I was one of the ones who sent this to you and my immediate, and continued, reaction is that it is grossly unfair to add this to the list of things mothers on their own are responsible for. And: What about acknowledging how that study had to have been correlation, not actual causation, and there are a whole list of factors that play into a child’s health? Also: Every mom deserves the freedom to exercise in a way that works for them and their body. They should not have to do it out of guilt for their future kids. I also was furious that dads weren’t even in the study this reel cited.
As if moms having time for fitness isn't also correlated with socioeconomic status! The time and ability to take their kids to extracurricular sports, swim lessons, dance, gymnastics ... Come on, man. All of your points here are exactly right. I had a terribly disordered relationship with exercise for a very long time. It wasn't until I had a kid that I finally worked through that because I a) didn't have the headspace or time for compulsive exercise anymore, and b) did not want to model that for my daughter.
I have been working out regularly for 40+ years and I find this a complicated topic because until 5 years ago, I worked out as part of my disordered relationship with my body, which I wanted to be smaller. But when I gave up dieting, I didn't give up working out. I happen to like it -- I think. My trainer has become one of my best friends, so I like "seeing" him (we work out via Zoom) 3 X's a week. I love walking. I like the way I feel after a hard cardio workout on my Peloton. But if I analyze my workouts on a strictly, what-makes-me-healthier scale -- there's no way I need to do as much as I do, I could do much less and still enjoy the benefits (mainly low blood pressure and core strength, important to balance as we age). So what am I conveying to my kid, a very happy couch potato? I have no idea, but I think it's a mixed message because there's no way they're not picking up a whiff of compulsiveness. Then again, frankly, Whiff of Compulsiveness is my signature scent. It's part of what has helped me write so many books, it's part of why I walk, on average, 5 miles a day, it's why I love tidying (oh dear, white supremacy, like dust, gets in everywhere) . . . I think what I 'owe" my kid is being frank about being a work-in-progress, someone who can evolve, admit past biases that were once invisible to me. I do love being strong and my core strength probably helped me when I took a bad fall last summer. But working out is important only insofar as it improves actual health markers and I don't know how to convey that to my kid, so I think I'll just let them hang out on the couch. They'll find their way to what they want.
Love this. The unquestioned presumption that all exercise is good exercise and more is always better is high on my list of critiques for this reel and the way fitness is marketed, especially to moms, full stop.
(I too wear Whiff of Compulsiveness, even though it sometimes gives me a rash...)
Yes to all of this! I'm struggling with this too. I'm giving myself grace around food, but I'm still struggling with the urge to overexercise and to "change" my body.
My "ah-ha" moment was when I was trying to run a virtual 10K during the pandemic (because I couldn't give up running for a pandemic, ugh), and I came down with severe stomach cramps at mile 5. I had to run and hide into the woods (on a busy bike trail) and "do my business." I realized, is this really good for my body? Running until a sh*t myself?
So I've scaled back -- walking 10 minutes instead of running 90 minutes; no longer wearing a Fitbit and tracking my "active" minutes and steps. I am also trying to get curious -- am I working out because it makes me feel better, or because I think I should.
Thanks so much for your honesty, Laura. What you're saying really resonates with me, and makes me think about how important it is to not just set an example (or not set an example) but to honor and respect everyone's choices. You've spent a lot of time examining your reasons for working out, AND you're paying attention to what your kid needs and wants. I think both are important.
OMG THIS! Thank you! I love what you said about "...what I owe my kid is being frank about being a work in progress". For me, whether or not I go for a run can directly correlate with how 'nice' of a mom I am lol And by that I mean I have high anxiety and running is a coping mechanism (for better or worse) that I have developed that helps get that energy out of my body and puts me in a calmer state (usually). It does sound like we probably where the same signature scent. Thank you for your humanness....we ALL need that. :) And for anyone concerned, I am also practicing other coping skills that are less strenuous...so hopefully my own kids glean something positive from me ;).
What this wonderful reel does not take into account is the kind of relationship that the mother has with exercise. Exercise is not always healthy, despite the claim that it is the thing to be encouraged.
Children will copy behaviors, yet the behavior sits on top of a pyramid of complicated individual, relational, societal expectations that women grapple with every day. What is the child actually copying? What thought patterns and beliefs about themselves and the world do the parents encourage under the seemingly positive habit of exercising?
I hope the father is just as supportive and in-tune with the context around his wife's exercising habits (whether positive or negative or neutral). I hope she is doing it because she loves her body and exercise brings her joy.
Fuck all of this video for so many reasons. I particularly love how the only reason to give your partner time to do anything just for themselves is because it’s also still in service to the children. Otherwise we don’t value it? And I would love for maintenance phase to look into the one study they based this on. I’m sure it was a flawless study 🙄
Yeah it's almost there. It's saying, "give your wife time to do things for her own mind and body" but sabotaging the premise because it's only so your kids will be healthy??
I have this secret (very petty) theory that every Fit Dad is an asshole. By which I mean that to have a body like that, it generally takes so much time and money and effort that I just assume someone (probably his wife) is minding the children so he can sculpt himself. In a similar vein, this reel feels like a simulacrum of what it's saying it is. It's performative fitness AND performative parenting at the same time.
It's the fitness version of the Montessori toy subscription. It's not enough to just give your kids a spray bottle and swiffer from the closet, it must be the chicest most optimized one. If you're going to "model movement" for your kids or whatever, you could take them to the park/driveway and shoot hoops! But no, that doesn't share well on social. Instead one must exercise aggressively and document beautifully. This is the bespoke fitness version of modeling, which is really just a marketing ploy.
