Nov 29, 2022·edited Jun 28, 2023Liked by Virginia Sole-Smith
I was literally laying in bed after my baby’s 5 am wake up beating myself up for being off my “movement” routine when this came in. Yes to learning to love both sides of ourselves whether we move or choose to read and listen to a podcast w a coffee instead. I never had words to pinpoint that I seem to devalue the me who doesn’t move as much. It’s not something I can learn overnight but at least I have words for it now. Thanks for diving into this and sharing your perspective. And as always, for being vulnerable.
Oh gosh, please just snooze and snuggle - get yourself another blanket, no, even if you already have one, get another one. I have totally been there, feeling like I have to be back to how I was before pregnancy -- or BETTER, why not BETTER? -- and loathing myself for being different, which, I mean, yeah, I had made a human inside myself and was now a parent, of course I was different. Anyway, take care of yourself and hunker down and do what feels good for your body.
I love the concept of detangling exercise from weight loss. I’m not going to say that the fact that I exercise regularly is not tied to that, but I also cling to the hope that exercise will stave off what my 82-year old mom is going through right now. She has had health issues in the last few years -- she is still in relatively good health for a woman her age -- but her lifestyle has changed markedly, causing depression. There are days she feels too weak to get out of bed. Her doctors tell her more exercise would help her physically and mentally. I am hoping beyond hope that the strength exercises I do will delay some of what she is going through. And help my balance and bone density. My mom is only 23 years older than me so something about seeing her so frail and resistant to exercising is driving me to an extent. I realize I’m probably replacing one obsessive behavior with another but it feels now more about being healthy than thin. I fully admit that the seeking thinness part of the equation is still there for me -- and that kind of sucks -- but it’s become less of the entire reason that keeps me motivated, for better or worse.
This is really interesting and yes, I think health-as-motivation can be equally complicated — it privileges able bodies, plus, there is research showing it doesn’t work for most people bc often these kinds of health concerns are too far-off and abstract— but clearly that’s not the case for you!). But I also so get this because having such acute back pain is what got me to finally semi-consistently stick with doing the exercises that relieve that pain.
I think you are right about privileging able bodies. I certainly have no shame utilizing modifications when I exercise, which my almost-58-year-old body is happy about. I think instructors and the health industry need to move away from using words like “just” (it’s ok if you just do calf raises instead of jumping) and “only” (that’s fine if you only want to do low impact moves). I love the expression “you do you,” but doing modifications shouldn’t feel like a copout, which is the underlying message I’m often getting, despite the industry trying to be inclusive (or trying to give the impression that it’s doing that).
This is so important! I think about it ALL. THE. TIME. as a trainer and someone who helps make "how-to-exercise" kinds of content. It's a delicate balance and one I am always working on.
Exactly! That ‘just’ and ‘only’ in group aerobics applied to me from the instructor and I could see the others smirking or maybe glowing with ‘ superiority’ - yikes....I tried to proudly do my modifications, but it was only when I mentioned that I had ‘knee problems’ that there was some acceptance for n their looks... it’s tough out there - ( I don’t have knee problems)
I’m also dealing with some genetic spectres (including some that caught up despite my “model patient” habits) - one thing that has helped me is to find activities that I’d do even if I didn’t have various health reasons for them. Good luck, and no matter what happens in your future, it won’t be because you failed.
I have always been disabled, and was born with some messed-up feet, and movement has never not meant pain for me. I really hate exercise, and it's even worse since I broke my leg and ankle in 2019 and had surgery and two metal plates and 20 screws permanently installed. My doctor called it a "career-ending injury" if I were an athlete. Even just sitting at my desk right now, I'm in a pretty high degree of pain. So exercise has only ever felt like a punishment to me. I loved reading this because you articulated something I still, even in all my fat/body positivity, feel shame for being a Person Who Doesn't Exercise. I know movement is helpful for my body and its many chronic conditions, but it's so hard when it hurts so much. Exercise always feels like punishment because it hurts. The only time I ever enjoyed movement was in PT because I could feel and see how it was helping me get better. Regular exercise doesn't do that. I had a year--2011--where I did yoga every single day. And it never got any easier, and I actually tore a tendon in my ankle. I don't know what the solution is to finding a way to move that doesn't make me want to cry (both emotionally and physically). I wish I could find/afford some sort of movement coach that was similar to a physical therapist but I'm not sure that exists! Anyway, that's a long comment, but this piece resonated with me SO much. I feel like I have an essay of my own on this topic. :)
I have been thinking / wondering for years: why isn't there someone to hire that knows how to help big bodies, disabled big bodies, etc move without hurting us? Move with joy? Someone that understands everything about our limitations and never forces us to do things that will hurt us even more? It seem deeply maddening that there isn't any!
