My mother grew out her dyed hair during covid and she has mentioned how much more she gets the condescending "sweetie" stuff from cashiers etc now. (And her silver hair looks great! When she started dying her hair, it was very salt and pepper at the time and she said "This in-between is just making me look washed out, and my choice is to…
My mother grew out her dyed hair during covid and she has mentioned how much more she gets the condescending "sweetie" stuff from cashiers etc now. (And her silver hair looks great! When she started dying her hair, it was very salt and pepper at the time and she said "This in-between is just making me look washed out, and my choice is to dye my hair or wear makeup to bring more color into my face, and I'm not wearing makeup." And she was absolutely right that once her hair was all the way silver, she's not washed out at all.) But she is of course the worst offender on body issues in my life -- in fact right before I read this I was having a conversation with my husband where we planned meals for her visit this weekend, and it was like "we're eating brunch in a restaurant on Saturday, so she's going to be complaining that everything was so rich and she ate a piece of potato and so on, so what can we have for dinner that will be good and be enough for us but not bring on another round of complaining about how 'evil' she's being to eat it?"
Laura, my mom's the same on both counts. She was super open with everyone about her age when she turned 60 and I asked her about it - revealing my own anti-aging bias, I guess, and assuming that most women wouldn't want to admit to being 60. She said, "When I tell people I'm 60, the unstated thing they also hear is '... and I don't care what you think anymore.'" That confidence is awesome!
But at the same time, I am 100% going to give Fat Talk to my mom after I've read it. I'm secure in asking my mom (and my MIL, also a woman in her late 60s now) to really transform the way they talk about food and bodies to/in front of my kids, but I've been so scared to talk to Mom about the damage she did to me by talking (and living!) that way. Virginia and Deb pointed out the “But I was just trying to do a good thing here" defense, which is absolutely what my mom would say. And I recognize that she was harmed by diet culture just as much as I was despite the role she played in my harming!
There is no getting through to my mom on diet/weight. I remember years ago I said you know, I think sometimes our bodies just gain weight and it's a natural thing, and she shot back "It's natural to get pregnant when you have sex, but that's why we have birth control."
I know I'm not going to be able to untangle all her issues around food, so I stick with gently saying things like "can we not call foods 'evil'" and, when she complains that she never gets anything done and she can't focus on a task, observing that what she's describing sounds like how I feel when I'm hungry and asking if maybe she's hungry.
To add, she wants to eat the restaurant brunch, she specifically requested that restaurant. She will eat a meal and enjoy it, but then moan about the consequences she perceives, because normally all she would have for lunch is cereal.
My mother grew out her dyed hair during covid and she has mentioned how much more she gets the condescending "sweetie" stuff from cashiers etc now. (And her silver hair looks great! When she started dying her hair, it was very salt and pepper at the time and she said "This in-between is just making me look washed out, and my choice is to dye my hair or wear makeup to bring more color into my face, and I'm not wearing makeup." And she was absolutely right that once her hair was all the way silver, she's not washed out at all.) But she is of course the worst offender on body issues in my life -- in fact right before I read this I was having a conversation with my husband where we planned meals for her visit this weekend, and it was like "we're eating brunch in a restaurant on Saturday, so she's going to be complaining that everything was so rich and she ate a piece of potato and so on, so what can we have for dinner that will be good and be enough for us but not bring on another round of complaining about how 'evil' she's being to eat it?"
Laura, my mom's the same on both counts. She was super open with everyone about her age when she turned 60 and I asked her about it - revealing my own anti-aging bias, I guess, and assuming that most women wouldn't want to admit to being 60. She said, "When I tell people I'm 60, the unstated thing they also hear is '... and I don't care what you think anymore.'" That confidence is awesome!
But at the same time, I am 100% going to give Fat Talk to my mom after I've read it. I'm secure in asking my mom (and my MIL, also a woman in her late 60s now) to really transform the way they talk about food and bodies to/in front of my kids, but I've been so scared to talk to Mom about the damage she did to me by talking (and living!) that way. Virginia and Deb pointed out the “But I was just trying to do a good thing here" defense, which is absolutely what my mom would say. And I recognize that she was harmed by diet culture just as much as I was despite the role she played in my harming!
Oof, this intersection is hard.
There is no getting through to my mom on diet/weight. I remember years ago I said you know, I think sometimes our bodies just gain weight and it's a natural thing, and she shot back "It's natural to get pregnant when you have sex, but that's why we have birth control."
I know I'm not going to be able to untangle all her issues around food, so I stick with gently saying things like "can we not call foods 'evil'" and, when she complains that she never gets anything done and she can't focus on a task, observing that what she's describing sounds like how I feel when I'm hungry and asking if maybe she's hungry.
To add, she wants to eat the restaurant brunch, she specifically requested that restaurant. She will eat a meal and enjoy it, but then moan about the consequences she perceives, because normally all she would have for lunch is cereal.