I agree with all the other comments around how that bad study just feels demoralizing – great, one more way I've already screwed things up. I'm a straight sized person in a complicated relationship with exercise at the moment because I don't have a lot of time and I've realized that I want to do some kind of moment that is fun and isn't directly or indirectly about body modification. And wow is that hard to find. I do want to cultivate family activities that involve movement so that our only bonding activities aren't TV/video games/sedentary. There's probably some amount of internalized diet culture/fatphobia in that drive, but I'm trying to think of it as introducing my kids to a range of things and so they can learn what they like. And being outside is good for everyone, but sometimes it takes practice to learn how to dress for the weather or feel comfortable.
It is not easy to get outside and move!! You're so right. You need appropriate clothing, you need sunscreen and hats in summer, etc. That's the other side of the 1000 hours outside movement, which is a lovely idea in theory but so out of reach for many in practice.
Ohhhh I keep meaning to write a piece about 1000 hours outside. It’s such a seductive idea until I think about actually logging my hours and realize how fast I’d hate it...
Yeah it’s that logging part! I’ve learned logging like anything I do makes every part of me rebel. I’ll go outside but don’t make me keep data about it, gross. I’ll draw a leaf if I feel like it or maayyyyyybe journal but if even those things become compelled I’m out.
I hear the org itself is pretty problematic as well. I cannot remember how just that my immediate reaction was weird vibes and then I later learned they were justified.
I am also lookin ahead at this summer and wanting more family stuff that gets us up and out! Such a complicated dance articulating my goals and reasoning without falling into wellness-speak horror language. I find the active/sedentary axis really problematic, like you mentioned and also limiting. Like I wanna do lots of slow/sedentary stuff outside! I do want to give my body (and family if they choose to tag along) the gift of movement, which we all currently get little of, but whatever it is I’m doing I’d better be allowed to stop and stare at a bug for a full 15 minutes when I want to.
I have many problems with this reel, but mostly it makes me frustrated that it perpetuates the idea that movement has to look a certain way—in this case, disciplined running in a thin and able body. This misconception about movement shaped my unhealthy relationship to exercise for years. I want to model for my children that being outside, gardening, walking somewhere, splashing around in the water, dancing (or whatever they find fun) are just as ”valuable” (that word feels fraught!) as more formal types of exercise. I was always the slowest runner and hated playing sports so experiences like PE made me feel like I was a person who hated exercise. But I loved playing outside and dancing and swimming. And for years I forced myself to run because I didn’t know that exercise could feel joyful—and not look like me in spandex in an gym—and still “count.” I also wish we spent less time modeling discipline for our kids as a form of puritanical self improvement and instead focused that energy on our communities, but that’s a whole other can of worms.
Yes to all of this! Especially the "puritanical self improvement!" What's the opportunity cost? As a busy mom, if I spend 1 hour in the gym, that's 1 hour I can't go volunteer at the library, etc.
I'm reading the new book "Generations" by Dr. Jean Twenge (so good!), and it's fascinating to see how each American generation is getting more individualist -- focusing on our own needs above the community. Not that this is all bad - or all good! But the wellness culture definitely puts the focus on the individual -- if you look a certain way, or if your health isn't where it should be, it's on you.
A small detail you mentioned that I love is movement not having to look like being in spandex in a gym— I just had a tiny epiphany this week that the fabric type I wear doesn’t have to be all workouty in order to go on the long walk I wanted to go on. I had it in my mind as “exercise time” which made it feel like I had to dress accordingly. I don’t like dressing in workout stuff for my day, so this has been a subtle barrier to movement. How nice to wear my loose denim and cotton!
It showed me that this was another false dichotomy of living in a post-industrial capitalist age that I hadn’t noticed living in myself: add “exercise vs. living” to “work vs. leisure” or “learning vs. living.” All of these things happen by way of living my life! It doesn’t have to have a formal designation to happen.
My parents immigrated to the US before I was born. My culture of origin does not give a shit about fitness nearly as much as in the US. I find it really fascinating that I grew up learning that playing an instrument, singing, painting, writing well, and reading literature were of the utmost importance. I married into a very WASPy family from the Northeast where almost everyone is a marathoner/mountain biker/hiker. So for me, the part that I always find so funny is that this is SO culturally specific too. Why doesn't the US glamorize other hobbies? No one would ever say "you better get into woodworking because then your kids might be woodworkers".
This has always fascinated me as well. I have traveled to several countries with no or very little diet culture, and the people there always ask what is the deal with Americans “problem” with food, weight, wellness. ie…spending so much time and energy on this causes deficits in the society in so many ways.
This is so interesting. I am American but I grew up in a house where music, art, reading, and writing were valued and encouraged, but at the same time we were all marinating in ‘80s/‘90s diet culture. It makes me happy that there are places where people can have the first part but not the second part. P.S. Where are these places, so I can move there? Kidding/not kidding!
The fact that dad is narrating makes it feel super, super condescending. I’m having a hard time getting past that. Plus, his conflation of “exercise” with “fitness” and “healthy,” which we all know are *not* synonymous, especially overlaid with the unspoken but very clear assumption that “skinny” is also part of the goal… [expletive].
At the same time, though, I do want my kids to see me moving my body! I want them to enjoy moving their bodies too! And I want my husband to rearrange his schedule (or at least be prepared to do the kid things I usually do) so I can go for an early run in the morning or a Pilates class that falls during school pickup. So if a mom shows a dad this and he picks up on that point, I guess it’s not all bad? Argh.
Any partner supporting another in whatever they need to do to be a whole person is great! I agree that the male voice narration is condescending. It's like when men get congratulated for "babysitting."
Yes, it's like he's bragging about what a good husband he is. "Look at me! I'm letting my wife get out of the house!"
It reminds of that ol' viral Peleton video, when the husband bought the wife a Peleton and it changed her life. With the underlying message that the husband benefits because she's "getting back in shape" or whatever.