I remember being in a personal trainer session at a gym years ago and the trainer telling me to put my feet close together while standing. I had them as close as they'd go; the trainer kept trying to force me to make them touch! The trainer was completely unaware that my thighs being wider meant my feet would never touch side by side! It was literally insane. When there we are right in front of them with a totally different size and shaped body but they continue to force a slim able bodied action on us!
OMG yes, this! I know there are some folks who do this work, but none that I've found local to me. Or if they do "specialize" in working with bigger bodies, they're under the auspices of a WL clinic, and definitely not a safe space.
I'm doing physical therapy twice a week right now as I recover from surgery; I've done it a couple of times in the past, too, for a sprained ankle. I definitely consider myself a Person Who Doesn't Exercise but I actually kind of like physical therapy - and this comment and this essay have both helped me realize that it's probably because no one there is focused on weight/fitness, at all. It is exercise, but it doesn't "feel like it" because my goal is to reach things on a high shelf again, not to lose weight or get in shape. And so Valerie, I've also found myself wondering if there was something PT-like that I could continue with. Is that what a personal trainer does? I have no idea, and it feels strange to even consider it because that's something that People Who Exercise do. So much to unpack - thank you for this piece, Virginia!
Damn I can't believe how skewered I feel, here in my jumper under a blanket with a hot water bottle trying to force myself to go on a miserable chilly run. I really really love how much this made me think, and also I kind of resent you for it, but in an appreciative way. What if instead of continuing to make my workouts harder, I just.......enjoyed them and revelled in being in my body and did what feels good.
This feels like a good next step for me; I have spent a lot of time shifting my feelings about exercising to align with my feelings about food: I like sensual things! I like to feel good in my body! It's ridiculous to pretend that eating snacks is antithetical to working out when in fact they're both about enjoying having a body.
Thanks for the rec! This post and the comments have helped me remember that I was sick last week and it's fine not to force my recovering body back into what felt good two weeks ago for the sake of The Routine, so I'm doing some shorter things that feel good for the snotty body I'm currently in.
I wonder if there's also a distinction between "activity as a hobby" and "activity as a moral mandate" in terms of what becomes your long-term identity. I was a college athlete, and I continue to think of myself as an athlete of some kind, even during times when I'm not particularly active, and even though my body has changed a lot since then. Maybe the same way you likely think of yourself as a gardener, even when it's winter?
Yes! Great point. The problem is we have a moral hierarchy around hobbies too (why is video gaming considered less virtuous than marathon training, etc). But I do think that’s a useful way to start unraveling some of this…
Wow there is so much to process in this piece! I’m sitting here trying to decide if I am naturally a person who does not exericse. Even though I have been fairly regular my whole life, but so much of that has been diet culture influenced.
One of the things I found when I was in the real trenches of restriction and over exercising is that I am a “good” weight lifter, and I enjoyed it to the point of multiple injuries because of the all or nothing mind set. My local gym closed and I was sort of forced into only cardio for a few years and now, way on the other side of giving up dieting, I have found the perfect trainer who trains in a weight neutral space. And I am back to it and loving it so much. Not using it to burn calories (though I find myself thinking about that from time to time) but to make my life easier. I am in my mid 60s and I want to be able to not only go up and down stairs with ease, but go on those woods walks, especially if there are not harrowing heights involved. Woods walks are awesome. Forced 5 mile walks on the road is not awesome. Not for me.
I have to reread this as there was so much truth. Thank you!
As a person who menstruates, it’s been helpful for me on a micro-seasonal level to pay attention to my energy across my cycle (literally just an up, sideways, or down arrow on my calendar each day - 2 seconds, no fancy tracker), and plan my movement to be much more restful during week 4 and the first half of week 1 (so, PMS week[s] and the first couple days of my period). Fitness culture has such an emphasis on sticking to a workout plan that doesn’t take into account injury, stress, life, etc, but also is designed for cis men, who don’t deal with hormone fluctuations. The difference is enough for me to have the best, most joyful and endorphin-filled run during week 2 and to walk slowly followed by a nap in week 4 (that’s today’s plan!).
I love this, and have shifted to be in tune to my own menstrual cycles and do less and rest, be introspective and cozy, during certain cycle times. Thanks for sharing your perspective!
Wow, reading this I realized another way that WW messed me up: that your exercise earns you food points. I have done so much healing about food, but that terrible equation has stuck with me in ways I didn’t even realize. The worst thing about it is that I do actually love moving a lot of the time, and I’m mad that got pushed aside for “earning” food with it.
The other thing that stands out is exercise as an elitist thing for “health” and what total BS that is when doctors recommend it. I had a heart issue and at the bottom of my hospital discharge papers was “exercise, and practice yoga and meditation.” I’m a yoga teacher. There was nothing on there about how, how long, what kind, and god forbid, how to access and pay for classes.
There is still so much to unlearn and untangle, and I am grateful for your vulnerability to write about this.
