Here are my thoughts on the single mom discussion. For context, I’m a single mom and have been my kids’ whole lives. I adopted them on my own so I am their only parent. I appreciate the nuance you were trying to bring to the term. Here’s the issue that I have - if I’m being accurate, I’m a single only parent to my children. So I could just say I’m an only parent. Virginia and Amy are single divorced moms, so they could refer to themselves as divorced moms. But we all say single moms. I think we need more accurate terms to show all of the different versions of parenting. US society wasn’t created to support people who parent w/o partners so expanding our definitions and terminology might be helpful.
In my version of single parenthood there are no “off weeks” w/o kids. There’s more to it of course because while it is me 100% of the time - emotionally, physically, financially, etc. - I also don’t have the challenges nor rewards of co-parenting. The different experiences and expectations are lost if we all use the same term.
I totally hear this and appreciate it! I can see using Divorced Mom vs Single Mom... I have a teensy reticence to that because it continues to define me by my marriage even though I'm no longer in it? But that's more philosophical than anything and I agree, it better conveys the dynamics I'm parenting in.
I remember being in preschool and there was some art project about dads or something. I explained to the teacher that I didn't have a dad. She snapped back "EVERYONE has a dad" and I felt like total shit. I'm 37 and I still remember it so clearly. So no, it's not the same. The experience of the kids and the parent is very different when there is no one else.
As also an “only parent” this is where I’m at, too. Like use what you want but also, y’all feeling like solo parent doesn’t work cause it applies to your married friends is the same way I feel when divorced people who get breaks use single parent. 🤷♀️ I’m not mad but it’s not the same situation as an only parent.
We have the Ninja version of this and use it almost every day! Although I will say that I find the air fry function is the weakest aspect of it. The Breville is supposed to be better, I think. But I love the Ninja both as a toaster oven and a small oven for baking brownies, roasting vegetables, etc.
Yes, ours fits a frozen pizza, which I appreciate so much.
I have never had a different air fryer, so I don't really have a standard for them, but I use the air fryer setting to heat up frozen French fries and a few other random things, and it seems fine so far...
This conversation reminded me of one evening years ago when I lived alone. I had some leftover stir-fry at home and I wanted rice with it, but I really didn’t feel like cooking rice. And then somehow I was inspired to stop on my way home at the Chinese restaurant where I sometimes ate lunch and buy a take-out container of rice, which at the time cost like 69¢. It was such a revelation that I could just *do* that! The food world is full of little fixes like that, when we let ourselves imagine them. And it’s funny how having fewer people to feed makes those fixes more imaginable; I have definitely noticed the same thing.
I love this episode so much! As someone who has been divorced - and found liberation in the “less cooking” aspect of being a single mom, and then also someone who partnered again and felt again the old pressures of two-adult cooking, this resonates and reminds me of why I feel so much angst cooking or even dining with two adults. Recently single again and (this time around) REALLY leaning into my freedom from meal expectations. I’m so glad to be in a community of people who have flexible and nuanced thoughts about dinner 💜
Amy, thank you so much for talking about your appetite and divorce. I am finalizing my divorce and experienced the same thing... I've leaned heavily on protein shakes, etc. just to get something in. Mine is improving as we're almost through the process, but also still happens off and on. Definitely going to try that deconstructed chicken parm ;)
Heck yes Wegmans lemon garlic chicken!!!!! It is so, so good. I love it.
There are definitely nights (like grocery shopping nights) where dinner is the lemon garlic chicken, potato gratins, whatever vegetable looks good from the prepared meals section, and a baguette with butter. Everyone in my house eats at least something from that and it takes about five minutes to get on the table.
Making myself chicken tenders to go with my salad as I type.
It’s interesting Amy likes more flavorful things when not interested in food. I find when I’m not hungry I almost want something more bland or simple, like rice or a bean burrito. Nothing too crazy.
I found it really hard to cook for myself when I lived alone in my 20s. I liked to cook but not really just for myself.
Let me preface this comment by saying I absolutely do not mean this as a comparison for “who has it harder”, etc. Life is hard for just about everyone in different ways!