Also, didn't he say "make time on your schedule when you're on kid duty for your wife to work out"? but yet the kids are trailing behind her? I'm confused by this mixed messaging! Oh well... I guess he tried.
I had that thought. There’s maybe a microtrend happening rn on on social of women getting their male partners to help make content like this and... is that what it takes to get the dads to step up? Depressing but also maybe.
Ughhh as a runner who loves to run (but promises not to evangelize about it, because I do love it but also, let’s face it, running sucks) this bothers me so much. Let me have my grumpy little runs in peace please. Let me get the ADHD fluff out of my brain while wearing my fancy cute size inclusive running tights, thanks, without having to Think Of The Children. This is my time to listen to Beyoncé, and think judgmental thoughts about the renovations going on in my local area, and think about how good it will feel to get home and lie down on the floor for seventeen years or however long it takes to cool down. Let me have my runs!!! Grr.
Thank you for this description of running, it speaks directly to my soul. We need not be communing with nature or honoring the wonder of our body, sometimes we are just out having a solitary, grumpy, necessary time.
Love this! Yes let me have my grumpy little runs in peace. Important for my mental health and I don’t want the kids to run with me (following on an ATV?! That isn’t f-ing relaxing)
Ugh. On Wednesday I woke up in excruciating pain. The kind of all encompassing pain where I couldn’t finish a sentence without pausing to rest.
I don’t owe anyone my “health”, including my children. I am worthy as a parent even when I can’t get out of the fetal position. So I certainly don’t owe them running or “exercising” in any way.
I joined a fun pick up soccer “team” this winter and wow is it joyous to just run around and not be very good at something with other people who also DNGAF about being good. We play micro games, share the field with other pick up teams and families playing frisbee, and generally just hang out. It’s fun and exactly as competitive (basically just trash talk) as we want it to be. That kind of joy of movement is what I want to model for my kids. The kind where you do it because it is truly FUN and not a chore or an obligation.
Oooh, that is awesome that you found team sports where it’s okay to suck! I love to play but have bad spatial reasoning so am bad at a lot of team sports (but thankfully discovered rowing as an adult). Anytime I’ve done casual sports as an adult there’s always at least a couple of people taking it way too seriously and it brings me back to the embarrassment of school PE classes.
While it seems important to model behaviors you want your children to engage in, I have mixed feelings on introducing kids to working out, especially when they’re very young.
Once exercise as an obligation (and eventually as a method of weight loss) entered my life, I lost a piece of childhood. I have to wonder whether seeing my mom do aerobics in the living room contributed to the fact that I later did the same as a teen on my way to an eating disorder, because that was what I thought “exercise” looked like.
But that’s not to say that moms/parents shouldn’t exercise in front of their kids. There seems to be a fine line between modeling a healthy behavior and modeling diet culture. And of course each person’s relationship with movement depends on many factors. It seems more important to model doing physical activities you enjoy and encouraging them to find ones they enjoy — and if you don’t enjoy any, you shouldn’t feel obligated to do them.
It's a really interesting point. Our kids don't really ever see us exercise because it is 1000% not relaxing to exercise while also parenting! Both my husband and I tend to exercise before everyone is awake or after they are asleep. I talk about it with my kids about as much as i talk about my job, which is not that much, unless they ask, because they are little and not super interested unless it interferes with something they want me to do, like attend a school event. If they ask, I would tell them I exercise because I like the way it makes my brain feel. I'm also super competitive; it's a good outlet for that, I guess. Our kids are so heavily trained on exercise and food in school, I don't actually feel i need to say much on that front. Why pile on, right?
You know, this reel is annoying, and essential oils are silly, and the entire premise of exercise as performance or moral education for children is...odd. HOWEVER - yeah, as parents we model for our kids every day / every way. We are definitely (at least I feel like I am, for mine) their interpreter of the world. Cue me explaining to my child what a typhoon is, why we have to cut our nails, whether toast is a superfood, and how old a turtle can be, just at breakfast this morning...while attempting to eat my own breakfast, drink coffee, read a story book, etc. A LOT of parenting feels performative for me, even the parts that I like. Where I find this reel problematic is a broader problem. For many people, who aren't grounded (rightly or wrongly) within a socio-moral framework like a religious faith, I think there's a continual search for a series of parameters or organizing principles that help us show our children how to be in the world. And a traditionally fit / healthy body is seen as a highly virtuous goal, moreover one that requires long term commitment and consistent work to achieve. So that may seem like a really good organizing principle for your behavior as a parent - crying child, go for a run! overstimulated child - go for a walk, feeling blue - play an outdoor game. But in this way, it's like all of these influencers are religious figures almost, soliciting you to their 'tent' (the tent of all natural foods, wooden toys, montessori, travel, exercise, whatever)...so they are extolling the virtues of their behavior, rather than simply 'showing' you their day. There is a moral and marketing message underlying these posts that is consistently problematic, right. Because it also of course demonstrates the outgroup (those who don't exercise, here) as well.
It took me right back to when I had 3 under 7 and my (ex) husband gave me a gym membership for Christmas so I could get back into pre-motherhood shape. What did not come with that gift was any acknowledgment that I would have to use it during the precious 2.5 hours that all three were in school or daycare. Like this woman, it was another responsibility to be fit into precious little “free” time....or I could take my children along. BTW, I returned the gift for a refund as we really couldn’t afford it and I knew I would need to fit a part time job in my already full schedule.
I did join a gym when my kids were young. Because it had a "free" daycare I went almost everyday. What I liked was the community of women I met and the chance to workout and shower ALONE!!! However, like everything, it was a mixed bag. It also contributed to my orthorexia. I was constantly admired and complemented for my "fitness" and dedication.