The "eat better and get more exercise" has always infuriated me as advice because it's so nebulous. It doesn't allow the possibility of an effort being enough and assumes there's always room for improvement, which...isn't true even slightly? Both diet and exercise have rapidly diminishing returns!
Unlearning the WW “exercise = more food points” thing was one of the hardest things for me. Was? Is. I still have to remind myself sometimes that I don’t have to earn my food.
The comments from doctors in their notes are so unhelpful and not personalized at all. I think it’s a blanket recommendation. I work in a hospital and I will see things like “encourage DASH diet and daily walking” as the plan under one of the diagnoses and the patient is malnourished and uses a wheelchair. I’ve seen “intermittent fasting for weight loss” listed in notes from doctors when the patient has been unable to eat for weeks due to extreme nausea or something of the sort. Patients can also read their own charts so they can see these things as well. It’s likely a default smart phrase but they’re utterly useless and people might not realize it’s not personalized.
I don't precisely know how to articulate this, but for as long as I can remember, I've connected exercise to feeling "holy". I know that's a weird word choice, but that's the word my head has always used. (I'm not religious in the least, so I don't quite know why.) Anyway, that feeling has ALSO always come with the feeling of being so hungry you couldn't think straight. Because the way fat girls achieve uh, well, virtue, I guess, is by starving themselves and then working out until they can't think straight.
I'm no longer feeling hunger as virtue; I haven't been able to even touch exercise as virtue. It's so fucking triggering for me that I just...don't exercise. My mom is very worried that I'm "unhealthy"; she is also a fat person, but one who is still hugely enmeshed in diet culture (we are those ages; 40s and late 60s). I tried to explain that I'm not convinced I want to spend my life pursuing health at all costs, but she was just horrified that I might die before my niblings grow up. As if there is a 100% chance I'll die young if I am fat, eat what I want, and don't exercise.
I guess what I'm saying is, while I appreciated this piece, there is still something missing in it for me. It still feels very "Not that there's anything wrong with it!" towards people who don't exercise, who consciously choose to never exercise. I'm trying not to read it that way, but I've read it three times now, in a short span. I don't know.
I agree, untangling exercise from virtue is a whole fucking situation for a lot of us (most of us?). I for sure have more work to do on that front, which is probably what you're picking up on here and I appreciate you naming it. I absolutely did NOT want to write "not that there's anything wrong with it!" but I am sure that's something I'm still divesting from, as well. Damn this is hard.
I very much appreciate your response. This is SO hard. And I want you to know that I TRULY love your work, which is why I'm a subscriber. I read your first book (I think as an ARC) and just...I thought it was exceptional work; I've been reading your work since then, avidly.
I've been doing anti-diet work for myself for almost 10 years. I started reading Kate Harding's Shapely Prose and it really saved me. 10 years of divesting from harmful ideas about food and diets, and yet. I can't find a way to even START doing the work on exercise. And believe me, my therapist and I have been TRYING. When my therapist says it's life-long work, I'm discouraged, but I also know she's not wrong.
I guess what I also want to say is, thank you also for helping us all feel a little less alone. Thank you for widening and broadening the community of us. Thank you for giving us a place to talk about it without worrying how it will be taken. I truly appreciate this aspect of what you're doing too.
Thank you so much for this. I am partially disabled due to rheumatoid arthritis and other chronic illness, so I cannot exercise “hard” or else pain, pain, pain.
Because of my diseases, and depending on the dose and type of meds I’m on, my weight can wildly fluctuate from being thin to being fat. The amount I move and exercise has NEVER impacted my weight, however when I’m thin (which is ironically when all my blood work shows my body is struggling and in a flare) the doctors approve and don’t ask about exercise. However, when I’m in a fat body (the current state), I get all sorts of questions, with the pressure not only to exercise to lose weight, but also to become able-bodied, that if I just worked harder then I would be “fixed.”
I fired my doctors that buy into diet culture in ableism, and have a more supportive bunch that doesn’t tie exercise with weight loss. I found ways to bring in movement and exercise into my life to support my joints, the strength of my muscles, and my heart, because those things help me manage my diseases better. Being able to remove that need for a weight loss has allowed me to find a way to adapt and enjoy walks in the woods instead of grueling exercise that is hard on my joints. I love hiking, but adjust the difficulty of the trail based on what my body is capable of that day.
I live in a very “fit” state (Colorado) and it can be hard not to be a part of the hardcore exercise culture and compare what more able-bodied people can do. I’m finally at a place where I (mostly) don’t compare myself to others and allow everyone the relationship with exercise that works for them.
Thank you for sharing this vulnerable and thought-provoking piece!
I love this piece. It says out loud so many of the things I’ve felt for decades and never quite articulated.
Have you been watching “Fleishman is in Trouble”? I read the book in 2019 and loved it, and the show is great too. Both book and show have this running gag that all the thin, rich ladies always wear those tank tops with bragging or humblebragging workout-related statements on them, like “your workout is my warmup” and such, and the way this is presented as a joke is so refreshing, like it’s calling this behavior out for what it is: a performance of thinness.