You two, as divorced moms, are absolutely single moms. In a different way from widows, those whose exes are completely out of the picture and not co-parenting, etc. But still single moms.
As someone whose husband travels a lot for work, I refer to myself as a solo parent during those times. I solo parent about half of every month. It’s hard! But different from being a single mom.
All that being said, I do have to say that i have moments of jealousy for the time you divorced, single, co-parenting moms get alone without your kids. Again, not a comparison. Just a bit of wistful longing for some of that regular time without the kids 😆
One of the things I was most scared of when getting a divorce was being away from my kids, but now I do wish ALL moms had some space to just be themselves without constant demands!
I am an air fryer convert. We had a small one from instant pot and it was a bitch to clean. This one goes on sale for $100 every once in awhile, the trays go in the dishwasher. You can air fry enough food for 3. It takes up too much space but gets more use than the soda stream, the mixer, the blender, the rice cooker, the food processor, and the microwave, combined. So it gets the counter space (as does the kettle and the toaster).
Remember that the air fryer is also the best way to rescue leftovers!
I'm a fully single mother and I have to say I am a little bit sad that you both seem annoyed to not be able to fully use this term. Of course I fully understand divorced mums who are also single want to use a word to describe their situation. But to me, our situations are very different. Even when you are alone with your kids during your week, you know there is a co-parent. If you have to go to the hospital, if you die, if there is an emergency, and so on. If there is something to pay for the kids. If you get sick and can't go to work or can't care for them, there is a co-parent. We know we don't. Trust me, even if our situations look similar, they don't feel similar. I know some co-parents are shit and cannot be trusted. But this is not about parenting being a competition, it's just that our situations are different. I am annoyed when thin people call themselves fat because they feel insecure, and reading this post felt a bit similar to me.
Thank you for sharing that. I hope what we conveyed is that we're aware of the nuances of the term but there actually aren't enough options that feel right.
I'm a single mom by choice and I've had folks tell me what I "should" call myself as a parent -- to which I rolled my eyes and put them on a mental list of "people who are way too judgmental to be my friends." Divorced people are absolutely single parents! Yes, it's different than full time single parenting, but there's too much nuance and complexity in modern families to fixate on One True Parenting Vocabulary.
I've hosted au pairs the last few years and a lot of what you said about meals being simpler with one less adult around resonated with me (they typically eat with us during the week and do their own thing on the weekends). Trying to figure out what each au pair likes and serve something we'll all eat takes a lot of time and energy! If it's just me and the kid I worry much less about whether the foods on our plate "go together." He's happy with something like mini corn dogs, cucumber slices and an applesauce pouch, and it takes very little effort for me.
In another substack I read, someone recently mentioned it being wrong for partnered parents to use “solo parenting.” Like you, I always kind of thought that phrase was for exactly that kind of situation – partnered in general, solo for now – and it does seem a bit like, there are so many nuances to all these situations that we all owe each other a bit of grace. My spouse travels a lot for work – not as much as if he were, say, in the military, but for up to half of each month, though it varies with the industry’s annual schedule. I do think it’s a specific situation that benefits from having a phrase to describe it, because it comes with both advantages and disadvantages that can be kind of specific to the “sometimes together, sometimes solo” dynamic. I have a routine that totally works when my spouse is away, and it’s very different from the routines that work when he’s home, and the rapid switching between those two can be hard to manage. I have less weekend or evening “free” time than most other mothers I am friends with. I have to choose my kids’ activities on the assumption that I will be the only parent getting them there, because for some unknown but significant percentage of the time, I will be. I rely far more heavily on external childcare than my other partnered friends. Etc. BUT I also have two salaries supporting one household, he runs all travel dates past me so if they conflict with something important to me or to the family he will alter the dates a bit and in that way, I can make sure we’ll have two parents present at those things, etc.
