My life- NY “social xray” mom. Everyone on my dad’s side is fat and avoiding that fate became my mom’s life’s mission (a failure - genetics and bone structure uber all). Among her last words to me from her deathbed were something about weight loss. And yet, “I come from a normal family.” And she meant more than well. She meant only the best. And it’s the worst trauma of my life, and even if I started therapy decades before I did, I don’t think I would ever fully heal. Thank you for this wonderful article, and as for the kids, good god, let them eat cake!
It matters so much how fat kids are treated at home. I was a fat kid and never once did my parents comment on my weight or eating habits except to offer me love when I complained to them that I felt upset certain clothes didn't fit or look the way I wanted them to look on me. I am fully committed to doing the same for my kids--one in a larger body and one in the very middle of the growth charts. Our kids have enough challenges in this world and fighting their bodies should not be one of them.
May 17, 2022·edited May 17, 2022Liked by Virginia Sole-Smith
I know this is only a small piece of the complicated stories, but my son's pediatrician wanted him to go to the "wellness clinic" because he has been gaining a lot of weight. As a parent trying to do my best with a kid who has a lot of challenges, it can feel hard going against a doctor's suggestion. I so appreciate all of your work and how it has helped me to begin unlearning fat phobia and it feels scary because culture and health professionals don't help me feel confident in this decision.
Oooof, this is a wonderful piece, Virginia. As a former fat kid and current fat adult, I think you absolutely captured that tension. "They don’t get to exist in their bodies; they learn, instead, to think about their bodies in terms of how they look to other people, in terms of the emotions they elicit in adults when they are viewed at doctor’s appointments, or in family photos." I could write an essay about how many family photos had to be retaken because I looked "too fat" in them. Oy vey.
Thank you Virginia. NYT still can't let go of the fatphobia-though they finally retired the ole' fat scold Jane Brody.
Sam sounds like he's never had an "out" fat friend. And he must be exhausted. If he only knew there was a community of people, and a ready pool of different rhetoric he could cannonball into (with applause.)
Thank you for the response to that NYT article. I was horrified by that one (and many of the other problematic articles that came with it) and I thought, Virginia better do a take down!
I'm about to write my own book chapter on diets/diet culture today and I needed to read this to get me motivated. Thank you! Some days it can feel like such an uphill battle as I try to sort through any of my own diet culture baggage and keep pushing for a more informed public/medical establishment/moms/students/kids...
Wow... I think I have a lot to process, and journal about, connected to this. I'll be real, as a bigger person it often feels like just existing is hard lately, and reading about Betty and Sam hits hard for me in so many ways. Not the least of which being Sam's mother's "fat-shaming father"... I feel like that's my dad. That's the dad I've had all my life, the dad who irreparably impacted my body image growing up, and the dad I have even now. It's a lot of pain. I'm not really sure I have any answers. I don't know. Maybe I lack the capacity to process too much of my thoughts right now, but this was an exceptionally valuable read and as always, spot-on.
I devoured this piece and have been re-reading it again. As someone who was a fat child/thin teenager/bigger bodied middle aged woman and who now has a bigger bodied child too, this piece really resonated with me. Because I experienced being fat as a child with a stick thin brother (still stick thin) and having puberty change my entire body like some magical shape shifter, I want to trust my daughter's body will do whatever it needs to do to help her grow and be alive in. I have always had a really positive, really great relationship with food and that's why it's my work now too and yet my body has changed constantly throughout my life at every single significant hormonal moment because I think that's just part of being a female human! I know I am being judged by the doctor or really anyone who looks at my nearly 4 year old as the world's worst mother because of her body shape, even though she eats less than and is more active than her thin big sister. She has the body she has and I trust it, I trust her. But I'm also heartbroken that the world around her is going to always judge her, especially if she enjoys food, which I hope with all my heart she always will.
This is so good and I just immediately shared it with the "mom group" lol. I was not a fat kid but was also continuously taught at home that my hunger wasn't real. I pray my daughter's generation grows up differently. <3
Whew. I mean...it's hard to know what to write. I grew up in the 80's/90's so the "one minute on your lips, forever on your hips" moment and I lived on Snackwells and Slim Fast. I've got 3 kids now and can't imagine asking a wait person to half my kid's food at a restaurant, it seems so obviously damaging to me. But my mom really did me in with her religious narrative that I've only really been unpacking at the age of almost 40. I think in my early 20's I wouldn't have been able to see or articulate the damage that was done in my childhood. I'm wondering if the daughter will begin to go deeper into the affects of her childhood more and more as she ages?
I don't know, the original piece, the follow up with the daughter- it all feels painful.
