I am in a bigger body. I am anti-diet. I read anti-diet authors and speak about body positivity to friends and family. But I feel guilty all the time because I have this secret—I still really wish I was in a smaller body. I feel so terrible about it all the time, but I lost a lot of weight and kept it off for about a year, and I honestly enjoyed the thin privilege. I wish I could just fully accept my body as it is, but it would be easier to be anti-diet AND smaller. 😔
Being awash in anti-fat bias is a bitch, isn’t it? I am in the same boat - I was straight sized/borderline plus sized for most of my life until a couple of years on night shift, a divorce, and working in the ER through a pandemic. Learning to be anti-diet and fat positive as a clinician (I am a new NP) has been totally practice changing, and also I have managed some pretty big mindset shifts in terms of managing my own habits and how I feel about them/the value I ascribe to them - but it would be really freaking nice to fit comfortably in theatre or airline seats again, and I would love to buy clothes without having to wait for them to be shipped to my house (and then end up returning half or more of what I ordered!)
I think this is something it is really really normal to still want, and we should approach ourselves with compassion about it - even though I also feel guilty thinking this way.
I'm also in a bigger body. I no longer want to be in a smaller body, but I think it's very understandable and common to feel how you do. It doesn't make you a hypocrite, it makes you a human susceptible to all the pressures we rail against. Life is easier in many, many ways for thinner people. That's simply a fact. We're not bad for wishing our lives were even just a little bit easier. <3
Agree with what others said. You're human, these feelings are normal in the world in which we live. I believe you can hold multiple truths inside you: You know the value of body acceptance and releasing yourself from a harmful mindset, but you also understand how hard it really is to embrace your body at all times given the realities you've experienced.
I feel this. I feel like I have good days and bad days. I’m working on just treating my body well. I also was pretty skinny a few years back and find myself still wanting that even if it wasn’t where my body wanted to be long-term.
We have made the very bold and very wonderful decision to opt out of Thanksgiving this year. If 2016 taught me anything it’s that Trump+Thanksgiving+Family=sobbing in a stairwell, so this year we said Fuck it, and booked a trip to Legoland. I’m thrilled.
Incredibly smart of you! I can remember 81 Thanksgivings, not all of them fondly. Aside from issues of size (my wife's), other things were always in evidence or dispute: Anti-Catholicism, alcoholism of one or two uncles, career and dating choices, attire, and politics. Not to mention, it turns out, the basis of the holiday itself, which celebrates an early event during which Europeans were in the process of stealing a continent from people who were already living there, but who were deemed to be 'savages." Listening to people who said that they couldn't have another slice of pumpkin pie because they would really "blimp up", said by a 120 lb. relative, in front of people who weighed 2 or 3 times as much, is a bit much. Or when I was out of the room, my mother-in-law turning to my wife (her daughter) and saying, and I quote, "Bill doesn't love you because he lets you be fat!" It's enough to turn one into a size-acceptance activist. Oh, wait, I am!
I just reached the start of my second trimester in this pregnancy, and it seems like my constant nausea and food apathy is finally beginning to recede -- just in time for Thanksgiving, which is what I was hoping would happen. This is my fifth pregnancy. I have a 4.5yo son who was born at 29w5d and I lost three pregnancies a few years before that, two in the second trimester. My current doctor is extremely optimistic about this pregnancy (I had an abdominal cerclage put in before getting pregnant, and the success rates are incredibly high), but I’m still marking my own personal milestones in addition to the typical pregnancy ones. Next week will be my first big one -- one of my second trimester losses was at 15 weeks, which I’ll reach next Thursday, so passing that will feel like a small success. (The big exhales won’t come till I hit viability at 24 weeks and then make it past my son’s final gestational age.)
Right before we found out I was pregnant (around when we started to suspect it/hope), my husband was admitted to the hospital because of unexplained numbness throughout his body. No pain; just numbness. After three days and lots of tests, they sent him home with the recommendation to see a neurologist. We met with one a little over a month ago, and last week we met with her colleague, who specializes in MS. He confirmed what the hospital docs suspected, that my husband is in the early stages of MS. We’re confident about the preventative therapy he’s advised for my husband, and my husband is in the process of beginning the paperwork to get insurance on board with it, but it’s still a lot. Hearing a doctor say that although this is a slow-moving disease, there’s still the chance that an incident could leave my husband wheelchair-bound is slightly terrifying.
In the process of completing some blood work for the neurologist to review, they found some red flags related to his liver and he had to go in for an ultrasound and then a CT scan to see what’s going on. The results he got last week through the portal indicate that further diagnostic testing is needed (his doctor had previously said it’s possible that there’s a pre-cancerous cyst), but at this point we’re still waiting to hear from his doctor with next steps.
Also, last week my father-in-law had a mini mental episode in which he took the car and vanished for an hour and a half (he doesn’t see well enough to drive anymore), so we, along with my husband’s two brothers, have been trying to support my mother-in-law and convince my father-in-law to resume therapy (he stopped during Covid because he doesn’t like Zoom).
I feel like I’m handling all the stressors in my life well, but every morning this week I’ve woken up from dreams that are LADEN with anxiety and my entire body is taut and achy with tension, so I guess I should rethink that stance?
Anyhow, it felt good to get all that out in one place. Thanks, Virginia, for creating space for this today!