As an exercise-resistant person in the (I think) “small fat” category of fatness, I’ve long been plagued by this cultural practice. I was all like “ugh, go away” when I walked through the downtown area of an affluent suburb recently and saw that they had, just in the space of a few blocks, a PureBarre AND a Club Pilates AND an F45 Training AND a StretchLab. All so the already-thin women can go swanning around in their tank tops. What adds insult to injury about this is, every time I HAVE had a period where I was exercising regularly, it didn’t result in any weight loss. And studies have shown that exercise doesn’t really cause weight loss. And even if you adopt the firmly anti-diet stance of not doing anything for the purpose of weight loss, the trope persists, that if you would just work out harder/more often/ at all, you WOULD BE thinner, and that these women are thin BECAUSE of all the working-out that they do. When actually these women were already thin anyway, and probably would continue to be, whether or not they went to PureBarre, so when I see this performance in action I resent that I’m essentially being lied to, and the lie implies that I’m inferior to these women.
One more thing: Every day, without fail, I do the NY Times crossword, the Spelling Bee, Wordle, Quordle, Worldle, Globle, Nerdle, and Heardle. My commitment to these puzzles is both intrinsic and irrational. I have heard that some people are like this about their exercise routines, like they are compulsively driven to do them. It “exercises my brain” to do the puzzles, yes, but I am (not to brag or anything) already smart. The same way those women are already thin. I think maybe one reason why the puzzles are satisfying is they reaffirm and focus on that smartness that I already feel confident about. However, there aren’t any venues for me to show off my prowess to the world at large, nor do I get socially rewarded for it the way the performance-of-exercise people do.
Nov 29, 2022·edited Nov 29, 2022Liked by Virginia Sole-Smith
Wow wow wow this resonates SO strongly with me. I’ve gotta process and come back with more thoughts. Thank you for writing this.
Ok I'm back - this could be a whole therapy session for me or book for you, Virginia. This insidious conflation of fitness/thinness/worthiness has plagued me my whole life and definitely played a role in the end of my 25yr marriage. I was married to that obsessed Ironman/Tough Mudder guy and "maybe" he didnt put pressure on me to become a regular exerciser, "maybe" I put it on myself along with all the other diet culture crap I put on myself. But, 13 years later, I'm in a bigger body, yes, but I have so much more peace in my life. I know that keeping myself strong is key to healthier aging and I've decided to use the considerable privilege I have to engage a trainer for my husband and I (who also doesn't love exercising). That way we avoid the judge-y gym atmosphere and have a truly comfortable fitness experience. That and enjoying movement outdoors has been the key for me. But there are no rules - I do it when I can and when I want to. So freeing.
I loved this. I'd love to think about what "a body not meant for movement" means in the context of disability. I feel so many of the things you do about privilege and capacity, about my relationship with exercise and the all or nothing mindset, because of disability. When your body is a body always in PT, always recovering from or "succumbing to" an injury, what does it mean to feel diet culture's demand for exercise - and judgment of those who don't?
"If we didn’t assess our success or failure as a Person Who Exercises based on weight, it would be much easier to just be a Person Who Does Some Exercise and to understand that as a morally neutral habit."
Yes, yes, yes. There is no morality to being a person who works out. I have personally come a long way in divorcing my self worth from my physical appearance. It's a long battle.
I want to plug a movement instructor that has helped me a lot and is very aligned here. Kara Duval has a pilates platform and movement practice called "Range." As I read this article, it was interesting to connect how Kara puts into practice these concepts. She never uses the word exercise, but rather movement. She emphasizes rest and trusting your body. She openly talks about her ED and past as a ballet dancer and how she had to unlearn the views on exercise that were taught to her. She uses specific, non-triggering language for folks with EDs. And she always includes accommodations for injuries or pre/post natal folks. I've never felt as motivated to keep up with a movement routine and it's because I don't feel the moral pressure to. Her classes are truly movement medicine for me.
Oh she’s probably a great fit then! In her private practice she works with a lot of clients who are recovering from injury or have chronic pain. I messaged her about my moms arthritis and she gave me specific class recommendations for her. She has a TON of classes on her site, but I recommend starting with the basecamp collection and emailing her about your back issues and asking for class recommendations. She’s a very calming Instagram follow if you’re on there as well.
I was literally laying in bed after my baby’s 5 am wake up beating myself up for being off my “movement” routine when this came in. Yes to learning to love both sides of ourselves whether we move or choose to read and listen to a podcast w a coffee instead. I never had words to pinpoint that I seem to devalue the me who doesn’t move as much. It’s not something I can learn overnight but at least I have words for it now. Thanks for diving into this and sharing your perspective. And as always, for being vulnerable.
5 am baby wakeups are absolutely a season of life in which movement takes a backseat to rest!!!