My life- NY “social xray” mom. Everyone on my dad’s side is fat and avoiding that fate became my mom’s life’s mission (a failure - genetics and bone structure uber all). Among her last words to me from her deathbed were something about weight loss. And yet, “I come from a normal family.” And she meant more than well. She meant only the best. And it’s the worst trauma of my life, and even if I started therapy decades before I did, I don’t think I would ever fully heal. Thank you for this wonderful article, and as for the kids, good god, let them eat cake!
"By pushing weight loss as a solution to body unhappiness, they reinforce that the world is right." So good.
It matters so much how fat kids are treated at home. I was a fat kid and never once did my parents comment on my weight or eating habits except to offer me love when I complained to them that I felt upset certain clothes didn't fit or look the way I wanted them to look on me. I am fully committed to doing the same for my kids--one in a larger body and one in the very middle of the growth charts. Our kids have enough challenges in this world and fighting their bodies should not be one of them.
I know this is only a small piece of the complicated stories, but my son's pediatrician wanted him to go to the "wellness clinic" because he has been gaining a lot of weight. As a parent trying to do my best with a kid who has a lot of challenges, it can feel hard going against a doctor's suggestion. I so appreciate all of your work and how it has helped me to begin unlearning fat phobia and it feels scary because culture and health professionals don't help me feel confident in this decision.
Oooof, this is a wonderful piece, Virginia. As a former fat kid and current fat adult, I think you absolutely captured that tension. "They don’t get to exist in their bodies; they learn, instead, to think about their bodies in terms of how they look to other people, in terms of the emotions they elicit in adults when they are viewed at doctor’s appointments, or in family photos." I could write an essay about how many family photos had to be retaken because I looked "too fat" in them. Oy vey.
While reading this piece at first I was angry, then horrified, but now I am just so, so sad.
I feel like I need to set a reminder for another 10 years to check what Betty Kubovy-Weiss is saying at that point.
This was beautifully written and I will keep it forever. As a parent to a young daughter, as a woman in a body.
Thank you Virginia. NYT still can't let go of the fatphobia-though they finally retired the ole' fat scold Jane Brody.
Sam sounds like he's never had an "out" fat friend. And he must be exhausted. If he only knew there was a community of people, and a ready pool of different rhetoric he could cannonball into (with applause.)
Thank you for the response to that NYT article. I was horrified by that one (and many of the other problematic articles that came with it) and I thought, Virginia better do a take down!
I'm about to write my own book chapter on diets/diet culture today and I needed to read this to get me motivated. Thank you! Some days it can feel like such an uphill battle as I try to sort through any of my own diet culture baggage and keep pushing for a more informed public/medical establishment/moms/students/kids...
Wow... I think I have a lot to process, and journal about, connected to this. I'll be real, as a bigger person it often feels like just existing is hard lately, and reading about Betty and Sam hits hard for me in so many ways. Not the least of which being Sam's mother's "fat-shaming father"... I feel like that's my dad. That's the dad I've had all my life, the dad who irreparably impacted my body image growing up, and the dad I have even now. It's a lot of pain. I'm not really sure I have any answers. I don't know. Maybe I lack the capacity to process too much of my thoughts right now, but this was an exceptionally valuable read and as always, spot-on.
I devoured this piece and have been re-reading it again. As someone who was a fat child/thin teenager/bigger bodied middle aged woman and who now has a bigger bodied child too, this piece really resonated with me. Because I experienced being fat as a child with a stick thin brother (still stick thin) and having puberty change my entire body like some magical shape shifter, I want to trust my daughter's body will do whatever it needs to do to help her grow and be alive in. I have always had a really positive, really great relationship with food and that's why it's my work now too and yet my body has changed constantly throughout my life at every single significant hormonal moment because I think that's just part of being a female human! I know I am being judged by the doctor or really anyone who looks at my nearly 4 year old as the world's worst mother because of her body shape, even though she eats less than and is more active than her thin big sister. She has the body she has and I trust it, I trust her. But I'm also heartbroken that the world around her is going to always judge her, especially if she enjoys food, which I hope with all my heart she always will.
Great article, Virginia. We need so much more solidarity with and understanding of moms as well as kids.
This is so good and I just immediately shared it with the "mom group" lol. I was not a fat kid but was also continuously taught at home that my hunger wasn't real. I pray my daughter's generation grows up differently. <3
Whew. I mean...it's hard to know what to write. I grew up in the 80's/90's so the "one minute on your lips, forever on your hips" moment and I lived on Snackwells and Slim Fast. I've got 3 kids now and can't imagine asking a wait person to half my kid's food at a restaurant, it seems so obviously damaging to me. But my mom really did me in with her religious narrative that I've only really been unpacking at the age of almost 40. I think in my early 20's I wouldn't have been able to see or articulate the damage that was done in my childhood. I'm wondering if the daughter will begin to go deeper into the affects of her childhood more and more as she ages?
I don't know, the original piece, the follow up with the daughter- it all feels painful.