Sometimes I have a kind of assholey reaction to, say, my sister handling a single bedtime alone (extremely rare in her household) and calling it “solo parenting,” but I check that knee-jerk frustration and remind myself that the gatekeeping and policing of this phrase is not a thing I want to spend energy on. What she’s ultimately telling me is: this is a specific type of situation for her. And I feel kind of the same about “single parenting” as a phrase. It’s a situation with disadvantages and advantages, which are not uniform but are broadly understood and acknowledged anyway. But I also understand people feeling like their situation is being "appropriated" by someone who they do not feel is in a similar situation. It's hard. The nuance of any situation is all in the details of what it is - is someone widowed, with real emotional trauma to the children relating to the loss of a parent, but with life insurance money to help support the actual cost of living? is someone a single co-parent with a high-conflict ex-spouse? - there are a million iterations of what parenting looks like, and yet we all want to sometimes have a shorthand way to describe our life without reciting our biography first. I like the idea of just starting with the assumption that parenthood is both hard and wonderful for just about everybody, and that the details of how will be clear if it is necessary or desirable for them to. But idk. I am coming from a lot of parenting privilege, myself, in saying that, and I mean no offense to anybody by it.
I commented without reading the other comments, and I’m in a very similar boat to you - my husband also travels about half of every month. I’m curious (if you’re ok sharing) what your husband does - mine’s an airline pilot. And yeah, the switching back and forth is really hard sometimes! I don’t have a job outside the home right now, and don’t have any external help with childcare, so it’s a LOT sometimes just 100% responsible for the kids so much of the time. And I also have a really visceral reaction when one of my friends says something about having to do bedtime alone every once in a while, or “how will I survive” on the rare occasion when her husband is out of town for a few days 😆
I say: Skip the air fryer. It sounds like a ... guilting-yourself purchase. It's fine that you're not into cooking these days and you don't have to try to change that.
Thanks for having me on again!
Here are my thoughts on the single mom discussion. For context, I’m a single mom and have been my kids’ whole lives. I adopted them on my own so I am their only parent. I appreciate the nuance you were trying to bring to the term. Here’s the issue that I have - if I’m being accurate, I’m a single only parent to my children. So I could just say I’m an only parent. Virginia and Amy are single divorced moms, so they could refer to themselves as divorced moms. But we all say single moms. I think we need more accurate terms to show all of the different versions of parenting. US society wasn’t created to support people who parent w/o partners so expanding our definitions and terminology might be helpful.
In my version of single parenthood there are no “off weeks” w/o kids. There’s more to it of course because while it is me 100% of the time - emotionally, physically, financially, etc. - I also don’t have the challenges nor rewards of co-parenting. The different experiences and expectations are lost if we all use the same term.
I totally hear this and appreciate it! I can see using Divorced Mom vs Single Mom... I have a teensy reticence to that because it continues to define me by my marriage even though I'm no longer in it? But that's more philosophical than anything and I agree, it better conveys the dynamics I'm parenting in.
I remember being in preschool and there was some art project about dads or something. I explained to the teacher that I didn't have a dad. She snapped back "EVERYONE has a dad" and I felt like total shit. I'm 37 and I still remember it so clearly. So no, it's not the same. The experience of the kids and the parent is very different when there is no one else.
I'm so sorry that happened to you!!
As also an “only parent” this is where I’m at, too. Like use what you want but also, y’all feeling like solo parent doesn’t work cause it applies to your married friends is the same way I feel when divorced people who get breaks use single parent. 🤷♀️ I’m not mad but it’s not the same situation as an only parent.
I got a breville combo air fryer/ toaster so it doesn’t take up more space
We have the Ninja version of this and use it almost every day! Although I will say that I find the air fry function is the weakest aspect of it. The Breville is supposed to be better, I think. But I love the Ninja both as a toaster oven and a small oven for baking brownies, roasting vegetables, etc.
Yes, ours fits a frozen pizza, which I appreciate so much.
I have never had a different air fryer, so I don't really have a standard for them, but I use the air fryer setting to heat up frozen French fries and a few other random things, and it seems fine so far...
The cover photo picture of you two is so sweet 🩷
It's actually an old pic but I love it so much!
Nothing like the joy of being in person with your best friend!