The thing that resonates most for me in this post is the question of whether our hobbies -- fitness-related or otherwise -- have to serve our kids, period. Why can't we just be into playing music or painting or rock climbing or gardening and have it be just because we like it? I've been playing fiddle since my kids were inside my belly. One of them decided she wanted to try it at age 4 but quit in middle school. The other had no interest, ever. It didn't occur to me that I was playing fiddle with some larger goal of starting a family string band or making them good at math or something like that. It was just...my thing!
This misses what I think is a golden opportunity to say "hey, parents -- if there are two of you, and one of you does more of the childcare and housekeeping in your relationship, be sure the other one is helping that one prioritize time to pursue their own interests, if possible. That will show your kids that having a life and interests outside of the childcare/housekeeping duties is important, preparing them to prioritize their own interests if they choose to have children some day. Having the default parent leave the house regularly for string band practice/salsa dancing/quilting club/pastry class will just be an expectation they have going into their parenting partnerships."
And ALSO ALSO! Even my "golden opportunity" here reeks of privilege -- privilege of time, of resources for "hobbies," of emotional bandwidth, etc.
So yeah. I find this video problematic on many levels.
So agree. Caregivers should get to prioritize our needs and have interests/passions beyond caregiving. But not because it serves our kids, because it serves US. (Which serves them but... not the point.)
Okay, so... I guess yay for recognising that a mother's needs matter. It's often much easier for men to go off to the gym for hours at a time than it is for women with caring responsibilities. Certainly in this season of my life I have fought to carve out and must continually protect the few times I get for exercise. Partly it works that's because my husband and I agree on the importance of exercise for my mental health. We prioritise it for me so that I can be a happier, more whole person. I'm not doing it for my kid. I don't owe my child my fitness. I like that I've set an example of prioritising my needs at times, but I exercise for me. And as far as I'm concerned that's the main reason to support any mother with exercise -- if she wants it for her.
At the same time, I grew up with my mother on the sidelines, not interested in bush walks or bike rides with us. I don't recall her ever swimming with me. I suspect she felt self conscious about her body, but also she probably just wasn't that into activities like hiking. However I've seen how inactivity over the years has caused her to miss out on some fun things and also probably exacerbated aches and pains. And I decided I wanted to be more active in my life so that I wasn't missing out. Together my husband and I decided we wanted to be an active family, and we decided together what that looks like: regular trips to the park, family walks on weekends when the weather is nice, encouraging each other and our child to pursue the movement that we like. Maybe one day we'll even go on a family bike ride looool (I can't actually ride). And that's what I feel is missing most from this reel. Yeah the kids apparently all just love running with the mum (who maybe would prefer to run alone) but the mother isn't the only one who can or should set the tone. I'd be more interested to hear at how they planned and negotiated this approach for their family.
I agree so much with this comment. I prioritize exercise because it helps a lot with my anxiety and patience levels with my family. I also relate to the comment about your mom...one thing that i've noticed that is important to my sports loving son is that I play with him even if i'm terrible. So i try to kick a soccer ball around the yard and let him teach me some foot skills. If I'm modeling anything I hope it's the importance of doing the things you love and making space for them even when life feels stressful and that we don't have to be the best at something to try it. I push out of my comfort zone to participate with my kids.
Doing something without being the best has always been a struggle for me. I hate/d doing things I wasn't good at -- that's why I never properly learned to ride a bike. I'm now watching my child have the same approach and oooof it's hard. I think I need to model for her that it's okay to try even if you're not good. Like you kicking with your son.
Thanks for the point about your mother, and your interest in how these parents planned their approach. I agree with you. There are so many ways to parent. My parents worked multiple full-time jobs, so they did not have time or energy to exercise with us. Surviving was exercise enough. And I am an active person, but I don't ever remember becoming that in relation to how my parents' raised me. I just enjoy being outside and moving my body. And maybe my children will reject what I do. We can set examples, but the reactions to them can vary.
Wow does this reel -- or really, this "study," which I have some doubts about -- make me feel guilty and terrible! And here I'd thought that I was mostly done with giving diet culture bullshit the power to make me feel terrible.
I have a fraught relationship with exercise, which was always sold to me (a fat kid, teen, and adult) as nothing but yet another way to lose weight that didn't work. I'm working on it, but the truth is that I still hate exercise. I would always, 100% of the time, prefer to be curled up on a couch reading a book.
This makes me feel guilty and worried for myself, and it's often a struggle to figure out how to navigate it with my extremely energetic kid. But now I get to ALSO feel guilty and worried about it FOR my kid! So awesome! Thanks, patriarchy! Thanks, diet culture! Aghhhh.
Oh, definitely sit and read the book! That's modeling for your kid that being still and quiet is also a legit and enjoyable way for people to spend time. Because it is!
I was one of the ones who sent this to you and my immediate, and continued, reaction is that it is grossly unfair to add this to the list of things mothers on their own are responsible for. And: What about acknowledging how that study had to have been correlation, not actual causation, and there are a whole list of factors that play into a child’s health? Also: Every mom deserves the freedom to exercise in a way that works for them and their body. They should not have to do it out of guilt for their future kids. I also was furious that dads weren’t even in the study this reel cited.
As if moms having time for fitness isn't also correlated with socioeconomic status! The time and ability to take their kids to extracurricular sports, swim lessons, dance, gymnastics ... Come on, man. All of your points here are exactly right. I had a terribly disordered relationship with exercise for a very long time. It wasn't until I had a kid that I finally worked through that because I a) didn't have the headspace or time for compulsive exercise anymore, and b) did not want to model that for my daughter.
Yup, it's a giant omission that that wasn't mentioned at all.
Furious and… unsurprised. Oof.