Oh gosh, please just snooze and snuggle - get yourself another blanket, no, even if you already have one, get another one. I have totally been there, feeling like I have to be back to how I was before pregnancy -- or BETTER, why not BETTER? -- and loathing myself for being different, which, I mean, yeah, I had made a human inside myself and was now a parent, of course I was different. Anyway, take care of yourself and hunker down and do what feels good for your body.
I love the concept of detangling exercise from weight loss. I’m not going to say that the fact that I exercise regularly is not tied to that, but I also cling to the hope that exercise will stave off what my 82-year old mom is going through right now. She has had health issues in the last few years -- she is still in relatively good health for a woman her age -- but her lifestyle has changed markedly, causing depression. There are days she feels too weak to get out of bed. Her doctors tell her more exercise would help her physically and mentally. I am hoping beyond hope that the strength exercises I do will delay some of what she is going through. And help my balance and bone density. My mom is only 23 years older than me so something about seeing her so frail and resistant to exercising is driving me to an extent. I realize I’m probably replacing one obsessive behavior with another but it feels now more about being healthy than thin. I fully admit that the seeking thinness part of the equation is still there for me -- and that kind of sucks -- but it’s become less of the entire reason that keeps me motivated, for better or worse.
This is really interesting and yes, I think health-as-motivation can be equally complicated — it privileges able bodies, plus, there is research showing it doesn’t work for most people bc often these kinds of health concerns are too far-off and abstract— but clearly that’s not the case for you!). But I also so get this because having such acute back pain is what got me to finally semi-consistently stick with doing the exercises that relieve that pain.
I think you are right about privileging able bodies. I certainly have no shame utilizing modifications when I exercise, which my almost-58-year-old body is happy about. I think instructors and the health industry need to move away from using words like “just” (it’s ok if you just do calf raises instead of jumping) and “only” (that’s fine if you only want to do low impact moves). I love the expression “you do you,” but doing modifications shouldn’t feel like a copout, which is the underlying message I’m often getting, despite the industry trying to be inclusive (or trying to give the impression that it’s doing that).
This is so important! I think about it ALL. THE. TIME. as a trainer and someone who helps make "how-to-exercise" kinds of content. It's a delicate balance and one I am always working on.
Awesome!
Exactly! That ‘just’ and ‘only’ in group aerobics applied to me from the instructor and I could see the others smirking or maybe glowing with ‘ superiority’ - yikes....I tried to proudly do my modifications, but it was only when I mentioned that I had ‘knee problems’ that there was some acceptance for n their looks... it’s tough out there - ( I don’t have knee problems)
I’m also dealing with some genetic spectres (including some that caught up despite my “model patient” habits) - one thing that has helped me is to find activities that I’d do even if I didn’t have various health reasons for them. Good luck, and no matter what happens in your future, it won’t be because you failed.
I have always been disabled, and was born with some messed-up feet, and movement has never not meant pain for me. I really hate exercise, and it's even worse since I broke my leg and ankle in 2019 and had surgery and two metal plates and 20 screws permanently installed. My doctor called it a "career-ending injury" if I were an athlete. Even just sitting at my desk right now, I'm in a pretty high degree of pain. So exercise has only ever felt like a punishment to me. I loved reading this because you articulated something I still, even in all my fat/body positivity, feel shame for being a Person Who Doesn't Exercise. I know movement is helpful for my body and its many chronic conditions, but it's so hard when it hurts so much. Exercise always feels like punishment because it hurts. The only time I ever enjoyed movement was in PT because I could feel and see how it was helping me get better. Regular exercise doesn't do that. I had a year--2011--where I did yoga every single day. And it never got any easier, and I actually tore a tendon in my ankle. I don't know what the solution is to finding a way to move that doesn't make me want to cry (both emotionally and physically). I wish I could find/afford some sort of movement coach that was similar to a physical therapist but I'm not sure that exists! Anyway, that's a long comment, but this piece resonated with me SO much. I feel like I have an essay of my own on this topic. :)
I have been thinking / wondering for years: why isn't there someone to hire that knows how to help big bodies, disabled big bodies, etc move without hurting us? Move with joy? Someone that understands everything about our limitations and never forces us to do things that will hurt us even more? It seem deeply maddening that there isn't any!
I remember being in a personal trainer session at a gym years ago and the trainer telling me to put my feet close together while standing. I had them as close as they'd go; the trainer kept trying to force me to make them touch! The trainer was completely unaware that my thighs being wider meant my feet would never touch side by side! It was literally insane. When there we are right in front of them with a totally different size and shaped body but they continue to force a slim able bodied action on us!
OMG yes, this! I know there are some folks who do this work, but none that I've found local to me. Or if they do "specialize" in working with bigger bodies, they're under the auspices of a WL clinic, and definitely not a safe space.
