimacy. My libido was suddenly so much higher than it had ever been. A friend convinced me to join the sex and dating app Feeld and I started meeting up with men. I had no idea what I was doing, and my first post-divorce sex was a bit of a mindfuck, but I got over it fast. Suddenly I was having a lot of sex and a lot of fun.
This post-divorce sex is totally different from the sex I’d had before marriage, which I found fascinating. I’m now mature enough to know what I want (and perhaps more importantly, what I don’t want!) and am now confident enough to communicate that to men. I’m also much better able to see worrying red flags and have no qualms about ditching men who aren’t doing it for me. Sex and dating are so different when you’re not looking to secure a long-term partner!
I realized I wanted to write about all the things I was learning about myself and my body, and to share what it’s like to have casual sex in one’s 40s. So I started To the Bed.
Virginia
You’re writing anonymously, which you’ve explained is to protect your career and family’s privacy. But it also makes me think about just how much we shame women for wanting and enjoying sex. How do you think about your need for anonymity, when you’re also arguing, very clearly, that women should get to take up space in the bedroom?
Loretta
I write anonymously because I don’t want my sons (or my ex, for that matter) to know about my sex life. I think it would be confusing and difficult for them. And yeah, I imagine it could also hurt my career. But I’m also conflicted about writing anonymously, because I think that women should be openly and vocally challenging all the sexist tropes about female sexuality. So in some ways I feel like my anonymity is feeding the monster! But if my work helps to move these important conversations forward and reduce the stigma around women and casual sex, then it’s still progress, even if it’s imperfect.
Virginia
Totally makes sense. What are some of the sexist tropes or stigmas that you wish we could throw right into the sea and be done with?
Loretta
Oh my gosh, there are so many. A big one is slut-shaming. Men are celebrated and revered for pursuing casual sex, while women are punished for it. And honestly, it comes from women too—I have told a few friends and acquaintances about
and some of them have reacted in horror. I think some of that is out of concern for my safety, which I understand. But I also think that women who seek casual sex, and talk about it, are often perceived as being vulgar and unrefined. And people are sometimes just shocked—like “why would you even WANT this?” Sex is often perceived as a means to an end, rather than an end to pursue in itself.
Another big stigma I’m hoping to challenge with the newsletter is this idea that we shouldn’t openly talk about sex. Our silence has real ramifications. For a long time, I thought what my body liked in bed was weird, and that was in part because I had never openly talked about my experiences with other women. Then I discovered that what I like is actually incredibly common, and that was just so validating. I want
to be a safe space for women to talk about what makes sex good and bad for them, and to challenge inaccurate and biased ideas about dating and intimacy.I’ve also been thinking a lot about the expectation that women will take care of the men they are involved with—we are supposed to be receptacles for all their emotions and fix them. We’re supposed to be their lovers, their friends, and their therapists. We are always put into the role of caregiver, whether we want that or not, and it’s really unfair. It’s so much work.
Virginia
Oh God, it’s so true. Even with casual hook-ups, men often feel entitled to ask for emotional labor in ways that women would never, because we’re so conditioned to avoid seeming “needy” or “too much.” I’m thinking of that scene everybody loves in Nobody Wants This where Kristen Bell finally gets emotionally vulnerable with Adam Brody and he tells her, “I can handle you.”
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We’re supposed to applaud that this man is heroically taking on a woman’s feelings but that scene would never play out in reverse. Women are supposed to crave emotional intimacy with men; to want them to open up… so that we can then do this labor for them.
Loretta
I know. I’ve seen even more of it since the election. Men I’ve slept with are reaching out and sending entire essays to me via text about how upset they are that Kamala lost. I’m like, um, yes, I know, I’m upset, too? There was a great Reductress piece about this, actually. I sent it to all of my friends.
Virginia
It’s so good (sob). So as you’re now in this arguably more free place with sex than ever before—is there anyone you WON’T meet up with? Or, any new boundaries you have in place now?