I have been working out regularly for 40+ years and I find this a complicated topic because until 5 years ago, I worked out as part of my disordered relationship with my body, which I wanted to be smaller. But when I gave up dieting, I didn't give up working out. I happen to like it -- I think. My trainer has become one of my best friends, so I like "seeing" him (we work out via Zoom) 3 X's a week. I love walking. I like the way I feel after a hard cardio workout on my Peloton. But if I analyze my workouts on a strictly, what-makes-me-healthier scale -- there's no way I need to do as much as I do, I could do much less and still enjoy the benefits (mainly low blood pressure and core strength, important to balance as we age). So what am I conveying to my kid, a very happy couch potato? I have no idea, but I think it's a mixed message because there's no way they're not picking up a whiff of compulsiveness. Then again, frankly, Whiff of Compulsiveness is my signature scent. It's part of what has helped me write so many books, it's part of why I walk, on average, 5 miles a day, it's why I love tidying (oh dear, white supremacy, like dust, gets in everywhere) . . . I think what I 'owe" my kid is being frank about being a work-in-progress, someone who can evolve, admit past biases that were once invisible to me. I do love being strong and my core strength probably helped me when I took a bad fall last summer. But working out is important only insofar as it improves actual health markers and I don't know how to convey that to my kid, so I think I'll just let them hang out on the couch. They'll find their way to what they want.
Love this. The unquestioned presumption that all exercise is good exercise and more is always better is high on my list of critiques for this reel and the way fitness is marketed, especially to moms, full stop.
(I too wear Whiff of Compulsiveness, even though it sometimes gives me a rash...)
Yes to all of this! I'm struggling with this too. I'm giving myself grace around food, but I'm still struggling with the urge to overexercise and to "change" my body.
My "ah-ha" moment was when I was trying to run a virtual 10K during the pandemic (because I couldn't give up running for a pandemic, ugh), and I came down with severe stomach cramps at mile 5. I had to run and hide into the woods (on a busy bike trail) and "do my business." I realized, is this really good for my body? Running until a sh*t myself?
So I've scaled back -- walking 10 minutes instead of running 90 minutes; no longer wearing a Fitbit and tracking my "active" minutes and steps. I am also trying to get curious -- am I working out because it makes me feel better, or because I think I should.
Whiff of Compulsiveness: It's an essential oil blend with shades of vanilla, coffee, sugar, and anxiety.
Definitely also my signature scent.
Thanks so much for your honesty, Laura. What you're saying really resonates with me, and makes me think about how important it is to not just set an example (or not set an example) but to honor and respect everyone's choices. You've spent a lot of time examining your reasons for working out, AND you're paying attention to what your kid needs and wants. I think both are important.
Hahaha, I think many of us Indulgence Gospel followers may have worn the Whiff of Compulsiveness at one time or another (or regularly)!
Might have to go on a keychain.
OMG THIS! Thank you! I love what you said about "...what I owe my kid is being frank about being a work in progress". For me, whether or not I go for a run can directly correlate with how 'nice' of a mom I am lol And by that I mean I have high anxiety and running is a coping mechanism (for better or worse) that I have developed that helps get that energy out of my body and puts me in a calmer state (usually). It does sound like we probably where the same signature scent. Thank you for your humanness....we ALL need that. :) And for anyone concerned, I am also practicing other coping skills that are less strenuous...so hopefully my own kids glean something positive from me ;).
What this wonderful reel does not take into account is the kind of relationship that the mother has with exercise. Exercise is not always healthy, despite the claim that it is the thing to be encouraged.
Children will copy behaviors, yet the behavior sits on top of a pyramid of complicated individual, relational, societal expectations that women grapple with every day. What is the child actually copying? What thought patterns and beliefs about themselves and the world do the parents encourage under the seemingly positive habit of exercising?
I hope the father is just as supportive and in-tune with the context around his wife's exercising habits (whether positive or negative or neutral). I hope she is doing it because she loves her body and exercise brings her joy.
Oh my goodness, that second paragraph. If you say “I need to work off those cookies” while lacing up your sneakers, what are you teaching your kids?!
Whew I missed that in my first rage read.
Oh no that’s not from the TikTok! I’m just saying that they copy *all* our behaviors and women don’t exercise in a vacuum.
Ah got it. Yes yes yes!
THIS
Fuck all of this video for so many reasons. I particularly love how the only reason to give your partner time to do anything just for themselves is because it’s also still in service to the children. Otherwise we don’t value it? And I would love for maintenance phase to look into the one study they based this on. I’m sure it was a flawless study 🙄
Oh the limitations of the study are immediately obvious! Not even worth a full debunking bc it’s just... bunk.
Yeah it's almost there. It's saying, "give your wife time to do things for her own mind and body" but sabotaging the premise because it's only so your kids will be healthy??
I have this secret (very petty) theory that every Fit Dad is an asshole. By which I mean that to have a body like that, it generally takes so much time and money and effort that I just assume someone (probably his wife) is minding the children so he can sculpt himself. In a similar vein, this reel feels like a simulacrum of what it's saying it is. It's performative fitness AND performative parenting at the same time.
It's the fitness version of the Montessori toy subscription. It's not enough to just give your kids a spray bottle and swiffer from the closet, it must be the chicest most optimized one. If you're going to "model movement" for your kids or whatever, you could take them to the park/driveway and shoot hoops! But no, that doesn't share well on social. Instead one must exercise aggressively and document beautifully. This is the bespoke fitness version of modeling, which is really just a marketing ploy.
I agree with all the other comments around how that bad study just feels demoralizing – great, one more way I've already screwed things up. I'm a straight sized person in a complicated relationship with exercise at the moment because I don't have a lot of time and I've realized that I want to do some kind of moment that is fun and isn't directly or indirectly about body modification. And wow is that hard to find. I do want to cultivate family activities that involve movement so that our only bonding activities aren't TV/video games/sedentary. There's probably some amount of internalized diet culture/fatphobia in that drive, but I'm trying to think of it as introducing my kids to a range of things and so they can learn what they like. And being outside is good for everyone, but sometimes it takes practice to learn how to dress for the weather or feel comfortable.