I'm doing physical therapy twice a week right now as I recover from surgery; I've done it a couple of times in the past, too, for a sprained ankle. I definitely consider myself a Person Who Doesn't Exercise but I actually kind of like physical therapy - and this comment and this essay have both helped me realize that it's probably because no one there is focused on weight/fitness, at all. It is exercise, but it doesn't "feel like it" because my goal is to reach things on a high shelf again, not to lose weight or get in shape. And so Valerie, I've also found myself wondering if there was something PT-like that I could continue with. Is that what a personal trainer does? I have no idea, and it feels strange to even consider it because that's something that People Who Exercise do. So much to unpack - thank you for this piece, Virginia!
Damn I can't believe how skewered I feel, here in my jumper under a blanket with a hot water bottle trying to force myself to go on a miserable chilly run. I really really love how much this made me think, and also I kind of resent you for it, but in an appreciative way. What if instead of continuing to make my workouts harder, I just.......enjoyed them and revelled in being in my body and did what feels good.
This feels like a good next step for me; I have spent a lot of time shifting my feelings about exercising to align with my feelings about food: I like sensual things! I like to feel good in my body! It's ridiculous to pretend that eating snacks is antithetical to working out when in fact they're both about enjoying having a body.
Jamie of @fitragamuffin has some great posts about the value of making workouts easy for precisely these reasons! Sorry for the (loving!) skewering. 😉
Thanks for the rec! This post and the comments have helped me remember that I was sick last week and it's fine not to force my recovering body back into what felt good two weeks ago for the sake of The Routine, so I'm doing some shorter things that feel good for the snotty body I'm currently in.
I wonder if there's also a distinction between "activity as a hobby" and "activity as a moral mandate" in terms of what becomes your long-term identity. I was a college athlete, and I continue to think of myself as an athlete of some kind, even during times when I'm not particularly active, and even though my body has changed a lot since then. Maybe the same way you likely think of yourself as a gardener, even when it's winter?
Yes! Great point. The problem is we have a moral hierarchy around hobbies too (why is video gaming considered less virtuous than marathon training, etc). But I do think that’s a useful way to start unraveling some of this…
Wow there is so much to process in this piece! I’m sitting here trying to decide if I am naturally a person who does not exericse. Even though I have been fairly regular my whole life, but so much of that has been diet culture influenced.
One of the things I found when I was in the real trenches of restriction and over exercising is that I am a “good” weight lifter, and I enjoyed it to the point of multiple injuries because of the all or nothing mind set. My local gym closed and I was sort of forced into only cardio for a few years and now, way on the other side of giving up dieting, I have found the perfect trainer who trains in a weight neutral space. And I am back to it and loving it so much. Not using it to burn calories (though I find myself thinking about that from time to time) but to make my life easier. I am in my mid 60s and I want to be able to not only go up and down stairs with ease, but go on those woods walks, especially if there are not harrowing heights involved. Woods walks are awesome. Forced 5 mile walks on the road is not awesome. Not for me.
I have to reread this as there was so much truth. Thank you!
As a person who menstruates, it’s been helpful for me on a micro-seasonal level to pay attention to my energy across my cycle (literally just an up, sideways, or down arrow on my calendar each day - 2 seconds, no fancy tracker), and plan my movement to be much more restful during week 4 and the first half of week 1 (so, PMS week[s] and the first couple days of my period). Fitness culture has such an emphasis on sticking to a workout plan that doesn’t take into account injury, stress, life, etc, but also is designed for cis men, who don’t deal with hormone fluctuations. The difference is enough for me to have the best, most joyful and endorphin-filled run during week 2 and to walk slowly followed by a nap in week 4 (that’s today’s plan!).
I love this, and have shifted to be in tune to my own menstrual cycles and do less and rest, be introspective and cozy, during certain cycle times. Thanks for sharing your perspective!
Wow, reading this I realized another way that WW messed me up: that your exercise earns you food points. I have done so much healing about food, but that terrible equation has stuck with me in ways I didn’t even realize. The worst thing about it is that I do actually love moving a lot of the time, and I’m mad that got pushed aside for “earning” food with it.
The other thing that stands out is exercise as an elitist thing for “health” and what total BS that is when doctors recommend it. I had a heart issue and at the bottom of my hospital discharge papers was “exercise, and practice yoga and meditation.” I’m a yoga teacher. There was nothing on there about how, how long, what kind, and god forbid, how to access and pay for classes.
There is still so much to unlearn and untangle, and I am grateful for your vulnerability to write about this.
The "eat better and get more exercise" has always infuriated me as advice because it's so nebulous. It doesn't allow the possibility of an effort being enough and assumes there's always room for improvement, which...isn't true even slightly? Both diet and exercise have rapidly diminishing returns!
Unlearning the WW “exercise = more food points” thing was one of the hardest things for me. Was? Is. I still have to remind myself sometimes that I don’t have to earn my food.
Yes. I’m finding it’s still around in really sneaky ways. I walked a local 5K with a friend and the tagline was “earn your turkey,” ugh.