This conversation reminded me of one evening years ago when I lived alone. I had some leftover stir-fry at home and I wanted rice with it, but I really didn’t feel like cooking rice. And then somehow I was inspired to stop on my way home at the Chinese restaurant where I sometimes ate lunch and buy a take-out container of rice, which at the time cost like 69¢. It was such a revelation that I could just *do* that! The food world is full of little fixes like that, when we let ourselves imagine them. And it’s funny how having fewer people to feed makes those fixes more imaginable; I have definitely noticed the same thing.
69 cent rice is a genius fix! Also hi, fellow Virginia!
Hi back! We Virginias are a rare breed!
I love this episode so much! As someone who has been divorced - and found liberation in the “less cooking” aspect of being a single mom, and then also someone who partnered again and felt again the old pressures of two-adult cooking, this resonates and reminds me of why I feel so much angst cooking or even dining with two adults. Recently single again and (this time around) REALLY leaning into my freedom from meal expectations. I’m so glad to be in a community of people who have flexible and nuanced thoughts about dinner 💜
Amy, thank you so much for talking about your appetite and divorce. I am finalizing my divorce and experienced the same thing... I've leaned heavily on protein shakes, etc. just to get something in. Mine is improving as we're almost through the process, but also still happens off and on. Definitely going to try that deconstructed chicken parm ;)
Hang in there and I hope it improves with time!!
So completely here for this. Now I want a wegmans and an air fryer though.
Heck yes Wegmans lemon garlic chicken!!!!! It is so, so good. I love it.
There are definitely nights (like grocery shopping nights) where dinner is the lemon garlic chicken, potato gratins, whatever vegetable looks good from the prepared meals section, and a baguette with butter. Everyone in my house eats at least something from that and it takes about five minutes to get on the table.
God, I wish the Hudson Valley had a Wegman's!!
I keep hearing about this mythical Wegman's, and I guess now I know how people feel who don't live near a Trader Joe's.
It really is!
Making myself chicken tenders to go with my salad as I type.
It’s interesting Amy likes more flavorful things when not interested in food. I find when I’m not hungry I almost want something more bland or simple, like rice or a bean burrito. Nothing too crazy.
I found it really hard to cook for myself when I lived alone in my 20s. I liked to cook but not really just for myself.
I find it interesting too and not what I expected!
Let me preface this comment by saying I absolutely do not mean this as a comparison for “who has it harder”, etc. Life is hard for just about everyone in different ways!
You two, as divorced moms, are absolutely single moms. In a different way from widows, those whose exes are completely out of the picture and not co-parenting, etc. But still single moms.
As someone whose husband travels a lot for work, I refer to myself as a solo parent during those times. I solo parent about half of every month. It’s hard! But different from being a single mom.
All that being said, I do have to say that i have moments of jealousy for the time you divorced, single, co-parenting moms get alone without your kids. Again, not a comparison. Just a bit of wistful longing for some of that regular time without the kids 😆
One of the things I was most scared of when getting a divorce was being away from my kids, but now I do wish ALL moms had some space to just be themselves without constant demands!
I am an air fryer convert. We had a small one from instant pot and it was a bitch to clean. This one goes on sale for $100 every once in awhile, the trays go in the dishwasher. You can air fry enough food for 3. It takes up too much space but gets more use than the soda stream, the mixer, the blender, the rice cooker, the food processor, and the microwave, combined. So it gets the counter space (as does the kettle and the toaster).
Remember that the air fryer is also the best way to rescue leftovers!
https://www.target.com/p/cuisinart-air-fryer-toaster-oven-stainless-steel-ctoa-122/-/A-88956563
I'm a fully single mother and I have to say I am a little bit sad that you both seem annoyed to not be able to fully use this term. Of course I fully understand divorced mums who are also single want to use a word to describe their situation. But to me, our situations are very different. Even when you are alone with your kids during your week, you know there is a co-parent. If you have to go to the hospital, if you die, if there is an emergency, and so on. If there is something to pay for the kids. If you get sick and can't go to work or can't care for them, there is a co-parent. We know we don't. Trust me, even if our situations look similar, they don't feel similar. I know some co-parents are shit and cannot be trusted. But this is not about parenting being a competition, it's just that our situations are different. I am annoyed when thin people call themselves fat because they feel insecure, and reading this post felt a bit similar to me.