Chapter 9 of Fat Talk is... a lot of evidence for your secret theory. 😉
It is not easy to get outside and move!! You're so right. You need appropriate clothing, you need sunscreen and hats in summer, etc. That's the other side of the 1000 hours outside movement, which is a lovely idea in theory but so out of reach for many in practice.
Ohhhh I keep meaning to write a piece about 1000 hours outside. It’s such a seductive idea until I think about actually logging my hours and realize how fast I’d hate it...
Yeah it’s that logging part! I’ve learned logging like anything I do makes every part of me rebel. I’ll go outside but don’t make me keep data about it, gross. I’ll draw a leaf if I feel like it or maayyyyyybe journal but if even those things become compelled I’m out.
I hear the org itself is pretty problematic as well. I cannot remember how just that my immediate reaction was weird vibes and then I later learned they were justified.
I am also lookin ahead at this summer and wanting more family stuff that gets us up and out! Such a complicated dance articulating my goals and reasoning without falling into wellness-speak horror language. I find the active/sedentary axis really problematic, like you mentioned and also limiting. Like I wanna do lots of slow/sedentary stuff outside! I do want to give my body (and family if they choose to tag along) the gift of movement, which we all currently get little of, but whatever it is I’m doing I’d better be allowed to stop and stare at a bug for a full 15 minutes when I want to.
I have many problems with this reel, but mostly it makes me frustrated that it perpetuates the idea that movement has to look a certain way—in this case, disciplined running in a thin and able body. This misconception about movement shaped my unhealthy relationship to exercise for years. I want to model for my children that being outside, gardening, walking somewhere, splashing around in the water, dancing (or whatever they find fun) are just as ”valuable” (that word feels fraught!) as more formal types of exercise. I was always the slowest runner and hated playing sports so experiences like PE made me feel like I was a person who hated exercise. But I loved playing outside and dancing and swimming. And for years I forced myself to run because I didn’t know that exercise could feel joyful—and not look like me in spandex in an gym—and still “count.” I also wish we spent less time modeling discipline for our kids as a form of puritanical self improvement and instead focused that energy on our communities, but that’s a whole other can of worms.
Yes to all of this! Especially the "puritanical self improvement!" What's the opportunity cost? As a busy mom, if I spend 1 hour in the gym, that's 1 hour I can't go volunteer at the library, etc.
I'm reading the new book "Generations" by Dr. Jean Twenge (so good!), and it's fascinating to see how each American generation is getting more individualist -- focusing on our own needs above the community. Not that this is all bad - or all good! But the wellness culture definitely puts the focus on the individual -- if you look a certain way, or if your health isn't where it should be, it's on you.
YES to illustrating the tradeoffs of " I spend 1 hour in the gym, that's 1 hour I can't go volunteer at the library, etc."
YESS.
A small detail you mentioned that I love is movement not having to look like being in spandex in a gym— I just had a tiny epiphany this week that the fabric type I wear doesn’t have to be all workouty in order to go on the long walk I wanted to go on. I had it in my mind as “exercise time” which made it feel like I had to dress accordingly. I don’t like dressing in workout stuff for my day, so this has been a subtle barrier to movement. How nice to wear my loose denim and cotton!
It showed me that this was another false dichotomy of living in a post-industrial capitalist age that I hadn’t noticed living in myself: add “exercise vs. living” to “work vs. leisure” or “learning vs. living.” All of these things happen by way of living my life! It doesn’t have to have a formal designation to happen.
My parents immigrated to the US before I was born. My culture of origin does not give a shit about fitness nearly as much as in the US. I find it really fascinating that I grew up learning that playing an instrument, singing, painting, writing well, and reading literature were of the utmost importance. I married into a very WASPy family from the Northeast where almost everyone is a marathoner/mountain biker/hiker. So for me, the part that I always find so funny is that this is SO culturally specific too. Why doesn't the US glamorize other hobbies? No one would ever say "you better get into woodworking because then your kids might be woodworkers".
Ohh such a good point.
This has always fascinated me as well. I have traveled to several countries with no or very little diet culture, and the people there always ask what is the deal with Americans “problem” with food, weight, wellness. ie…spending so much time and energy on this causes deficits in the society in so many ways.
This is so interesting. I am American but I grew up in a house where music, art, reading, and writing were valued and encouraged, but at the same time we were all marinating in ‘80s/‘90s diet culture. It makes me happy that there are places where people can have the first part but not the second part. P.S. Where are these places, so I can move there? Kidding/not kidding!
The fact that dad is narrating makes it feel super, super condescending. I’m having a hard time getting past that. Plus, his conflation of “exercise” with “fitness” and “healthy,” which we all know are *not* synonymous, especially overlaid with the unspoken but very clear assumption that “skinny” is also part of the goal… [expletive].
At the same time, though, I do want my kids to see me moving my body! I want them to enjoy moving their bodies too! And I want my husband to rearrange his schedule (or at least be prepared to do the kid things I usually do) so I can go for an early run in the morning or a Pilates class that falls during school pickup. So if a mom shows a dad this and he picks up on that point, I guess it’s not all bad? Argh.
Any partner supporting another in whatever they need to do to be a whole person is great! I agree that the male voice narration is condescending. It's like when men get congratulated for "babysitting."
Yes, it's like he's bragging about what a good husband he is. "Look at me! I'm letting my wife get out of the house!"
It reminds of that ol' viral Peleton video, when the husband bought the wife a Peleton and it changed her life. With the underlying message that the husband benefits because she's "getting back in shape" or whatever.
Also, didn't he say "make time on your schedule when you're on kid duty for your wife to work out"? but yet the kids are trailing behind her? I'm confused by this mixed messaging! Oh well... I guess he tried.
