Aug 24, 2022·edited Aug 24, 2022Liked by Virginia Sole-Smith
Hello,
I am new to this group and am grateful for the opportunity to learn more. My 7 year old daughter is fat (even writing that feels like a betrayal so I definitely have some work to do on my mindset) and her younger sister, my husband and I are all thin. She has started to notice her compared to her friends which I was prepared for, but she’s started to comment on how thin I am compared to her. She’s also started “working out” and pointing out how she thinks she’s “lost weight” after working out.
I don’t talk about weight and don’t diet. My husband has discussed his weight because he was recently diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and so had to change his diet. I am trying to not make a big deal or have a big reaction to these comments but am concerned I’m doing more harm than good. How do I reinforce body positivity when my daughter is comparing herself to the rest of the family? Being comfortable in my skin won’t help her here unfortunately.
This is such a great question and you're right -- you being comfortable in your thin body won't help your daughter if she has learned that thin bodies are better than fat ones. And I agree that you don't want to overreact to her comments, but saying nothing is also a reaction - and she can easily misinterpret your silence. The solution here is to lean into and celebrate her fatness and all fat bodies -- and yes, I know, that goes against all of our conditioning! But what she needs to hear from you is: "Yes, I'm thinner/your sister is thinner/etc but your body is perfect. You are growing exactly the way you need to be growing. We don't ever want you to shrink yourself or lose weight. Bodies come in all shapes and sizes and all of them are good and valuable."
Virginia, this is so helpful, but I was left with a similar question as Amy. This came up just last week, when I was watching my daughter's soccer practice with my 6-year-old son. He said, "Who is the fat girl in the green shirt?" His description was accurate and a reasonable way to differentiate the girl from the people around her, and from what you're describing in this newsletter, it sounds like it was appropriate. (And I did follow my answer to his question with a comment about how she was handling the ball really well.) But I would be embarrassed if the girl (or her parents) heard him describe her as a "fat girl," because I don't know how comfortable they are with this descriptor. How would you respond?
Yes! This is so common. See above in my response to Amy and let me know if that helps. I think of it as somewhat similar to swearing -- my kids know that we're fine with swearing at our house, but it's not okay to swear at their grandmother's house. But I don't think they think swears are "bad" or that they are bad for saying them? So I love how you handled this with your son assuming the girl/her parents were not around, but it might be worth clarifying with him the power of this word so he can start to understand appropriate contexts for it.
Yes, thanks for this question and answer! My 5-year old made a loud comment about a "big fat man" at the park recently and I had similar feelings about it. I told him it's okay to be fat but some people don't like to use that word. Kids, man!
Hello and question for you! If we start using fat as a descriptor but then our kid says fat to someone else who views it as hurtful, what then? It seems like it's still incredibly tricky if not everyone we ever speak to is on board with this approach...I understand all of the reasons to still do it and explain the nuances of other people's relationship to the word to our kids, but when they are out in the world without us, it just seems...difficult.
Such a good question and something I should have addressed in the essay, thank you! Yes, I think it's important to let our kids know that even though fat is not a bad word, some people find it hurtful. With little kids, I would probably simplify this by having a general policy of "we don't talk about other people's bodies without their permission and we ask first which words they like to use." (Which is good etiquette in general and also helps with kids not making assumptions about race, gender, etc.) With an elementary school kid, I would have the more nuanced conversation. If you're already talking about what fatphobia is and how it causes harm, they won't be shocked to hear that the word "fat" has (and still is) used to hurt people. I think you can then pair this with the policy of "don't label other people's bodies for them," which again, is a good general rule. You may still have the situation of your child using fat in the benign sense and someone else calling that out as offensive—but then, this could be a great opportunity for your kid to say to another kid, "there's nothing wrong with fat!" And that's how we plant more of these seeds...
Thank you, that helps. I have noticing how I feel when my kids use the word "fat" (lately, about a certain stuffed unicorn) and that they aren't using it in a negative way—sometimes they can totally take the lead on this too. Just want to make sure we're not offending a random other person without meaning to!