My heart goes out to you, bearing your child, your husband’s diagnosis, worry about your dad. That is a lot of stress.
Chronic disease is a tough road. I have an autoimmune condition and that made trusting my body even more challenging. Panic about it (prospect of ending up in wheelchair included) led me deeeeeeeeep into the wellness cult. Still deprogramming.
I now feel much gratitude for the (conventional) medicine and treatment that is available to me, and have reached acceptance that I can’t control it and may never know what caused it. This has allowed me to enjoy my life again.
Living with any kind of “disadvantage” can be as joyous as any other life, or as joyless. It’s the great equalizer - acceptance or resistance.
Oh! Dear human, that is a LOT. Sending you love and abiding care and hopes you get to enjoy some delicious pie this week. You sound like you are holding yourself tight to endure this time, I hope you get some space to unfurl soon.
I set a hard boundary with my mom in my early twenties to STOP buying clothes for me. I'm 38 now with two kids (four and 15 months) and what has she started to do??? Buy ALL of us clothes. I reminded her again when she brought over her giant sized GAP bag filled with clothes, I do not want her buying me clothes. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Of course she brushed it off and left the clothes here. I ignored them in a giant heap on a chair all day until I had to look through them and put them away. When I reached the bottom of the stack I found the two tops she had gotten me. While standing alone in my daughters room, I knew I was going to have to look at the tag to see what size she got me. Tears formed in my eyes. The pit of dread came up in my stomach and throat. Ugh. When I went to look, for the first time EVER, she had cut out ALL the tags indicating size. While she crossed my boundary, it felt like she FINALLY heard something I said.
This is actually a bit beautiful. She shouldn’t have crossed your boundary but cutting out all the tags made my heart melt a little. She got it (at least a little bit).
I definitely had mixed feelings of happiness and disappointment. When I saw the tags were cut out, I started to cry because it felt like for the first time ever she heard me and put it in action. ♥️
The first three months were an emotional roller coaster with me constantly feeling like I was about to say screw this, I’m going to try and shrink my body again. But then things started to smooth out.
I’ve had the realization that fat is like gold to my body- it treasures it and is using it to build itself back up after five decades of weight cycling. It may hold onto it forever. I’ve decided to trust my body and work with it instead of against it.
The best part of it all is that I no longer hate myself.
The hardest part is seeing and feeling all the fat-shaming everywhere.
But it’s getting better all the time. I don’t panic when I see myself in the mirror and I don’t concoct weight loss schemes.
Still feel like I have a long way to go before I feel comfortable and healthy and strong. But I’m patient now.
I am not having the greatest week. Last week I unexpectedly had a breast biopsy for some weird skin changes - the range of outcomes is from eczema to a relatively rare cancer, so yay? - and not unrelatedly I ended a relationship with a guy I'd been seeing for the last couple months. Still haven't gotten the biopsy results, so that is weighing on me... plus I just feel a little sad and lonely, even though ending the relationship was 1000% the right move. On top of which I am having an allergic reaction to SOMEthing inside my house that is make my eyes red and puffy and so itchy that I would like to claw them out. Just feeling whiny and tired and over it all.
Windy and tired sounds like a super reasonable way to feel in this shit week you are having. Not that feelings ever have to be reasonable. I am also hoping for normal biopsy results.
This week has been full of yin and yang. I’m leading a HUGE project at work. I’m incredibly passionate about it and it’s exciting but it also means I’m BUSY. We’re talking double booked throughout the day with back to back meetings but also needing to get actual work done…so I worked 40 hours easily in 4 days.
I work at Amazon and layoffs in my org were leaked to the press, they happened Tuesday. My entire team of 28 was not affected. I know people who were affected though.
Through a work slack channel called “Taylor Swift Fans” I was able to get tickets to a concert in LA and the woman who bought them is now totally a friend and we’re excited to go to the concert together. I didn’t even know she existed until Tuesday.
My partner is out of town for work this week. I don’t really mind that, my kiddo is 14 and pretty self sufficient and I like the alone time. I did have to take meetings from the car as I got her to climbing practice.
My birthday is tomorrow and I LOVE MY BIRTHDAY! I took today off and I’m having a day filled with things I love to do. Massage followed by a private stretching session, lunch with close friends, then we’re going to the Wintry Market (local makers all in one place. It’s 2 days every holiday season and it’s like a not tacky craft fair of beautiful things). We’re going right when it opens at 3 to hopefully miss the crowds. Then I’m getting my gel polished removed and redone with a fun design. Tomorrow, on my actual birthday I’m going to the farmers market, getting a tattoo 😍 (of a California poppy since both me and my daughter were born in CA) and then a fancy dinner with my husband and daughter.
Sunday I have zero plans to recover from my birthday extravaganza! Oh but I’ll need to start making sourdough for thanksgiving.
A very busy week. Mostly all wonderful things and I’m incredibly fortunate and grateful. Mixed in with some harder stuff but not that hard. I’ve had many reminders this week of how truly fortunate I am. 💜
Yesterday I went to New York City, which I haven’t been doing much over the past few years, even though I used to work there and spend a huge amount of time there. And I could feel the diet culture tightening its grip around me like some terrible dress made of non-stretch material. It was kind of a lot. Especially since right now I am the fattest I have ever been, and my body at this size hasn’t spent much time in NYC and I didn’t know how it was going to react. And these days I’m rarely wearing makeup and think of “hard pants” as a real concession to the idea of “looking put together.” And there’s a lot of tension between my desire to rebel against those strictures and my desire to conform to them.