But turkey is a lean meat! Shouldn’t it be pie?
What it should be is “start your day with a nice walk!” Which is what I wanted to do.
The comments from doctors in their notes are so unhelpful and not personalized at all. I think it’s a blanket recommendation. I work in a hospital and I will see things like “encourage DASH diet and daily walking” as the plan under one of the diagnoses and the patient is malnourished and uses a wheelchair. I’ve seen “intermittent fasting for weight loss” listed in notes from doctors when the patient has been unable to eat for weeks due to extreme nausea or something of the sort. Patients can also read their own charts so they can see these things as well. It’s likely a default smart phrase but they’re utterly useless and people might not realize it’s not personalized.
I don't precisely know how to articulate this, but for as long as I can remember, I've connected exercise to feeling "holy". I know that's a weird word choice, but that's the word my head has always used. (I'm not religious in the least, so I don't quite know why.) Anyway, that feeling has ALSO always come with the feeling of being so hungry you couldn't think straight. Because the way fat girls achieve uh, well, virtue, I guess, is by starving themselves and then working out until they can't think straight.
I'm no longer feeling hunger as virtue; I haven't been able to even touch exercise as virtue. It's so fucking triggering for me that I just...don't exercise. My mom is very worried that I'm "unhealthy"; she is also a fat person, but one who is still hugely enmeshed in diet culture (we are those ages; 40s and late 60s). I tried to explain that I'm not convinced I want to spend my life pursuing health at all costs, but she was just horrified that I might die before my niblings grow up. As if there is a 100% chance I'll die young if I am fat, eat what I want, and don't exercise.
I guess what I'm saying is, while I appreciated this piece, there is still something missing in it for me. It still feels very "Not that there's anything wrong with it!" towards people who don't exercise, who consciously choose to never exercise. I'm trying not to read it that way, but I've read it three times now, in a short span. I don't know.
I agree, untangling exercise from virtue is a whole fucking situation for a lot of us (most of us?). I for sure have more work to do on that front, which is probably what you're picking up on here and I appreciate you naming it. I absolutely did NOT want to write "not that there's anything wrong with it!" but I am sure that's something I'm still divesting from, as well. Damn this is hard.
I very much appreciate your response. This is SO hard. And I want you to know that I TRULY love your work, which is why I'm a subscriber. I read your first book (I think as an ARC) and just...I thought it was exceptional work; I've been reading your work since then, avidly.
I've been doing anti-diet work for myself for almost 10 years. I started reading Kate Harding's Shapely Prose and it really saved me. 10 years of divesting from harmful ideas about food and diets, and yet. I can't find a way to even START doing the work on exercise. And believe me, my therapist and I have been TRYING. When my therapist says it's life-long work, I'm discouraged, but I also know she's not wrong.
I guess what I also want to say is, thank you also for helping us all feel a little less alone. Thank you for widening and broadening the community of us. Thank you for giving us a place to talk about it without worrying how it will be taken. I truly appreciate this aspect of what you're doing too.
Thank you - this means so much.
Thank you so much for this. I am partially disabled due to rheumatoid arthritis and other chronic illness, so I cannot exercise “hard” or else pain, pain, pain.
Because of my diseases, and depending on the dose and type of meds I’m on, my weight can wildly fluctuate from being thin to being fat. The amount I move and exercise has NEVER impacted my weight, however when I’m thin (which is ironically when all my blood work shows my body is struggling and in a flare) the doctors approve and don’t ask about exercise. However, when I’m in a fat body (the current state), I get all sorts of questions, with the pressure not only to exercise to lose weight, but also to become able-bodied, that if I just worked harder then I would be “fixed.”
I fired my doctors that buy into diet culture in ableism, and have a more supportive bunch that doesn’t tie exercise with weight loss. I found ways to bring in movement and exercise into my life to support my joints, the strength of my muscles, and my heart, because those things help me manage my diseases better. Being able to remove that need for a weight loss has allowed me to find a way to adapt and enjoy walks in the woods instead of grueling exercise that is hard on my joints. I love hiking, but adjust the difficulty of the trail based on what my body is capable of that day.
I live in a very “fit” state (Colorado) and it can be hard not to be a part of the hardcore exercise culture and compare what more able-bodied people can do. I’m finally at a place where I (mostly) don’t compare myself to others and allow everyone the relationship with exercise that works for them.
Thank you for sharing this vulnerable and thought-provoking piece!
Fellow disabled person, and I relate to this a lot. I'm probably at my "healthiest" right now, and also my heaviest. But both are moving targets.
“Both are moving targets”—YES: so well put. Having someone else relate means so much, thank you for sharing <3
I love this piece. It says out loud so many of the things I’ve felt for decades and never quite articulated.