Hello,
I am new to this group and am grateful for the opportunity to learn more. My 7 year old daughter is fat (even writing that feels like a betrayal so I definitely have some work to do on my mindset) and her younger sister, my husband and I are all thin. She has started to notice her compared to her friends which I was prepared for, but she’s started to comment on how thin I am compared to her. She’s also started “working out” and pointing out how she thinks she’s “lost weight” after working out.
I don’t talk about weight and don’t diet. My husband has discussed his weight because he was recently diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and so had to change his diet. I am trying to not make a big deal or have a big reaction to these comments but am concerned I’m doing more harm than good. How do I reinforce body positivity when my daughter is comparing herself to the rest of the family? Being comfortable in my skin won’t help her here unfortunately.
This is such a great question and you're right -- you being comfortable in your thin body won't help your daughter if she has learned that thin bodies are better than fat ones. And I agree that you don't want to overreact to her comments, but saying nothing is also a reaction - and she can easily misinterpret your silence. The solution here is to lean into and celebrate her fatness and all fat bodies -- and yes, I know, that goes against all of our conditioning! But what she needs to hear from you is: "Yes, I'm thinner/your sister is thinner/etc but your body is perfect. You are growing exactly the way you need to be growing. We don't ever want you to shrink yourself or lose weight. Bodies come in all shapes and sizes and all of them are good and valuable."
Virginia, this is so helpful, but I was left with a similar question as Amy. This came up just last week, when I was watching my daughter's soccer practice with my 6-year-old son. He said, "Who is the fat girl in the green shirt?" His description was accurate and a reasonable way to differentiate the girl from the people around her, and from what you're describing in this newsletter, it sounds like it was appropriate. (And I did follow my answer to his question with a comment about how she was handling the ball really well.) But I would be embarrassed if the girl (or her parents) heard him describe her as a "fat girl," because I don't know how comfortable they are with this descriptor. How would you respond?
Yes! This is so common. See above in my response to Amy and let me know if that helps. I think of it as somewhat similar to swearing -- my kids know that we're fine with swearing at our house, but it's not okay to swear at their grandmother's house. But I don't think they think swears are "bad" or that they are bad for saying them? So I love how you handled this with your son assuming the girl/her parents were not around, but it might be worth clarifying with him the power of this word so he can start to understand appropriate contexts for it.
Yes, thanks for this question and answer! My 5-year old made a loud comment about a "big fat man" at the park recently and I had similar feelings about it. I told him it's okay to be fat but some people don't like to use that word. Kids, man!
Ahaha absolutely!
Hello and question for you! If we start using fat as a descriptor but then our kid says fat to someone else who views it as hurtful, what then? It seems like it's still incredibly tricky if not everyone we ever speak to is on board with this approach...I understand all of the reasons to still do it and explain the nuances of other people's relationship to the word to our kids, but when they are out in the world without us, it just seems...difficult.
Such a good question and something I should have addressed in the essay, thank you! Yes, I think it's important to let our kids know that even though fat is not a bad word, some people find it hurtful. With little kids, I would probably simplify this by having a general policy of "we don't talk about other people's bodies without their permission and we ask first which words they like to use." (Which is good etiquette in general and also helps with kids not making assumptions about race, gender, etc.) With an elementary school kid, I would have the more nuanced conversation. If you're already talking about what fatphobia is and how it causes harm, they won't be shocked to hear that the word "fat" has (and still is) used to hurt people. I think you can then pair this with the policy of "don't label other people's bodies for them," which again, is a good general rule. You may still have the situation of your child using fat in the benign sense and someone else calling that out as offensive—but then, this could be a great opportunity for your kid to say to another kid, "there's nothing wrong with fat!" And that's how we plant more of these seeds...
Thank you, that helps. I have noticing how I feel when my kids use the word "fat" (lately, about a certain stuffed unicorn) and that they aren't using it in a negative way—sometimes they can totally take the lead on this too. Just want to make sure we're not offending a random other person without meaning to!