The emotional labor of dinner planning is REAL!!!!! It drives me nuts when my husband or kids occasionally say they'll make dinner and then show up in the kitchen at 5:30 to *begin* thinking about it. I don't want to eat dinner at 8pm, which is how long it takes once they've decided, run to the store for a missing ingredient, asked me where we keep X, cooked the thing, cooked the thing that goes with the thing, and finally left a sink full of dishes and a counter that looks like a war zone. That happens because of the lack of planning, which -- you're right -- no one sees, so they don't know how it happens. You really hit the nail on the head.
Oh god, I have a panic attack just thinking about that 8pm sink full of dishes! Yes. It's so much invisible work. And so crucial that somebody does it.
My husband does this same thing, but we’ve got a 4 year old who must be in bed by 7:30 or mommy’s head will explode. I gently (gently!) suggested he think a bit more about time management on his cooking nights and was rewarded with some very defensive huffing.
I abdicated all meal planning responsibilities while pregnant during the pandemic and my husband took over with no complaint (win!) However, now that our daughter's 6 months old and we're about to start solids with her, I'm the only one doing the research into purées vs baby led weaning, etc, etc, so I'm worried that change will be short-lived?
Is it just me or does the mental load for female partners just compound when kids arrive on the scene, in ways that it doesn't for dudes? We were pretty equitable before but so much just doesn't seem to be on his radar AT ALL.
We had to have some very conscious discussions of "here is how the baby is adding to our collective mental load, who is doing what" in order to keep things equitable. And I am 100% the researcher in the relationship, so it's easy for the balance to tip. But one thing to consider: There is no "right" way to do BLW; so if you want to handle feeding the baby one way and he wants to handle feeding the baby slightly differently... that is actually legit just fine! I'm pro-BLW... but also pro people not getting too obsessed about it, or using specific parenting methodologies to the point where only one parent is the "expert" on how it gets done. So if you're doing a lot here, maybe consider whether you need to take it all on?
Oooh yes, that's a great point. I think the dynamic so easily becomes that he looks to me for instruction since I am the one who researched or at least had it on my radar, and that's the thing that so easily irks me. But I've also set myself up for it to go that way.
VERY common (def happens here too!) and it won't change till men take this same kind of initiative, but I find it does at least help if I can notice when I'm the one doing all the initiative-taking and step back and say, hey, actually you can research summer camp this year (or whatever).
We plan every week -- tween lunch, adult lunch, dinner for all. WOAH. But to be clear, at least one day is reads "takeout" for dinner and on Thursdays it usually reads "clean out the frig" for dinner.
It helps to plan because hubby is diabetic (type 2) and lactose intolerant. When we plan we spend less, waste less, and keep LL's sugar in check. But my husband and I have talked about the "mental work" most women carry so this task is shared amongst all 3 of us. Together we pick meals, build the shopping list, and double check the frig/pantry. And then my husband and I shop together. We can be in-and-out of Trader Joe's in 20-30 minutes. #WINNING
It's HARD. lol I want to look at everything to make sure I don't miss an awesome new product or the return of a favorite seasonal one. I check the TJ's flyer regularly...like it's my local newspaper. Ha!
I love Talia! We had her on the podcast a few years ago and yes, she's very Intuitive Eating-aligned. It doesn't work so well for me personally because she's all about the meal PREP, and I don't want to/can't spend my weekends or my Sunday nights doing two hours of food prep, even if it would save so much time on weeknights.
Wow, I hit the exact same rut and also went looking for an app. I ended up going with Plate Joy. Not exactly 100% free of diet culture traps, but it scales the recipes according to how many adults/children and whether you want left overs AND ALSO whether you want a small/medium/large portion size for those people. So any and all math is done for me. And it handles dietary restrictions and allergies really well which is an issue for us. Mostly I like it. It doesn't acknowledge the existence of bottled salad dressing, so sometimes I have to scan through a recipe to see if I really need 2 lemons on the list or if it just has me making yet another lemon/olive oil dressing from scratch, but other than that I've been liking it.
Ooh that sounds like a good one. Also LOL on salad dressing! Mine also had me shredding cheese one day and I was like, BUT HAD I KNOWN I WOULD HAVE BOUGHT PRE-SHREDDED. I mean good lord.