I’ve been struggling with clothing myself as well. I’m also at my highest weight ever. Recently I put together an outfit in which I felt comfortable and “pretty” (not the exact word but something like that) - then caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror while shopping and felt the opposite. What is this witchcraft? I do not yet know.
I am not doing great. While I'm thrilled that most of the country dodged the so-called "red tsunami" the election results in Iowa, where I live, were abysmal. I'm genuinely scared for what it will be like as a queer trans disabled Jew here, with our awful GOP leaders determined to make it heard to be any one of those things, let alone all of them. Plus, having lost my niece in May (today would have been her birthday), I know this holiday season is going to be brutal.
I'm grateful for a long weekend, and a short week next week, and I just launched my Etsy shop making resin and polymer clay Judaica. Making time for making brings me so much joy.
“Making time for making brings me so much joy” - well said. Thank you for that reminder as the same is true for me and I’ve been in a bit of funk lately. Need to do some “making”!
I'm so sorry about your niece, and about your truly horrifying state government. I have a 7yo trans daughter, and I feel so grateful to live in a state where I know her rights are safe, but so enraged and sick and watching what's happening across the country.
Reading through everyone's comments, I'm so grateful for Virginia for creating this space for people to share and be validated and not judged.
Everything's kind of a mixed bag here. I had an annual physical on Wednesday, which confirmed that I'm officially prediabetic -- a genetic bear that's been stalking me since my twenties (maybe even my teens). My doctor was a marvel, though, and immediately suggested medication with "lifestyle changes" as an afterthought that felt like it was because he gets a lot of "But I want to fix this naturally" pushback and he agrees that my lifestyle is fine! Great, even! (Not trying to perform "good fatty" here [and I'm a small fat]) I am so grateful to him for not getting weird when I cried, and for telling me very directly that it's not because of anything I did, and not something I could have prevented, then offering to refer me to the clinic's counselor. Good doctors are out there!
BUT I'm now having to think more about food than I want to, and I'm gearing up to go home for Thanksgiving, and am rehearsing conversations with my mom about my weight -- she's been telling me since I was a (size 2) teen that I need to be thin to avoid diabetes, because I "am built like" my dad and his mom. Since my dad was diagnosed about 15 years ago, she began ramping it up, until I melted down to my dad in my dark, gross basement laundry room about her diet culture pressure (she's immobilized due to Parkinson's, and is thrilled that she's the thinnest she's ever been...).
I'm practicing saying, "My doctor and I agree that weight gain is a symptom, not a cause, and I'm not going to talk about this," and hoping not to get in any big fights -- the pressure to make the most of one of maybe 5 or 6 Thanksgivings I have left with her is big. Also, my husband is out of the country right now, and has to stay home for work and can't go with us over the break, so that sucks.
I'm so grateful for my dad, and hate watching him plagued by caregiver stress (take care of yourselves out there, caregivers. I know it's so hard). My kids are awesome and we talk about these things pretty openly (and I loved Thursday's podcast).
Editing this to add: Even if my weight *is* a cause not a symptom, still not her business and doesn't mean I've failed at anything or am a bad person.
Whew, that was long. The good news is, I feel great today -- more energy than I've had in months. I don't know if it's getting more sleep, or the blood sugar stabilization, or solar flares, and I don't care. I'll take it, and wish I could send some to everyone here.
It sounds like you are doing a beautiful job figuring out what you need and what boundaries will help, will also keeping your connection to both your parents centered. And that is so so much!! Kudos.
just to offer a counter perspective - i am diabetic and i was worried i would have to change how i see food and i ... didn't have to! i take medications that control my blood pressure and continue to eat as i did before!
Yes, thank you! That's why I am glad my doctor supported medication, and why I'm taking it now. I keep reminding myself he did that in part because the way I am eating is ... totally fine! Navigating the hellscape of every single piece of information about diabetes screaming to lose weight is not something I should be doing with my time. "My doctor and I agree that weight gain is a symptom, not a cause." Thanks for the reminder.
I really appreciate hearing how your doctor handled it. I’ve heard so many horror stories, it’s good to hear a real-life version of how it “ought” to be.
“Weight gain is a symptom, not a cause. And even if it were the cause of something, it’s not anyone’s business.” I’m just restating that so it gets in my brain. I am still struggling with feeling apologetic, which implies I did something wrong, and that is not the case. (I almost believe it)
If you feel like you would like some extra resources, the Seldcare4Diabetes programme has really helped me. It’s a non diet HAES aligned programme, and the 2 women who run it are just the best.
I was at Orangetheory the other day and while waiting for class to start, a woman said “so, how are you feeling?” I thought she was asking because we had done a hard workout the day before and I said “a little sore, how about you?” Then she said “oh, I meant when are you due?” I am not pregnant and had actually been thinking that morning that I was looking super strong. Sigh. When I told her I am not pregnant, she said “oh, really?” and then stared at me for an awkwardly long time. This happens to me frequently and I’m just so over having people discuss my body when I am trying to exercise and do my thing.
"Oh, really?" WTAF is that response. Grr. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'll bet you did look super strong!
I have a friend who was at the store with her toddler, and when asked when she was due, burst into tears and wailed, "15 months ago!" I've been storing that response up for the last 9 years (age of my youngest) in case I ever need it.