Have you been watching “Fleishman is in Trouble”? I read the book in 2019 and loved it, and the show is great too. Both book and show have this running gag that all the thin, rich ladies always wear those tank tops with bragging or humblebragging workout-related statements on them, like “your workout is my warmup” and such, and the way this is presented as a joke is so refreshing, like it’s calling this behavior out for what it is: a performance of thinness.
As an exercise-resistant person in the (I think) “small fat” category of fatness, I’ve long been plagued by this cultural practice. I was all like “ugh, go away” when I walked through the downtown area of an affluent suburb recently and saw that they had, just in the space of a few blocks, a PureBarre AND a Club Pilates AND an F45 Training AND a StretchLab. All so the already-thin women can go swanning around in their tank tops. What adds insult to injury about this is, every time I HAVE had a period where I was exercising regularly, it didn’t result in any weight loss. And studies have shown that exercise doesn’t really cause weight loss. And even if you adopt the firmly anti-diet stance of not doing anything for the purpose of weight loss, the trope persists, that if you would just work out harder/more often/ at all, you WOULD BE thinner, and that these women are thin BECAUSE of all the working-out that they do. When actually these women were already thin anyway, and probably would continue to be, whether or not they went to PureBarre, so when I see this performance in action I resent that I’m essentially being lied to, and the lie implies that I’m inferior to these women.
One more thing: Every day, without fail, I do the NY Times crossword, the Spelling Bee, Wordle, Quordle, Worldle, Globle, Nerdle, and Heardle. My commitment to these puzzles is both intrinsic and irrational. I have heard that some people are like this about their exercise routines, like they are compulsively driven to do them. It “exercises my brain” to do the puzzles, yes, but I am (not to brag or anything) already smart. The same way those women are already thin. I think maybe one reason why the puzzles are satisfying is they reaffirm and focus on that smartness that I already feel confident about. However, there aren’t any venues for me to show off my prowess to the world at large, nor do I get socially rewarded for it the way the performance-of-exercise people do.
Wow wow wow this resonates SO strongly with me. I’ve gotta process and come back with more thoughts. Thank you for writing this.
Ok I'm back - this could be a whole therapy session for me or book for you, Virginia. This insidious conflation of fitness/thinness/worthiness has plagued me my whole life and definitely played a role in the end of my 25yr marriage. I was married to that obsessed Ironman/Tough Mudder guy and "maybe" he didnt put pressure on me to become a regular exerciser, "maybe" I put it on myself along with all the other diet culture crap I put on myself. But, 13 years later, I'm in a bigger body, yes, but I have so much more peace in my life. I know that keeping myself strong is key to healthier aging and I've decided to use the considerable privilege I have to engage a trainer for my husband and I (who also doesn't love exercising). That way we avoid the judge-y gym atmosphere and have a truly comfortable fitness experience. That and enjoying movement outdoors has been the key for me. But there are no rules - I do it when I can and when I want to. So freeing.
Again - thanks so much for writing this.
I loved this. I'd love to think about what "a body not meant for movement" means in the context of disability. I feel so many of the things you do about privilege and capacity, about my relationship with exercise and the all or nothing mindset, because of disability. When your body is a body always in PT, always recovering from or "succumbing to" an injury, what does it mean to feel diet culture's demand for exercise - and judgment of those who don't?
Yes, yes, yes. I also want to think much more about exercise in the context of disability. I have a lot to learn (and unlearn) there.
Wow, Virginia, this one was incredible, and I have to admit, eye-opening for me. Thank you.
love love love
"If we didn’t assess our success or failure as a Person Who Exercises based on weight, it would be much easier to just be a Person Who Does Some Exercise and to understand that as a morally neutral habit."
Yes, yes, yes. There is no morality to being a person who works out. I have personally come a long way in divorcing my self worth from my physical appearance. It's a long battle.
I want to plug a movement instructor that has helped me a lot and is very aligned here. Kara Duval has a pilates platform and movement practice called "Range." As I read this article, it was interesting to connect how Kara puts into practice these concepts. She never uses the word exercise, but rather movement. She emphasizes rest and trusting your body. She openly talks about her ED and past as a ballet dancer and how she had to unlearn the views on exercise that were taught to her. She uses specific, non-triggering language for folks with EDs. And she always includes accommodations for injuries or pre/post natal folks. I've never felt as motivated to keep up with a movement routine and it's because I don't feel the moral pressure to. Her classes are truly movement medicine for me.
Link to Range by Kara Duval: https://range.karaduvalpilates.com/catalog
Oh thank you! My PT has been saying pilates would be good for my back issues but I’ve been dreading trying to find a good weight-inclusive class….
Oh she’s probably a great fit then! In her private practice she works with a lot of clients who are recovering from injury or have chronic pain. I messaged her about my moms arthritis and she gave me specific class recommendations for her. She has a TON of classes on her site, but I recommend starting with the basecamp collection and emailing her about your back issues and asking for class recommendations. She’s a very calming Instagram follow if you’re on there as well.
Thanks so much!