DID HE THOUGH?? 😂
likely not..
Exactly!!! Where are the videos of her exercising without the kids?!
I had that thought. There’s maybe a microtrend happening rn on on social of women getting their male partners to help make content like this and... is that what it takes to get the dads to step up? Depressing but also maybe.
Oh yeah, I definitely think there's a conflation of activity levels and health and also thinness going on here. For kids AND moms.
Ughhh as a runner who loves to run (but promises not to evangelize about it, because I do love it but also, let’s face it, running sucks) this bothers me so much. Let me have my grumpy little runs in peace please. Let me get the ADHD fluff out of my brain while wearing my fancy cute size inclusive running tights, thanks, without having to Think Of The Children. This is my time to listen to Beyoncé, and think judgmental thoughts about the renovations going on in my local area, and think about how good it will feel to get home and lie down on the floor for seventeen years or however long it takes to cool down. Let me have my runs!!! Grr.
GRUMPY LITTLE RUNS. 👌🔥
Thank you for this description of running, it speaks directly to my soul. We need not be communing with nature or honoring the wonder of our body, sometimes we are just out having a solitary, grumpy, necessary time.
Love this! Yes let me have my grumpy little runs in peace. Important for my mental health and I don’t want the kids to run with me (following on an ATV?! That isn’t f-ing relaxing)
Ugh. On Wednesday I woke up in excruciating pain. The kind of all encompassing pain where I couldn’t finish a sentence without pausing to rest.
I don’t owe anyone my “health”, including my children. I am worthy as a parent even when I can’t get out of the fetal position. So I certainly don’t owe them running or “exercising” in any way.
I joined a fun pick up soccer “team” this winter and wow is it joyous to just run around and not be very good at something with other people who also DNGAF about being good. We play micro games, share the field with other pick up teams and families playing frisbee, and generally just hang out. It’s fun and exactly as competitive (basically just trash talk) as we want it to be. That kind of joy of movement is what I want to model for my kids. The kind where you do it because it is truly FUN and not a chore or an obligation.
Oooh, that is awesome that you found team sports where it’s okay to suck! I love to play but have bad spatial reasoning so am bad at a lot of team sports (but thankfully discovered rowing as an adult). Anytime I’ve done casual sports as an adult there’s always at least a couple of people taking it way too seriously and it brings me back to the embarrassment of school PE classes.
While it seems important to model behaviors you want your children to engage in, I have mixed feelings on introducing kids to working out, especially when they’re very young.
Once exercise as an obligation (and eventually as a method of weight loss) entered my life, I lost a piece of childhood. I have to wonder whether seeing my mom do aerobics in the living room contributed to the fact that I later did the same as a teen on my way to an eating disorder, because that was what I thought “exercise” looked like.
But that’s not to say that moms/parents shouldn’t exercise in front of their kids. There seems to be a fine line between modeling a healthy behavior and modeling diet culture. And of course each person’s relationship with movement depends on many factors. It seems more important to model doing physical activities you enjoy and encouraging them to find ones they enjoy — and if you don’t enjoy any, you shouldn’t feel obligated to do them.
YES. Exercise as obligation is actually not the relationship I want my kids to have with movement... at all.
It's a really interesting point. Our kids don't really ever see us exercise because it is 1000% not relaxing to exercise while also parenting! Both my husband and I tend to exercise before everyone is awake or after they are asleep. I talk about it with my kids about as much as i talk about my job, which is not that much, unless they ask, because they are little and not super interested unless it interferes with something they want me to do, like attend a school event. If they ask, I would tell them I exercise because I like the way it makes my brain feel. I'm also super competitive; it's a good outlet for that, I guess. Our kids are so heavily trained on exercise and food in school, I don't actually feel i need to say much on that front. Why pile on, right?
I take my 2yo out in the jogging stroller on some early morning runs and when I stop for a breather she shouts KEEP GOING, MOMMY at me 🙃
Yes! Totally agree. Kids seem so joyful in their bodies, and working out, even the name, doesn’t seem to hold that joy.
The first phoneme in "working out" is "work."
You know, this reel is annoying, and essential oils are silly, and the entire premise of exercise as performance or moral education for children is...odd. HOWEVER - yeah, as parents we model for our kids every day / every way. We are definitely (at least I feel like I am, for mine) their interpreter of the world. Cue me explaining to my child what a typhoon is, why we have to cut our nails, whether toast is a superfood, and how old a turtle can be, just at breakfast this morning...while attempting to eat my own breakfast, drink coffee, read a story book, etc. A LOT of parenting feels performative for me, even the parts that I like. Where I find this reel problematic is a broader problem. For many people, who aren't grounded (rightly or wrongly) within a socio-moral framework like a religious faith, I think there's a continual search for a series of parameters or organizing principles that help us show our children how to be in the world. And a traditionally fit / healthy body is seen as a highly virtuous goal, moreover one that requires long term commitment and consistent work to achieve. So that may seem like a really good organizing principle for your behavior as a parent - crying child, go for a run! overstimulated child - go for a walk, feeling blue - play an outdoor game. But in this way, it's like all of these influencers are religious figures almost, soliciting you to their 'tent' (the tent of all natural foods, wooden toys, montessori, travel, exercise, whatever)...so they are extolling the virtues of their behavior, rather than simply 'showing' you their day. There is a moral and marketing message underlying these posts that is consistently problematic, right. Because it also of course demonstrates the outgroup (those who don't exercise, here) as well.
It took me right back to when I had 3 under 7 and my (ex) husband gave me a gym membership for Christmas so I could get back into pre-motherhood shape. What did not come with that gift was any acknowledgment that I would have to use it during the precious 2.5 hours that all three were in school or daycare. Like this woman, it was another responsibility to be fit into precious little “free” time....or I could take my children along. BTW, I returned the gift for a refund as we really couldn’t afford it and I knew I would need to fit a part time job in my already full schedule.