I have TWICE been asked if I am pregnant when I wasn't, and I am a straight-sized person. I decided to be charitable towards these people, even though they were commenting on my body when they were not asked to: I decided that, for whatever reason, they very badly needed to see someone carrying a baby as a symbol of hope and cuteness, and that they also desperately needed something to make small talk about. Also, they're just idiots. Also, you probably DID look super-strong!
What a [glassbowl] (which all the Carolyn Hax advice column readers will recognize as a rhyming euphemism--I love it).
I still remember being asked years ago how far along I was. I was straight-sized at the time, wearing a dress I thought I looked really cute in. The woman who asked it was a clerk in a nice women's clothing store.
I looked straight at her and said, "I'm not, and I have miscarried in the past, and you should never assume someone is pregnant."
She apologized and--amazed at myself that I thought fast enough to push back hard and immediately, which is not my reflex--I left without buying anything, thinking, "Great sales technique there, lady."
Then I second-guessed myself because I didn't owe her the miscarriage story but it just popped out because it had been painful being asked repeatedly about a pregnancy that I wanted that had ended even though I was no longer in that moment.
Writing about this now it just got laid up in my memory alongside someone not believing a woman's story about how total strangers come up and touch your body when you're pregnant, which I also had happen to me more than once.
How is that our bodies are not just Our Own Bodies--not for touching, not for commenting on, not for judging, not for regulating?! [unclenches jaw, moves pinky away from CAPS LOCK key where it very much wanted to go]
I’ve been actively hating my job for awhile now, and with the time change I just cannot muster the energy to do much of anything. I need a sabbatical from everything.
We're...okay? I really do feel like a literal embodiment of the "this is fine" meme. I spent my day yesterday driving from the Toronto area to Buffalo to buy as much infant and children's pain and fever medication as I responsibly could (i.e. making sure there was still tons for local folks, which meant going to 15-20 stores) for 25+ families in our neighbourhood. Shelves are bare across Canada and EVERY kid is sick and parents are freaking out.
Part of the reason I could spend the day doing that is because my kid is not sick, because we're pulled him from school and are now homeschooling him, because COVID is everywhere and all the kids who got COVID earlier in the fall have really bad RSV now and we just can't risk it with our existing disabilities and knowledge of how much long COVID would SUCK. So that's another giant flame in the everything is burning fire.
But human brains are also good (at least mine is!) at plugging along even as the world is burning, so we're still doing things like putting up the Christmas lights and baking cupcakes and making soup to drop off for friends who have new babies. And that stuff is nice and makes the world feel like a place I still want to keep fighting for, so we keep moving forward. It helps that I'm now part of a non-profit that's bringing legal action against our provincial government for refusing to put any pandemic protections in place in schools--feeling like I'm doing something is essential!
Love reading all of these! The interview about Luna brought tears to my eyes and has given me so much to think about about the way I care for children in my family medicine practice. What a lovely family -- so grateful they were willing to share their story. ❣️
My husband (only 48) had a mini stroke in august, and we’re just starting to deal with the weirdness of that, my 17 y.o. son was diagnosed with celiac and broke his foot (possibly related), and I am having a hysterectomy in a couple weeks. And it’s coming up on the 2nd anniversary of my best friends death from Covid.
Other than that I did try out an excellent new coffee shop in my funky neighborhood and make myself pumpkin pancakes for breakfast. And I live in Michigan and am thrilled at the election results!
Thanks, I have celiac as well so he’s eaten mostly gluten free at home for a long time. It’s just an adjustment going out with friends for him and such, but yes, it’s sooo much better than it used to be!
I'm in Charlottesville, Virginia and there was a shooting at UVA on Sunday night that is rocking our community. I find myself feeling tender and angry (especially as the Republicans get ready to take over the House and do nothing but bogus investigations instead of using their power to SOLVE SOME FUCKING PROBLEMS) and worried as hell about everybody. I did a post on my newsletter about bullying and how important kindness and inclusion is but damNAtion it feels like swimming upstream.
I am in a bigger body. I am anti-diet. I read anti-diet authors and speak about body positivity to friends and family. But I feel guilty all the time because I have this secret—I still really wish I was in a smaller body. I feel so terrible about it all the time, but I lost a lot of weight and kept it off for about a year, and I honestly enjoyed the thin privilege. I wish I could just fully accept my body as it is, but it would be easier to be anti-diet AND smaller. 😔
Being awash in anti-fat bias is a bitch, isn’t it? I am in the same boat - I was straight sized/borderline plus sized for most of my life until a couple of years on night shift, a divorce, and working in the ER through a pandemic. Learning to be anti-diet and fat positive as a clinician (I am a new NP) has been totally practice changing, and also I have managed some pretty big mindset shifts in terms of managing my own habits and how I feel about them/the value I ascribe to them - but it would be really freaking nice to fit comfortably in theatre or airline seats again, and I would love to buy clothes without having to wait for them to be shipped to my house (and then end up returning half or more of what I ordered!)
I think this is something it is really really normal to still want, and we should approach ourselves with compassion about it - even though I also feel guilty thinking this way.
