The Wedding Guest Strategy

Plus orcas, emotional support throw pillows and what if vampires went to fat camp.

Jun 30, 2023

∙ Paid

I read

’s brilliant new book Quietly Hostile last weekend and wow, was it exactly what I needed because I was in an utterly shit mood and Sam makes you cry-laugh on every other page and is just generally a national treasure.

Quietly Hostile also has so much great body writing (again, no surprise, have you met Sam) but this particular chunk is so so good:

I got my nails done a few weeks ago because I was gonna see people I haven’t seen in years and there is a disease in my brain that rationalized: “Maybe if your nails are tidy and dark and shiny, they will distract from the fact that the rest of you looks like a melted pillar candle.” My regular brain knows that no one is clocking your nails when you have, you know, a head and tits and a face, but it’s never the real mind that causes me agony, now is it? Diseased Brain is louder and meaner—and if we’re being honest, funnier—than Regular Brain, and the only tool I have to shout it down is one I developed called ‘Wedding Guest,’ which mostly involves repeating “You are not the bride” over and over to myself when I get overwhelmed about being seen by other human eyes and only having greasy sweatshirts at my disposal to present myself in.
[…] You’re not the one getting married, who the hell gives a shit what you are wearing? You are background filler! You’re an extra without a speaking part! And it’s true. If you go to a thing that’s not your specific thing and you can manage to avoid people’s stupid camera phones the whole time, then it absolutely does not matter what you are wearing or if you are even there.

If you, like me, take your social anxiety out on your closet, you know this is actually genius.

Wedding guests wearing whatever by martinedoucet for Getty.

So now I want to know: Do you have a version of Wedding Guest? Some strategy you rely on to help you make wardrobe decisions and get the hell out the door already? (Just don’t say capsule wardrobe. Or do I guess, but know that I’m NOT SOLD YET.) Or some more general way you talk yourself off the ledge when negative body thoughts creep in?

I also like to remind myself: Hotness is optional. Or at least, it sure should be anyplace I go.