Oh god, your ex is that dude from the Peloton commercial! (Kidding and also sorry, that sounds stressful af.)
I did join a gym when my kids were young. Because it had a "free" daycare I went almost everyday. What I liked was the community of women I met and the chance to workout and shower ALONE!!! However, like everything, it was a mixed bag. It also contributed to my orthorexia. I was constantly admired and complemented for my "fitness" and dedication.
Pre-pandemic the gym with included drop in childcare was my FAVORITE place. On difficult days I’d just take a shower and then sit in the cafe.
The thing that resonates most for me in this post is the question of whether our hobbies -- fitness-related or otherwise -- have to serve our kids, period. Why can't we just be into playing music or painting or rock climbing or gardening and have it be just because we like it? I've been playing fiddle since my kids were inside my belly. One of them decided she wanted to try it at age 4 but quit in middle school. The other had no interest, ever. It didn't occur to me that I was playing fiddle with some larger goal of starting a family string band or making them good at math or something like that. It was just...my thing!
This misses what I think is a golden opportunity to say "hey, parents -- if there are two of you, and one of you does more of the childcare and housekeeping in your relationship, be sure the other one is helping that one prioritize time to pursue their own interests, if possible. That will show your kids that having a life and interests outside of the childcare/housekeeping duties is important, preparing them to prioritize their own interests if they choose to have children some day. Having the default parent leave the house regularly for string band practice/salsa dancing/quilting club/pastry class will just be an expectation they have going into their parenting partnerships."
And ALSO ALSO! Even my "golden opportunity" here reeks of privilege -- privilege of time, of resources for "hobbies," of emotional bandwidth, etc.
So yeah. I find this video problematic on many levels.
So agree. Caregivers should get to prioritize our needs and have interests/passions beyond caregiving. But not because it serves our kids, because it serves US. (Which serves them but... not the point.)
Okay, so... I guess yay for recognising that a mother's needs matter. It's often much easier for men to go off to the gym for hours at a time than it is for women with caring responsibilities. Certainly in this season of my life I have fought to carve out and must continually protect the few times I get for exercise. Partly it works that's because my husband and I agree on the importance of exercise for my mental health. We prioritise it for me so that I can be a happier, more whole person. I'm not doing it for my kid. I don't owe my child my fitness. I like that I've set an example of prioritising my needs at times, but I exercise for me. And as far as I'm concerned that's the main reason to support any mother with exercise -- if she wants it for her.
At the same time, I grew up with my mother on the sidelines, not interested in bush walks or bike rides with us. I don't recall her ever swimming with me. I suspect she felt self conscious about her body, but also she probably just wasn't that into activities like hiking. However I've seen how inactivity over the years has caused her to miss out on some fun things and also probably exacerbated aches and pains. And I decided I wanted to be more active in my life so that I wasn't missing out. Together my husband and I decided we wanted to be an active family, and we decided together what that looks like: regular trips to the park, family walks on weekends when the weather is nice, encouraging each other and our child to pursue the movement that we like. Maybe one day we'll even go on a family bike ride looool (I can't actually ride). And that's what I feel is missing most from this reel. Yeah the kids apparently all just love running with the mum (who maybe would prefer to run alone) but the mother isn't the only one who can or should set the tone. I'd be more interested to hear at how they planned and negotiated this approach for their family.
I agree so much with this comment. I prioritize exercise because it helps a lot with my anxiety and patience levels with my family. I also relate to the comment about your mom...one thing that i've noticed that is important to my sports loving son is that I play with him even if i'm terrible. So i try to kick a soccer ball around the yard and let him teach me some foot skills. If I'm modeling anything I hope it's the importance of doing the things you love and making space for them even when life feels stressful and that we don't have to be the best at something to try it. I push out of my comfort zone to participate with my kids.
Doing something without being the best has always been a struggle for me. I hate/d doing things I wasn't good at -- that's why I never properly learned to ride a bike. I'm now watching my child have the same approach and oooof it's hard. I think I need to model for her that it's okay to try even if you're not good. Like you kicking with your son.
Thanks for the point about your mother, and your interest in how these parents planned their approach. I agree with you. There are so many ways to parent. My parents worked multiple full-time jobs, so they did not have time or energy to exercise with us. Surviving was exercise enough. And I am an active person, but I don't ever remember becoming that in relation to how my parents' raised me. I just enjoy being outside and moving my body. And maybe my children will reject what I do. We can set examples, but the reactions to them can vary.
Having time to exercise is a huge luxury. And I agree that no matter what we do, our children might reject it. We're not actually in control.
Also, your dads chapter was probably my favourite one in all of Burnt Toast. So important and so well reported.
Thanks so much!
Wow does this reel -- or really, this "study," which I have some doubts about -- make me feel guilty and terrible! And here I'd thought that I was mostly done with giving diet culture bullshit the power to make me feel terrible.
I have a fraught relationship with exercise, which was always sold to me (a fat kid, teen, and adult) as nothing but yet another way to lose weight that didn't work. I'm working on it, but the truth is that I still hate exercise. I would always, 100% of the time, prefer to be curled up on a couch reading a book.
This makes me feel guilty and worried for myself, and it's often a struggle to figure out how to navigate it with my extremely energetic kid. But now I get to ALSO feel guilty and worried about it FOR my kid! So awesome! Thanks, patriarchy! Thanks, diet culture! Aghhhh.
Right there on the couch with you. Reading is glorious!
You 100% deserve to be on the couch reading! My husband feels no guilt spending hours in the bathroom on his phone!
Oh, definitely sit and read the book! That's modeling for your kid that being still and quiet is also a legit and enjoyable way for people to spend time. Because it is!