I would love to have an easier time buying clothes, too! I like your words about approaching our selves with compassion. 💕
I'm also in a bigger body. I no longer want to be in a smaller body, but I think it's very understandable and common to feel how you do. It doesn't make you a hypocrite, it makes you a human susceptible to all the pressures we rail against. Life is easier in many, many ways for thinner people. That's simply a fact. We're not bad for wishing our lives were even just a little bit easier. <3
This is such a wise way to frame it.
I love how you phrased this. 💕
Agree with what others said. You're human, these feelings are normal in the world in which we live. I believe you can hold multiple truths inside you: You know the value of body acceptance and releasing yourself from a harmful mindset, but you also understand how hard it really is to embrace your body at all times given the realities you've experienced.
I agree, you can hold multiple truths. 💕
I feel this. I feel like I have good days and bad days. I’m working on just treating my body well. I also was pretty skinny a few years back and find myself still wanting that even if it wasn’t where my body wanted to be long-term.
I feel the same—up and down, good and bad.
We have made the very bold and very wonderful decision to opt out of Thanksgiving this year. If 2016 taught me anything it’s that Trump+Thanksgiving+Family=sobbing in a stairwell, so this year we said Fuck it, and booked a trip to Legoland. I’m thrilled.
Woot! We opted out of hosting, after having hosted for the majority of the last 10 years, and the relief is sustaining me.
We’re doing this for xmas (traveling instead which is also work but a different kind of work at least!)
Yay to opting out! Thank you for this weeks thread, a venting space is the best present lol xo
Incredibly smart of you! I can remember 81 Thanksgivings, not all of them fondly. Aside from issues of size (my wife's), other things were always in evidence or dispute: Anti-Catholicism, alcoholism of one or two uncles, career and dating choices, attire, and politics. Not to mention, it turns out, the basis of the holiday itself, which celebrates an early event during which Europeans were in the process of stealing a continent from people who were already living there, but who were deemed to be 'savages." Listening to people who said that they couldn't have another slice of pumpkin pie because they would really "blimp up", said by a 120 lb. relative, in front of people who weighed 2 or 3 times as much, is a bit much. Or when I was out of the room, my mother-in-law turning to my wife (her daughter) and saying, and I quote, "Bill doesn't love you because he lets you be fat!" It's enough to turn one into a size-acceptance activist. Oh, wait, I am!
Us too! Just decided this morning! Solidarity with you.
Congrats!!
Yes to all of this!
Legoland is awesome!
Good for you!
I just reached the start of my second trimester in this pregnancy, and it seems like my constant nausea and food apathy is finally beginning to recede -- just in time for Thanksgiving, which is what I was hoping would happen. This is my fifth pregnancy. I have a 4.5yo son who was born at 29w5d and I lost three pregnancies a few years before that, two in the second trimester. My current doctor is extremely optimistic about this pregnancy (I had an abdominal cerclage put in before getting pregnant, and the success rates are incredibly high), but I’m still marking my own personal milestones in addition to the typical pregnancy ones. Next week will be my first big one -- one of my second trimester losses was at 15 weeks, which I’ll reach next Thursday, so passing that will feel like a small success. (The big exhales won’t come till I hit viability at 24 weeks and then make it past my son’s final gestational age.)
Right before we found out I was pregnant (around when we started to suspect it/hope), my husband was admitted to the hospital because of unexplained numbness throughout his body. No pain; just numbness. After three days and lots of tests, they sent him home with the recommendation to see a neurologist. We met with one a little over a month ago, and last week we met with her colleague, who specializes in MS. He confirmed what the hospital docs suspected, that my husband is in the early stages of MS. We’re confident about the preventative therapy he’s advised for my husband, and my husband is in the process of beginning the paperwork to get insurance on board with it, but it’s still a lot. Hearing a doctor say that although this is a slow-moving disease, there’s still the chance that an incident could leave my husband wheelchair-bound is slightly terrifying.
In the process of completing some blood work for the neurologist to review, they found some red flags related to his liver and he had to go in for an ultrasound and then a CT scan to see what’s going on. The results he got last week through the portal indicate that further diagnostic testing is needed (his doctor had previously said it’s possible that there’s a pre-cancerous cyst), but at this point we’re still waiting to hear from his doctor with next steps.
Also, last week my father-in-law had a mini mental episode in which he took the car and vanished for an hour and a half (he doesn’t see well enough to drive anymore), so we, along with my husband’s two brothers, have been trying to support my mother-in-law and convince my father-in-law to resume therapy (he stopped during Covid because he doesn’t like Zoom).
I feel like I’m handling all the stressors in my life well, but every morning this week I’ve woken up from dreams that are LADEN with anxiety and my entire body is taut and achy with tension, so I guess I should rethink that stance?
Anyhow, it felt good to get all that out in one place. Thanks, Virginia, for creating space for this today!
Libby this is all so much. Sending lots of love and thank you for trusting us with all of this. I’ll be thinking of you next Thursday.
My heart goes out to you, bearing your child, your husband’s diagnosis, worry about your dad. That is a lot of stress.
Chronic disease is a tough road. I have an autoimmune condition and that made trusting my body even more challenging. Panic about it (prospect of ending up in wheelchair included) led me deeeeeeeeep into the wellness cult. Still deprogramming.
I now feel much gratitude for the (conventional) medicine and treatment that is available to me, and have reached acceptance that I can’t control it and may never know what caused it. This has allowed me to enjoy my life again.
Living with any kind of “disadvantage” can be as joyous as any other life, or as joyless. It’s the great equalizer - acceptance or resistance.