Thank you for sharing that. I hope what we conveyed is that we're aware of the nuances of the term but there actually aren't enough options that feel right.
Maye you're a single co-parent and I am a single parent ?
I'm a single mom by choice and I've had folks tell me what I "should" call myself as a parent -- to which I rolled my eyes and put them on a mental list of "people who are way too judgmental to be my friends." Divorced people are absolutely single parents! Yes, it's different than full time single parenting, but there's too much nuance and complexity in modern families to fixate on One True Parenting Vocabulary.
I've hosted au pairs the last few years and a lot of what you said about meals being simpler with one less adult around resonated with me (they typically eat with us during the week and do their own thing on the weekends). Trying to figure out what each au pair likes and serve something we'll all eat takes a lot of time and energy! If it's just me and the kid I worry much less about whether the foods on our plate "go together." He's happy with something like mini corn dogs, cucumber slices and an applesauce pouch, and it takes very little effort for me.
In another substack I read, someone recently mentioned it being wrong for partnered parents to use “solo parenting.” Like you, I always kind of thought that phrase was for exactly that kind of situation – partnered in general, solo for now – and it does seem a bit like, there are so many nuances to all these situations that we all owe each other a bit of grace. My spouse travels a lot for work – not as much as if he were, say, in the military, but for up to half of each month, though it varies with the industry’s annual schedule. I do think it’s a specific situation that benefits from having a phrase to describe it, because it comes with both advantages and disadvantages that can be kind of specific to the “sometimes together, sometimes solo” dynamic. I have a routine that totally works when my spouse is away, and it’s very different from the routines that work when he’s home, and the rapid switching between those two can be hard to manage. I have less weekend or evening “free” time than most other mothers I am friends with. I have to choose my kids’ activities on the assumption that I will be the only parent getting them there, because for some unknown but significant percentage of the time, I will be. I rely far more heavily on external childcare than my other partnered friends. Etc. BUT I also have two salaries supporting one household, he runs all travel dates past me so if they conflict with something important to me or to the family he will alter the dates a bit and in that way, I can make sure we’ll have two parents present at those things, etc.
Sometimes I have a kind of assholey reaction to, say, my sister handling a single bedtime alone (extremely rare in her household) and calling it “solo parenting,” but I check that knee-jerk frustration and remind myself that the gatekeeping and policing of this phrase is not a thing I want to spend energy on. What she’s ultimately telling me is: this is a specific type of situation for her. And I feel kind of the same about “single parenting” as a phrase. It’s a situation with disadvantages and advantages, which are not uniform but are broadly understood and acknowledged anyway. But I also understand people feeling like their situation is being "appropriated" by someone who they do not feel is in a similar situation. It's hard. The nuance of any situation is all in the details of what it is - is someone widowed, with real emotional trauma to the children relating to the loss of a parent, but with life insurance money to help support the actual cost of living? is someone a single co-parent with a high-conflict ex-spouse? - there are a million iterations of what parenting looks like, and yet we all want to sometimes have a shorthand way to describe our life without reciting our biography first. I like the idea of just starting with the assumption that parenthood is both hard and wonderful for just about everybody, and that the details of how will be clear if it is necessary or desirable for them to. But idk. I am coming from a lot of parenting privilege, myself, in saying that, and I mean no offense to anybody by it.
I commented without reading the other comments, and I’m in a very similar boat to you - my husband also travels about half of every month. I’m curious (if you’re ok sharing) what your husband does - mine’s an airline pilot. And yeah, the switching back and forth is really hard sometimes! I don’t have a job outside the home right now, and don’t have any external help with childcare, so it’s a LOT sometimes just 100% responsible for the kids so much of the time. And I also have a really visceral reaction when one of my friends says something about having to do bedtime alone every once in a while, or “how will I survive” on the rare occasion when her husband is out of town for a few days 😆
I say: Skip the air fryer. It sounds like a ... guilting-yourself purchase. It's fine that you're not into cooking these days and you don't have to try to change that.
OOH. Thank you. That is useful to hear!
I bought one and when it got to my house I returned before even opening it for that reason! I loathe cooking and it's another cooking thing.