The Age of Omicron and the “everyone will get it now” sentiment has been hitting me hard this week. After two years of worry and sacrifice, especially parenting in isolation while trying to protect a not-yet-vaccinated small child, it’s all feeling…pointless? I’m not sure how to take the “appropriate” level of responsibility—what does it mean to take precautions without assuming (the illusion of) control? Sigh. It feels unacceptable that we’re still in this mode of constant risk assessment and mitigation, on top of the general mental load of motherhood that was already unsustainable. Anyway, thanks for writing this and providing space to process. This framework that decouples health from morality connects a lot of dots between COVID, disability, chronic illness, fatphobia, etc. and that is important and helpful work, especially for us parents.
I’m struggling with this question about taking responsibility vs control of outcome too. I’m not sure there is a good answer. But definitely here to process!
Loved this. Also perfect timing. Just yesterday my kid came home and said [redacted] said something mean to me. So I asked what he said and it was “paper masks zap germs but cloth masks let the germs in.” She felt like he was insulting her because she had on a cloth mask (because 1) she is sensitive to textures and we haven't found a disposable one that fits properly yet, and 2) I've ordered a few more different kinds of disposable masks that haven't yet arrived.) I'm not even sure what to make of this, but I hate it.
Ughhhhh. Yes the mask hierarchy is such a maddening form of virtue signaling given the huge access/equity issues involved. Such a bummer to hear kids learning this!
Ok so my knee-jerk reaction to reading this was, “But some masks work better than others and I have to explain that to my kid in order to help him accept wearing the mask and now I have to make sure he knows not to comment on anyone else’s mask?!” Deep breath. Try again. Reframing this scenario as similar to not villainizing any foods, I can remember that everyone is doing their best with what’s available to them and we’ll never understand all of the reasons that went into their decision and it’s not our place to correct them. So instead of preparing my kid for every possible scenario where someone looks or says or does something different from his experience, I can just keep focusing on my broad message to him that people and families look different and have different rules and ways of doing things, and no one is right/wrong, and we’re just doing what feels best for him/our family.
I like your reframing here. Because even though the science strongly suggests that N95s are better than fabric masks -- nothing about this science is fully settled, and even N95s are not perfect. (As well as costing more money, being hard to find, etc, etc, all of which may inform why someone is still wearing a fabric mask and not failing as a person...)
And just to be clear: It's hard because we're being asked to do the impossible!
It feels impossible. On the one hand, I feel like I should try to explain that some masks do work better (and for that reason, we are going to try to switch if they ever arrive), but on the other hand, no masks zap germs, and even if they did, it's not as though a class of 29 kindergarteners wear them so well that they are perfect anyway. My other question is how to explain the nuances of paper masks without making my kid terrified of covid (which is a an approach I have witnessed in other families). Back to food - how do we have all these conversations without fear and threats??
I have landed on "the best mask is the one they'll wear" and three different brands of KF94s later, my son still dislikes them to the point where I feel like if an adult doesn't have their eye on him, he will take it off. We're able to afford Enro masks, which are cloth but with an internal filter, and I definitely feel this urge to say defensively to people "there's a filter in it! It was Wirecutter's top pick for kids!"
A friend of mine teaches in a private residential girls' high school; they tested the kids yesterday, and today one of the kids got the news that she had tested positive while in my friend's class. This was a girl who had tried very very hard to do everything "right" and was just devastated at the thought that she might have exposed others, trembling and trying not to cry as she apologized to everyone over and over again. My friend said that everyone in the room genuinely showered her with love and reassured her over and over again that it wasn't her fault and she wasn't a bad person. But wow was it ever a fraught experience, for that kid and everyone dealing with this.
This really resonates with me. From the beginning of the pandemic I've struggled so much with the idea that getting COVID = personal failure, and being afraid I would spread it to other, more vulnerable people. The second part is still a worry, and I'm definitely having trouble with the switch to "Oh well I guess we're all going to get it now!" I'm seeing from a lot of people about omicron. But I'm starting to be able to recognize that, just like you said, health is not a matter of willpower. And I can totally see how it intersects with diet culture in that way, and a million other things that are presented as individual failings but are really societal issues. I'm vaxxed and boosted and still being extremely careful, but I also have a teenager who has to go to school. I've talked with her about all of this and how she will probably be exposed and that it's not her fault if she catches it, but I hate that we're all in this situation.
This is such a great, timely essay! This has been so much on my mind, we’re an adult only household, so it’s easier for us (sometimes!) to understand the nuances and work on knee jerk assumptions that getting COVID is due to personal irresponsibility versus a complex series of hard choices and factors totally out of our control. For our friends with kids, wow do I feel for them! It’s much harder to help kids understand without scaring or confusing them more especially with messages coming from other sources like classmates, teachers, etc — I am going to share this newsletter edition with a lot of folks who will appreciate your thoughtfulness very deeply!
Minor aside: I donated to the Me Little Me fund — the minimum donation is $3 (I’m guessing because of processing fees), I am not sure if this is helpful or silly info to pass along if anyone else was, like me, donating with the idea of “I can certainly donate just $1 without much thought” — needing to go up to $3 wasn’t a financial burden. I think mentioning this makes me sound ridiculous or scolding, it’s about me being someone who likes to know exactly what to expect in all situations (even when inconsequential) and maybe someone else is like that too?
Thank you for the essay feedback AND for noting this about the donations -- I'm updating the text here on the website, at least. That was totally my mistake for forgetting to check. Thank you so much for supporting the project!