Left to my own devices, I almost always mince my own garlic in a garlic press, but the app puts minced garlic on the shopping list. But salad dressing? Nope. Juicing lemons and measuring 4 spices is not less work/time than three garlic cloves through the press!
Thanks so much for this article! I find in my house it's not that my husband is unwilling to help (and if I write in "B cooks" on the meal plan he jumps right in) but that diet culture has made me such a freak about food that I can't give up the control. All those hours of planning, listing, and cooking to make sure the olive oil is correctly measured are yet another way I've let food rule my life. Sigh.
That is very understandable and it's great you're noticing the pattern! I hope you have support in helping you break out of some of that rigidity. It's very hard work.
Oh, bless your heart. My inconvenient Indian place changed to staying open all afternoon because of the pandemic! Perhaps yours will come to their senses one day.
I used to be the meal planner, but I quit in 2018 or so - the emotional labor was just too much. Not long after that I found out I’m allergic to dairy, too, plus the wheat allergy I already knew about. The only food I can get my husband and kid to eat with me now is bacon, lol/sob.
Ok, I love to meal plan, but I will start by saying that I’m a mom of a teenage daughter - which presents its own set of challenges! I plan out my dinner menus so that I (hopefully) have leftovers for lunchtime (this was crucial during the pandemic). As much as I love grocery shopping on a leisurely schedule, that’s not realistic to do daily; most of the rationale I use for meal planning is to save me from grocery shopping daily. So I do plan out family dinners based on when I can shop, when we’ll be home for dinner (vs running from sports practices to other commitments), and when I know I’ll need to have leftovers available. From there, I make lists, etc…it’s a process that I enjoy (most days), but I understand I *may* be in the minority here!
Yeah, I've also found that planning makes it much more likely that I will use everything in my CSA box and not waste it. Since I know that comes on Tuesdays, I plan starting from there.
The emotional labor of dinner planning is REAL!!!!! It drives me nuts when my husband or kids occasionally say they'll make dinner and then show up in the kitchen at 5:30 to *begin* thinking about it. I don't want to eat dinner at 8pm, which is how long it takes once they've decided, run to the store for a missing ingredient, asked me where we keep X, cooked the thing, cooked the thing that goes with the thing, and finally left a sink full of dishes and a counter that looks like a war zone. That happens because of the lack of planning, which -- you're right -- no one sees, so they don't know how it happens. You really hit the nail on the head.
Oh god, I have a panic attack just thinking about that 8pm sink full of dishes! Yes. It's so much invisible work. And so crucial that somebody does it.
My husband does this same thing, but we’ve got a 4 year old who must be in bed by 7:30 or mommy’s head will explode. I gently (gently!) suggested he think a bit more about time management on his cooking nights and was rewarded with some very defensive huffing.
I abdicated all meal planning responsibilities while pregnant during the pandemic and my husband took over with no complaint (win!) However, now that our daughter's 6 months old and we're about to start solids with her, I'm the only one doing the research into purées vs baby led weaning, etc, etc, so I'm worried that change will be short-lived?
Is it just me or does the mental load for female partners just compound when kids arrive on the scene, in ways that it doesn't for dudes? We were pretty equitable before but so much just doesn't seem to be on his radar AT ALL.
We had to have some very conscious discussions of "here is how the baby is adding to our collective mental load, who is doing what" in order to keep things equitable. And I am 100% the researcher in the relationship, so it's easy for the balance to tip. But one thing to consider: There is no "right" way to do BLW; so if you want to handle feeding the baby one way and he wants to handle feeding the baby slightly differently... that is actually legit just fine! I'm pro-BLW... but also pro people not getting too obsessed about it, or using specific parenting methodologies to the point where only one parent is the "expert" on how it gets done. So if you're doing a lot here, maybe consider whether you need to take it all on?
Oooh yes, that's a great point. I think the dynamic so easily becomes that he looks to me for instruction since I am the one who researched or at least had it on my radar, and that's the thing that so easily irks me. But I've also set myself up for it to go that way.
VERY common (def happens here too!) and it won't change till men take this same kind of initiative, but I find it does at least help if I can notice when I'm the one doing all the initiative-taking and step back and say, hey, actually you can research summer camp this year (or whatever).
If you do the baby-led, you *can* just sort of let him keep on with the really, really great job he’s been doing!