Peace to you and your family.
This is so, so much. Wishing you lots of good days, weeks, months, years, decades ahead. xxoo
Oh! Dear human, that is a LOT. Sending you love and abiding care and hopes you get to enjoy some delicious pie this week. You sound like you are holding yourself tight to endure this time, I hope you get some space to unfurl soon.
Oh my gosh. You are very strong and I wish nothing but the best for in each of these situations.
That is a lot. A lot. I have no wisdom here, just that I see you and I hope some of the stressors are lifted soon.
Sending so much love!
I set a hard boundary with my mom in my early twenties to STOP buying clothes for me. I'm 38 now with two kids (four and 15 months) and what has she started to do??? Buy ALL of us clothes. I reminded her again when she brought over her giant sized GAP bag filled with clothes, I do not want her buying me clothes. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Of course she brushed it off and left the clothes here. I ignored them in a giant heap on a chair all day until I had to look through them and put them away. When I reached the bottom of the stack I found the two tops she had gotten me. While standing alone in my daughters room, I knew I was going to have to look at the tag to see what size she got me. Tears formed in my eyes. The pit of dread came up in my stomach and throat. Ugh. When I went to look, for the first time EVER, she had cut out ALL the tags indicating size. While she crossed my boundary, it felt like she FINALLY heard something I said.
Baby steps.
This is actually a bit beautiful. She shouldn’t have crossed your boundary but cutting out all the tags made my heart melt a little. She got it (at least a little bit).
I definitely had mixed feelings of happiness and disappointment. When I saw the tags were cut out, I started to cry because it felt like for the first time ever she heard me and put it in action. ♥️
I had the same thought. Amazing that she heard this. Even if she’s implementing it in not quite the right way.
I’m six months into the Non-Diet journey.
The first three months were an emotional roller coaster with me constantly feeling like I was about to say screw this, I’m going to try and shrink my body again. But then things started to smooth out.
I’ve had the realization that fat is like gold to my body- it treasures it and is using it to build itself back up after five decades of weight cycling. It may hold onto it forever. I’ve decided to trust my body and work with it instead of against it.
The best part of it all is that I no longer hate myself.
The hardest part is seeing and feeling all the fat-shaming everywhere.
But it’s getting better all the time. I don’t panic when I see myself in the mirror and I don’t concoct weight loss schemes.
Still feel like I have a long way to go before I feel comfortable and healthy and strong. But I’m patient now.
Peace to all.
LOVE fat is gold to our bodies.
I am not having the greatest week. Last week I unexpectedly had a breast biopsy for some weird skin changes - the range of outcomes is from eczema to a relatively rare cancer, so yay? - and not unrelatedly I ended a relationship with a guy I'd been seeing for the last couple months. Still haven't gotten the biopsy results, so that is weighing on me... plus I just feel a little sad and lonely, even though ending the relationship was 1000% the right move. On top of which I am having an allergic reaction to SOMEthing inside my house that is make my eyes red and puffy and so itchy that I would like to claw them out. Just feeling whiny and tired and over it all.
Windy and tired sounds like a super reasonable way to feel in this shit week you are having. Not that feelings ever have to be reasonable. I am also hoping for normal biopsy results.
Ugh, good luck to you.
Waiting for stressful news is just exquisitely awful. Hope you can do something fun/relaxing/whatever you need this weekend.
You get to be whiny and tired. I’m hoping your biopsy shows something on the lower end of the terrifying spectrum.
Exactly! Whiny and tired is a mild response to all this stimuli
This week has been full of yin and yang. I’m leading a HUGE project at work. I’m incredibly passionate about it and it’s exciting but it also means I’m BUSY. We’re talking double booked throughout the day with back to back meetings but also needing to get actual work done…so I worked 40 hours easily in 4 days.
I work at Amazon and layoffs in my org were leaked to the press, they happened Tuesday. My entire team of 28 was not affected. I know people who were affected though.
Through a work slack channel called “Taylor Swift Fans” I was able to get tickets to a concert in LA and the woman who bought them is now totally a friend and we’re excited to go to the concert together. I didn’t even know she existed until Tuesday.
My partner is out of town for work this week. I don’t really mind that, my kiddo is 14 and pretty self sufficient and I like the alone time. I did have to take meetings from the car as I got her to climbing practice.
My birthday is tomorrow and I LOVE MY BIRTHDAY! I took today off and I’m having a day filled with things I love to do. Massage followed by a private stretching session, lunch with close friends, then we’re going to the Wintry Market (local makers all in one place. It’s 2 days every holiday season and it’s like a not tacky craft fair of beautiful things). We’re going right when it opens at 3 to hopefully miss the crowds. Then I’m getting my gel polished removed and redone with a fun design. Tomorrow, on my actual birthday I’m going to the farmers market, getting a tattoo 😍 (of a California poppy since both me and my daughter were born in CA) and then a fancy dinner with my husband and daughter.
Sunday I have zero plans to recover from my birthday extravaganza! Oh but I’ll need to start making sourdough for thanksgiving.
A very busy week. Mostly all wonderful things and I’m incredibly fortunate and grateful. Mixed in with some harder stuff but not that hard. I’ve had many reminders this week of how truly fortunate I am. 💜
I'm obsessed with Midnights right now. I can't get Anti-Hero out of my head! Can't believe you scored tickets!