Loretta
This is a great question. Among other things, I have asked myself: Would I have sex with a MAGA dude? I haven’t set any hard and fast rules about this, like “I refuse to sleep with men who do or believe X, Y or Z.” I am a pretty curious person and I appreciate spending time with people who are different from me and learning about them and from them. So there’s a part of me that’s like, maaaaybe I’d sleep with a Trumper, assuming he wasn’t totally insufferable?
That said, I went on a date with a pretty blatant misogynist not too long ago and his behavior was an immediate turn-off. And if I catch a whiff of that kind of thing via text, it’s also a deal-breaker. It’s not a rational, conscious decision—my body is just like nope, no way, get this guy away from me. So right now, I guess I’m relying on that subconscious compass, which so far has been pretty trustworthy.
Virginia
Yeah, you don’t really need to make a rule. They take themselves out of the running.
Loretta
They totally do.
Virginia
Okay, I want to talk about bodies, of course. We get so many negative messages about mom bodies, about women-over-40 bodies… How has post-divorce dating and sex changed how you’re thinking about your body these days?
Loretta
So, it’s worth noting that I identify as straight-sized. But I am over 40 and have had kids. So when I first started sleeping with guys again I was very self-conscious about my body. Especially when I hooked up with younger guys—I was like, “Are they going to balk at my C-section scar and weird skin growths (fuck you, cherry angiomas!) and compare me to the 30-year-old they slept with last week?”
But the self-consciousness pretty quickly passed because guys just honestly did not seem to care. They seemed thrilled with my body, mid-40s flaws and all. Now, at the same time, I recognize that male satisfaction should NOT be what determines my feelings about my body. That’s a problem! But I think it is helping me realize that the idea that men are only attracted to “perfect” bodies is just another sexist trope (thanks, porn) that isn’t actually rooted in reality. Also, the guys I’m hooking up with aren’t “perfect,” either, yet I am very much enjoying them!
Virginia
Another big message we get about over-40 sex is that women’s sex drives will disappear. But as you have written, this is not the case for you. And it’s actually not the case for most women I know in their 40s—especially the single or divorced ones! How much of this do you think is hormones vs, well… marriage?
Loretta
Hormones are just one of the factors that shape libido—and likely not the most important one. The science suggests that life circumstances are often more important. When older women don’t have sex, it’s not usually because they have a low sex drive. It’s often because they are unhappy in their relationships, or their partners have problems with erectile dysfunction, or they are exhausted or overwhelmed by the demands of parenting (to be fair, all of these things can affect sex drive, so it can be hard to tease it all apart).
As soon as I was out of the confines of my marriage—during which I had ZERO interest in sex—it was like the floodgates opened. My hormones haven’t changed; my situation has. I honestly find this all very reassuring and empowering, because we have more control over our life circumstances than we do over our hormones!
Virginia
There are also SO MANY EXPECTATIONS about the amount of beauty labor women should do before dating, let alone before sleeping with a new man. Body hair removal, makeup, texting all your friends your outfit options… and then your date can roll up to dinner in a hoodie. But as you’re saying, it’s not at all clear that those expectations are coming from the individual men themselves. If a guy did offer notes on a woman’s ability to conform to beauty standards, he would be out of the running as fast as a straight-up MAGA guy.
And yet, a lot of us would still struggle to skip certain beauty practices before a date. How do you think about this piece of things?
Loretta
I struggle with this piece. In your podcast interview with
, she talked about a dad making a young woman watch pageant videos so she could learn how to walk properly. When I was a tween, I was instructed to walk around with books on my head so I could learn proper posture. So I have been heavily socialized in these ways, and I still engage in a lot of beauty rituals. I use self-tanner. I dye the gray out of my hair. I shave before dates (but for the record, I have never had a Brazilian!).And yet I’m also aware that I likely don’t need to be doing this, and that in doing it, I am just reinforcing sexist ideas about women’s value being rooted in their appearance. Part of it is that I want to feel self-confident going into a date, and these rituals make me feel hot! But slowly I am realizing that they are unnecessary and counterproductive.