Once we've done all the individual food introductions, this is true! Thank you for keeping me from a potential spiral on that one, haha
We plan every week -- tween lunch, adult lunch, dinner for all. WOAH. But to be clear, at least one day is reads "takeout" for dinner and on Thursdays it usually reads "clean out the frig" for dinner.
It helps to plan because hubby is diabetic (type 2) and lactose intolerant. When we plan we spend less, waste less, and keep LL's sugar in check. But my husband and I have talked about the "mental work" most women carry so this task is shared amongst all 3 of us. Together we pick meals, build the shopping list, and double check the frig/pantry. And then my husband and I shop together. We can be in-and-out of Trader Joe's in 20-30 minutes. #WINNING
20-30 min in TJs is goals!
It's HARD. lol I want to look at everything to make sure I don't miss an awesome new product or the return of a favorite seasonal one. I check the TJ's flyer regularly...like it's my local newspaper. Ha!
I don't consistently use their planning/prep tools, but I enjoy Workweek Lunch for recipe ideas, and they're aligned with Intuitive Eating.
I love Talia! We had her on the podcast a few years ago and yes, she's very Intuitive Eating-aligned. It doesn't work so well for me personally because she's all about the meal PREP, and I don't want to/can't spend my weekends or my Sunday nights doing two hours of food prep, even if it would save so much time on weeknights.
Wow, I hit the exact same rut and also went looking for an app. I ended up going with Plate Joy. Not exactly 100% free of diet culture traps, but it scales the recipes according to how many adults/children and whether you want left overs AND ALSO whether you want a small/medium/large portion size for those people. So any and all math is done for me. And it handles dietary restrictions and allergies really well which is an issue for us. Mostly I like it. It doesn't acknowledge the existence of bottled salad dressing, so sometimes I have to scan through a recipe to see if I really need 2 lemons on the list or if it just has me making yet another lemon/olive oil dressing from scratch, but other than that I've been liking it.
Ooh that sounds like a good one. Also LOL on salad dressing! Mine also had me shredding cheese one day and I was like, BUT HAD I KNOWN I WOULD HAVE BOUGHT PRE-SHREDDED. I mean good lord.
Left to my own devices, I almost always mince my own garlic in a garlic press, but the app puts minced garlic on the shopping list. But salad dressing? Nope. Juicing lemons and measuring 4 spices is not less work/time than three garlic cloves through the press!
Thanks so much for this article! I find in my house it's not that my husband is unwilling to help (and if I write in "B cooks" on the meal plan he jumps right in) but that diet culture has made me such a freak about food that I can't give up the control. All those hours of planning, listing, and cooking to make sure the olive oil is correctly measured are yet another way I've let food rule my life. Sigh.
That is very understandable and it's great you're noticing the pattern! I hope you have support in helping you break out of some of that rigidity. It's very hard work.
Oh, bless your heart. My inconvenient Indian place changed to staying open all afternoon because of the pandemic! Perhaps yours will come to their senses one day.
I used to be the meal planner, but I quit in 2018 or so - the emotional labor was just too much. Not long after that I found out I’m allergic to dairy, too, plus the wheat allergy I already knew about. The only food I can get my husband and kid to eat with me now is bacon, lol/sob.
Oh gosh, that sounds rough! (But hooray for the Indian place!)
Ooh Mealime, please let me rename your app for you, I'm begging you
PLEASE DO.
Ok, I love to meal plan, but I will start by saying that I’m a mom of a teenage daughter - which presents its own set of challenges! I plan out my dinner menus so that I (hopefully) have leftovers for lunchtime (this was crucial during the pandemic). As much as I love grocery shopping on a leisurely schedule, that’s not realistic to do daily; most of the rationale I use for meal planning is to save me from grocery shopping daily. So I do plan out family dinners based on when I can shop, when we’ll be home for dinner (vs running from sports practices to other commitments), and when I know I’ll need to have leftovers available. From there, I make lists, etc…it’s a process that I enjoy (most days), but I understand I *may* be in the minority here!
I'm so glad it works for you! It's so interesting to hear everyone's different experience.
Yeah, I've also found that planning makes it much more likely that I will use everything in my CSA box and not waste it. Since I know that comes on Tuesdays, I plan starting from there.