One parenting technique I've found helpful is to discourage comments on people's appearance in general. This has been helpful with a whole range of things: weight, height (my tall friends are as sick of comments as my fat friends), disability, race, gender, etc etc. Responses I've used: "How someone looks is usually the least interesting thing about them," "Let's not focus on people's appearance" and "Why does this matter?" Now my daughters have internalized this to the point where they will call me out when I forget and comment on someone's appearance.
So good and so helpful, Virginia, as always. Sometimes when I don't know what else to say I simply revert to, "All bodies are good bodies." That at least buys me a little time to formulate my thoughts before going further.
This is such an amazing compilation of resources and a thoughtful guide - thanks you! We are reading your book, Fat Talk, for our book club in late August. I will share this with them and others. Thank you for your loving and wise work!!
Thank you! I’m way past raising kids, but hanging out with two young adults one male one female, who are eating disordered. These kinds of comments are so important at every age. Heck, I found this commentary helpful even for my own thoughts! I’m trying to de-program myself, and it requires vigilance. It is such a relief though to recognize that body size is just not a factor. . I’m very thankful for tearing down all these“rules.” They are harmful and exhausting.
I was walking in Target the other day and overheard a younger girl (maybe 7 or 8?) say “ew look at that, she’s fat!” and pointed to an image on a product label. The LOOK I gave the adult she was with --> 😡. However, I will admit I overheard the adult later whispering “some people have bodies that look like that”. It made me think about and practice a script in my head to be ready if a child of mine in the future says that or if little ones in my family ever say that. It was a grounding moment.
Oh whew, I so get the impulse to give The Look but I also know from experience that kids that age say this stuff and it doesn't necessarily mean they learned from the adult who happens to be present. I also worry those looks could be misinterpreted as "how awful your child said the word fat!" Offering something like, "all bodies are good bodies!" as you pass by might be more productive. (again, though, I get why that isn't always our first impulse!)
I appreciate that reminder! It was definitely an impulse anger-shock look. I 100% don’t want it taken to be the exact opposite of what I meant it as, like you mentioned around it being misinterpreted 😭 Thank you, Virginia!
Wonderful, practical, and smart advice. I especially appreciate that we have to do our own work, but that we can give ourselves the "space and grace" not to be perfect, but just to try. Also, that it's a continuum, we don't have to "swing at every pitch," and it's enough that we have some tools. Be mindful, practice, and just keep going. Good strategy for life in general!
Thank you for this! I think the one I struggle with the most is pointing out the fat bias in kids shows, books, etc. Is there good scripting for those situations like you provided for reclaiming fat in a good way? I know it might be situation specific. But I struggle with where to start. Pointing out they are being mean to fat characters? Pointing out that fat characters are being laughed at? Thanks!
I think it's a sort of always evolving thing. Sometimes I press pause and name it really directly. "I don't like how they're making the fat person the villain here. That's a harmful stereotype." Sometimes I'm more curious: "What are you noticing about how they talk about body size here?" Sometimes I let it go to see if my kids will notice it themselves, or just ask them more open-ended questions about the book or the show to see if it comes up. A lot of it will depend on how familiar your kids already are with these concepts (mine often shout "yes yes we know it's fatphobia, just let us watch!!") and their age, and your own bandwidth on any given day to get into it! We don't/can't swing at every pitch.
One parenting technique I've found helpful is to discourage comments on people's appearance in general. This has been helpful with a whole range of things: weight, height (my tall friends are as sick of comments as my fat friends), disability, race, gender, etc etc. Responses I've used: "How someone looks is usually the least interesting thing about them," "Let's not focus on people's appearance" and "Why does this matter?" Now my daughters have internalized this to the point where they will call me out when I forget and comment on someone's appearance.
Love this!
So good and so helpful, Virginia, as always. Sometimes when I don't know what else to say I simply revert to, "All bodies are good bodies." That at least buys me a little time to formulate my thoughts before going further.
That really is such a trusty little sentence! Good for all occasions.
What an incredible list of resources! Thank you.
This is such an amazing compilation of resources and a thoughtful guide - thanks you! We are reading your book, Fat Talk, for our book club in late August. I will share this with them and others. Thank you for your loving and wise work!!
Hooray! We've also got the Fat Talk book club guide here: https://virginiasolesmith.substack.com/p/a-perpetually-evolving-list-of-fat
Sweet! Thanks!!🌟
Thank you! I’m way past raising kids, but hanging out with two young adults one male one female, who are eating disordered. These kinds of comments are so important at every age. Heck, I found this commentary helpful even for my own thoughts! I’m trying to de-program myself, and it requires vigilance. It is such a relief though to recognize that body size is just not a factor. . I’m very thankful for tearing down all these“rules.” They are harmful and exhausting.
So glad it's helpful!
I was walking in Target the other day and overheard a younger girl (maybe 7 or 8?) say “ew look at that, she’s fat!” and pointed to an image on a product label. The LOOK I gave the adult she was with --> 😡. However, I will admit I overheard the adult later whispering “some people have bodies that look like that”. It made me think about and practice a script in my head to be ready if a child of mine in the future says that or if little ones in my family ever say that. It was a grounding moment.
Oh whew, I so get the impulse to give The Look but I also know from experience that kids that age say this stuff and it doesn't necessarily mean they learned from the adult who happens to be present. I also worry those looks could be misinterpreted as "how awful your child said the word fat!" Offering something like, "all bodies are good bodies!" as you pass by might be more productive. (again, though, I get why that isn't always our first impulse!)
I appreciate that reminder! It was definitely an impulse anger-shock look. I 100% don’t want it taken to be the exact opposite of what I meant it as, like you mentioned around it being misinterpreted 😭 Thank you, Virginia!
No worries! Completely get the impulse/have given that same look!
Thank you so much for this!
Wonderful, practical, and smart advice. I especially appreciate that we have to do our own work, but that we can give ourselves the "space and grace" not to be perfect, but just to try. Also, that it's a continuum, we don't have to "swing at every pitch," and it's enough that we have some tools. Be mindful, practice, and just keep going. Good strategy for life in general!
👏
Thank you for this! I think the one I struggle with the most is pointing out the fat bias in kids shows, books, etc. Is there good scripting for those situations like you provided for reclaiming fat in a good way? I know it might be situation specific. But I struggle with where to start. Pointing out they are being mean to fat characters? Pointing out that fat characters are being laughed at? Thanks!
I think it's a sort of always evolving thing. Sometimes I press pause and name it really directly. "I don't like how they're making the fat person the villain here. That's a harmful stereotype." Sometimes I'm more curious: "What are you noticing about how they talk about body size here?" Sometimes I let it go to see if my kids will notice it themselves, or just ask them more open-ended questions about the book or the show to see if it comes up. A lot of it will depend on how familiar your kids already are with these concepts (mine often shout "yes yes we know it's fatphobia, just let us watch!!") and their age, and your own bandwidth on any given day to get into it! We don't/can't swing at every pitch.