I think it’s the best album of any artist in a long long time. I adore it. 💜
Happy Birthday!
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday. Your plans sound delightful.
Thank you all!!!!!!!
Yesterday I went to New York City, which I haven’t been doing much over the past few years, even though I used to work there and spend a huge amount of time there. And I could feel the diet culture tightening its grip around me like some terrible dress made of non-stretch material. It was kind of a lot. Especially since right now I am the fattest I have ever been, and my body at this size hasn’t spent much time in NYC and I didn’t know how it was going to react. And these days I’m rarely wearing makeup and think of “hard pants” as a real concession to the idea of “looking put together.” And there’s a lot of tension between my desire to rebel against those strictures and my desire to conform to them.
Oh god yes, NYC is such a diet culture minefield.
I’ve been struggling with clothing myself as well. I’m also at my highest weight ever. Recently I put together an outfit in which I felt comfortable and “pretty” (not the exact word but something like that) - then caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror while shopping and felt the opposite. What is this witchcraft? I do not yet know.
I am not doing great. While I'm thrilled that most of the country dodged the so-called "red tsunami" the election results in Iowa, where I live, were abysmal. I'm genuinely scared for what it will be like as a queer trans disabled Jew here, with our awful GOP leaders determined to make it heard to be any one of those things, let alone all of them. Plus, having lost my niece in May (today would have been her birthday), I know this holiday season is going to be brutal.
I'm grateful for a long weekend, and a short week next week, and I just launched my Etsy shop making resin and polymer clay Judaica. Making time for making brings me so much joy.
Sending love. And yes share your Etsy shop!
Here it is! I'm hoping to get a lot more listings up over Thanksgiving break: https://www.etsy.com/shop/YarocDesigns
We’d love to have your Etsy shop link if you want to share?
https://www.etsy.com/shop/YarocDesigns
“Making time for making brings me so much joy” - well said. Thank you for that reminder as the same is true for me and I’ve been in a bit of funk lately. Need to do some “making”!
May your niece's memory be a blessing. Deep sympathies from Georgia about your election results.
I'm so sorry about your niece, and about your truly horrifying state government. I have a 7yo trans daughter, and I feel so grateful to live in a state where I know her rights are safe, but so enraged and sick and watching what's happening across the country.
I hope you can find peace and safety.
Reading through everyone's comments, I'm so grateful for Virginia for creating this space for people to share and be validated and not judged.
Everything's kind of a mixed bag here. I had an annual physical on Wednesday, which confirmed that I'm officially prediabetic -- a genetic bear that's been stalking me since my twenties (maybe even my teens). My doctor was a marvel, though, and immediately suggested medication with "lifestyle changes" as an afterthought that felt like it was because he gets a lot of "But I want to fix this naturally" pushback and he agrees that my lifestyle is fine! Great, even! (Not trying to perform "good fatty" here [and I'm a small fat]) I am so grateful to him for not getting weird when I cried, and for telling me very directly that it's not because of anything I did, and not something I could have prevented, then offering to refer me to the clinic's counselor. Good doctors are out there!
BUT I'm now having to think more about food than I want to, and I'm gearing up to go home for Thanksgiving, and am rehearsing conversations with my mom about my weight -- she's been telling me since I was a (size 2) teen that I need to be thin to avoid diabetes, because I "am built like" my dad and his mom. Since my dad was diagnosed about 15 years ago, she began ramping it up, until I melted down to my dad in my dark, gross basement laundry room about her diet culture pressure (she's immobilized due to Parkinson's, and is thrilled that she's the thinnest she's ever been...).
I'm practicing saying, "My doctor and I agree that weight gain is a symptom, not a cause, and I'm not going to talk about this," and hoping not to get in any big fights -- the pressure to make the most of one of maybe 5 or 6 Thanksgivings I have left with her is big. Also, my husband is out of the country right now, and has to stay home for work and can't go with us over the break, so that sucks.
I'm so grateful for my dad, and hate watching him plagued by caregiver stress (take care of yourselves out there, caregivers. I know it's so hard). My kids are awesome and we talk about these things pretty openly (and I loved Thursday's podcast).
Editing this to add: Even if my weight *is* a cause not a symptom, still not her business and doesn't mean I've failed at anything or am a bad person.
Whew, that was long. The good news is, I feel great today -- more energy than I've had in months. I don't know if it's getting more sleep, or the blood sugar stabilization, or solar flares, and I don't care. I'll take it, and wish I could send some to everyone here.
It sounds like you are doing a beautiful job figuring out what you need and what boundaries will help, will also keeping your connection to both your parents centered. And that is so so much!! Kudos.
It’s thanks in large part to you and this community, so thank you!!!
just to offer a counter perspective - i am diabetic and i was worried i would have to change how i see food and i ... didn't have to! i take medications that control my blood pressure and continue to eat as i did before!
Yes, thank you! That's why I am glad my doctor supported medication, and why I'm taking it now. I keep reminding myself he did that in part because the way I am eating is ... totally fine! Navigating the hellscape of every single piece of information about diabetes screaming to lose weight is not something I should be doing with my time. "My doctor and I agree that weight gain is a symptom, not a cause." Thanks for the reminder.
I really appreciate hearing how your doctor handled it. I’ve heard so many horror stories, it’s good to hear a real-life version of how it “ought” to be.