The Age of Omicron and the “everyone will get it now” sentiment has been hitting me hard this week. After two years of worry and sacrifice, especially parenting in isolation while trying to protect a not-yet-vaccinated small child, it’s all feeling…pointless? I’m not sure how to take the “appropriate” level of responsibility—what does it mean to take precautions without assuming (the illusion of) control? Sigh. It feels unacceptable that we’re still in this mode of constant risk assessment and mitigation, on top of the general mental load of motherhood that was already unsustainable. Anyway, thanks for writing this and providing space to process. This framework that decouples health from morality connects a lot of dots between COVID, disability, chronic illness, fatphobia, etc. and that is important and helpful work, especially for us parents.
I’m struggling with this question about taking responsibility vs control of outcome too. I’m not sure there is a good answer. But definitely here to process!
Loved this. Also perfect timing. Just yesterday my kid came home and said [redacted] said something mean to me. So I asked what he said and it was “paper masks zap germs but cloth masks let the germs in.” She felt like he was insulting her because she had on a cloth mask (because 1) she is sensitive to textures and we haven't found a disposable one that fits properly yet, and 2) I've ordered a few more different kinds of disposable masks that haven't yet arrived.) I'm not even sure what to make of this, but I hate it.
Ughhhhh. Yes the mask hierarchy is such a maddening form of virtue signaling given the huge access/equity issues involved. Such a bummer to hear kids learning this!
Ok so my knee-jerk reaction to reading this was, “But some masks work better than others and I have to explain that to my kid in order to help him accept wearing the mask and now I have to make sure he knows not to comment on anyone else’s mask?!” Deep breath. Try again. Reframing this scenario as similar to not villainizing any foods, I can remember that everyone is doing their best with what’s available to them and we’ll never understand all of the reasons that went into their decision and it’s not our place to correct them. So instead of preparing my kid for every possible scenario where someone looks or says or does something different from his experience, I can just keep focusing on my broad message to him that people and families look different and have different rules and ways of doing things, and no one is right/wrong, and we’re just doing what feels best for him/our family.
I like your reframing here. Because even though the science strongly suggests that N95s are better than fabric masks -- nothing about this science is fully settled, and even N95s are not perfect. (As well as costing more money, being hard to find, etc, etc, all of which may inform why someone is still wearing a fabric mask and not failing as a person...)
And just to be clear: It's hard because we're being asked to do the impossible!
It feels impossible. On the one hand, I feel like I should try to explain that some masks do work better (and for that reason, we are going to try to switch if they ever arrive), but on the other hand, no masks zap germs, and even if they did, it's not as though a class of 29 kindergarteners wear them so well that they are perfect anyway. My other question is how to explain the nuances of paper masks without making my kid terrified of covid (which is a an approach I have witnessed in other families). Back to food - how do we have all these conversations without fear and threats??
I have landed on "the best mask is the one they'll wear" and three different brands of KF94s later, my son still dislikes them to the point where I feel like if an adult doesn't have their eye on him, he will take it off. We're able to afford Enro masks, which are cloth but with an internal filter, and I definitely feel this urge to say defensively to people "there's a filter in it! It was Wirecutter's top pick for kids!"
I am here for this mantra!
Oh that is so sad and hard. I hope she is feeling better after being able to talk to you about it.
A friend of mine teaches in a private residential girls' high school; they tested the kids yesterday, and today one of the kids got the news that she had tested positive while in my friend's class. This was a girl who had tried very very hard to do everything "right" and was just devastated at the thought that she might have exposed others, trembling and trying not to cry as she apologized to everyone over and over again. My friend said that everyone in the room genuinely showered her with love and reassured her over and over again that it wasn't her fault and she wasn't a bad person. But wow was it ever a fraught experience, for that kid and everyone dealing with this.
This really resonates with me. From the beginning of the pandemic I've struggled so much with the idea that getting COVID = personal failure, and being afraid I would spread it to other, more vulnerable people. The second part is still a worry, and I'm definitely having trouble with the switch to "Oh well I guess we're all going to get it now!" I'm seeing from a lot of people about omicron. But I'm starting to be able to recognize that, just like you said, health is not a matter of willpower. And I can totally see how it intersects with diet culture in that way, and a million other things that are presented as individual failings but are really societal issues. I'm vaxxed and boosted and still being extremely careful, but I also have a teenager who has to go to school. I've talked with her about all of this and how she will probably be exposed and that it's not her fault if she catches it, but I hate that we're all in this situation.
This is such a great, timely essay! This has been so much on my mind, we’re an adult only household, so it’s easier for us (sometimes!) to understand the nuances and work on knee jerk assumptions that getting COVID is due to personal irresponsibility versus a complex series of hard choices and factors totally out of our control. For our friends with kids, wow do I feel for them! It’s much harder to help kids understand without scaring or confusing them more especially with messages coming from other sources like classmates, teachers, etc — I am going to share this newsletter edition with a lot of folks who will appreciate your thoughtfulness very deeply!
Minor aside: I donated to the Me Little Me fund — the minimum donation is $3 (I’m guessing because of processing fees), I am not sure if this is helpful or silly info to pass along if anyone else was, like me, donating with the idea of “I can certainly donate just $1 without much thought” — needing to go up to $3 wasn’t a financial burden. I think mentioning this makes me sound ridiculous or scolding, it’s about me being someone who likes to know exactly what to expect in all situations (even when inconsequential) and maybe someone else is like that too?
Thank you for the essay feedback AND for noting this about the donations -- I'm updating the text here on the website, at least. That was totally my mistake for forgetting to check. Thank you so much for supporting the project!
This was a fantastic issue, Virginia. Thank you.
Thanks Sarah!