I recently started sleeping with my A/C repairman, who did a lot of work on my house about a year ago, when I was still married. When he showed up back then, I was always unkempt and unshowered and had my hair in a ponytail and was wearing yoga pants. And yet he recently told me that he had been so attracted to me. I was like wait, what? I didn’t even think it was POSSIBLE for a man to be attracted to me when I wasn’t put together. Another guy asked me out on a date recently when I was un-makeup-ed and had just finished exercising. Again, I was floored. It’s all helping me recognize that these rituals really are unnecessary. We don’t have to be doing all of this labor. For me, though, it’s baby steps—I’m still dying my hair, but I’m definitely less rigid about shaving before dates now, compared with a few months ago. And literally no guy seems to care.
Virginia
Last week I wrote about the 4B movement, which comes out of South Korea and is organized by militant feminists who argue that women need to stop dating men, stop having sex with men, stop marrying men, and stop having children with men. I don’t think policing women’s bodies is good feminism, though I also think this conversation is very nuanced. (See this piece by
and this piece by for more.)So I do struggle a bit with being a straight woman in these misogynistic times. How do you reconcile wanting to have sex with men with your feminism?
Loretta
I think what matters most is *why* we are having sex. If a woman is having sex because she wants it, and it’s on her terms, and it’s primarily for her enjoyment, then that’s great. If a woman is having sex because a guy wants her to, or she feels obligated because she’s married, or whatever, then that’s different. I think we should all be having less sex out of a sense of duty.
Virginia
For readers who are still married or partnered: What advice do you have for women who would like to unlock some of the sexual freedom you’ve found post-divorce, without necessarily getting divorced?
Loretta
I can’t say I have great advice here because I think I failed at this. I was unable to find joy in sex during my marriage. Although I did regularly enjoy fantasies involving other men! And I think there’s nothing wrong with that. I will say that now that I’m out of my marriage, I’m finding a lot of joy in novelty. I’m not saying that women should start trying new weird things in bed that they may not really want to do. But if there are things you’re curious about, at least learn more about them! I spent an hour in a sex shop recently shopping for vibrators and talking to the employee about all the new vibrator trends, and that was really fun. And also led to an amazing new vibrator discovery!
Virginia
I also think so much of it comes down to whether your partner is sharing the load equally and participating in your life in a way that makes sex feel like a shared project rather than yet another domestic obligation that women must fulfill. Because when that’s not happening (and we know it usually isn’t happening!) then it’s hard to keep sex from becoming one more thing you’re doing in service of your marriage and family rather than for yourself.
Loretta
Yes, totally—and this comes back to distinguishing sex from patriarchal sex, which is something that Celeste Davis recently wrote about. It’s next to impossible to want physical intimacy with someone who you feel traps and uses you.
Virginia
And for readers who are newly single, or newly back to dating or even just contemplating dating: Any advice for how to get started on their own sexual revolution?
Loretta
I really like the app Feeld because it normalizes pretty much everything. Whatever you’re looking for, there are other people who are looking for it too, and nothing is stigmatized. It’s been very freeing. And I actually really like meeting men on apps because I find communicating via text so much easier! You can immediately set terms and boundaries and talk about likes and dislikes and that prevents so much frustration later on. For instance, over text before we meet, I always tell guys that condoms are non-negotiable. I think this weeds out a lot of men, which is pretty messed up for a lot of reasons—but I definitely don’t want to end up in bed with a guy who’s going to pressure me to have unprotected sex. For me, at least, it’s easier to be upfront and assertive like this via text than in person.
Virginia
Okay, last question. What’s your favorite vibrator or sex toy right now? Basically, yes, I’m asking: What’s your Sex Butter?
After the paywall, Loretta recommends the two vibrators that are bringing her the most pleasure right now (with in-depth reviews!).
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