“Weight gain is a symptom, not a cause. And even if it were the cause of something, it’s not anyone’s business.” I’m just restating that so it gets in my brain. I am still struggling with feeling apologetic, which implies I did something wrong, and that is not the case. (I almost believe it)
If you feel like you would like some extra resources, the Seldcare4Diabetes programme has really helped me. It’s a non diet HAES aligned programme, and the 2 women who run it are just the best.
I was at Orangetheory the other day and while waiting for class to start, a woman said “so, how are you feeling?” I thought she was asking because we had done a hard workout the day before and I said “a little sore, how about you?” Then she said “oh, I meant when are you due?” I am not pregnant and had actually been thinking that morning that I was looking super strong. Sigh. When I told her I am not pregnant, she said “oh, really?” and then stared at me for an awkwardly long time. This happens to me frequently and I’m just so over having people discuss my body when I am trying to exercise and do my thing.
ICYMI, here’s my take on Mistaken For Pregnant. https://virginiasolesmith.substack.com/p/mistaken-for-pregnant
(Also: You can look pregnant AND look/be super strong. But fuck people who talk about other people’s bodies.)
Yes 100%. definitely didn’t mean to contribute to diet culture-y ideology with that comment!
Yes I love this! I’ve read it some of the other times people have asked me…
"Oh, really?" WTAF is that response. Grr. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'll bet you did look super strong!
I have a friend who was at the store with her toddler, and when asked when she was due, burst into tears and wailed, "15 months ago!" I've been storing that response up for the last 9 years (age of my youngest) in case I ever need it.
DO NOT COMMENT ON OTHER PEOPLE'S BODIES. PERIOD!
I have TWICE been asked if I am pregnant when I wasn't, and I am a straight-sized person. I decided to be charitable towards these people, even though they were commenting on my body when they were not asked to: I decided that, for whatever reason, they very badly needed to see someone carrying a baby as a symbol of hope and cuteness, and that they also desperately needed something to make small talk about. Also, they're just idiots. Also, you probably DID look super-strong!
What a [glassbowl] (which all the Carolyn Hax advice column readers will recognize as a rhyming euphemism--I love it).
I still remember being asked years ago how far along I was. I was straight-sized at the time, wearing a dress I thought I looked really cute in. The woman who asked it was a clerk in a nice women's clothing store.
I looked straight at her and said, "I'm not, and I have miscarried in the past, and you should never assume someone is pregnant."
She apologized and--amazed at myself that I thought fast enough to push back hard and immediately, which is not my reflex--I left without buying anything, thinking, "Great sales technique there, lady."
Then I second-guessed myself because I didn't owe her the miscarriage story but it just popped out because it had been painful being asked repeatedly about a pregnancy that I wanted that had ended even though I was no longer in that moment.
Writing about this now it just got laid up in my memory alongside someone not believing a woman's story about how total strangers come up and touch your body when you're pregnant, which I also had happen to me more than once.
How is that our bodies are not just Our Own Bodies--not for touching, not for commenting on, not for judging, not for regulating?! [unclenches jaw, moves pinky away from CAPS LOCK key where it very much wanted to go]
the absolute worst! I hope you managed to enjoy your workout after that!
Outrageous!
I’ve been actively hating my job for awhile now, and with the time change I just cannot muster the energy to do much of anything. I need a sabbatical from everything.
A sabbatical from everything! Yes! (Although part of me thinks this means we are probably burned out…in all areas of life).
Hoping for o a better work situation for you soon.
I’m so sorry. Hating your job is soul-sucking.
We're...okay? I really do feel like a literal embodiment of the "this is fine" meme. I spent my day yesterday driving from the Toronto area to Buffalo to buy as much infant and children's pain and fever medication as I responsibly could (i.e. making sure there was still tons for local folks, which meant going to 15-20 stores) for 25+ families in our neighbourhood. Shelves are bare across Canada and EVERY kid is sick and parents are freaking out.
Part of the reason I could spend the day doing that is because my kid is not sick, because we're pulled him from school and are now homeschooling him, because COVID is everywhere and all the kids who got COVID earlier in the fall have really bad RSV now and we just can't risk it with our existing disabilities and knowledge of how much long COVID would SUCK. So that's another giant flame in the everything is burning fire.
But human brains are also good (at least mine is!) at plugging along even as the world is burning, so we're still doing things like putting up the Christmas lights and baking cupcakes and making soup to drop off for friends who have new babies. And that stuff is nice and makes the world feel like a place I still want to keep fighting for, so we keep moving forward. It helps that I'm now part of a non-profit that's bringing legal action against our provincial government for refusing to put any pandemic protections in place in schools--feeling like I'm doing something is essential!
The waves of sickness right now are triggering and terrifying. But hooray for cupcakes and new babies and fighting for a better world.
Love reading all of these! The interview about Luna brought tears to my eyes and has given me so much to think about about the way I care for children in my family medicine practice. What a lovely family -- so grateful they were willing to share their story. ❣️
Yay! We need more doctors supporting kids in bigger bodies!
Hello. I’m…okay?
My husband (only 48) had a mini stroke in august, and we’re just starting to deal with the weirdness of that, my 17 y.o. son was diagnosed with celiac and broke his foot (possibly related), and I am having a hysterectomy in a couple weeks. And it’s coming up on the 2nd anniversary of my best friends death from Covid.
Other than that I did try out an excellent new coffee shop in my funky neighborhood and make myself pumpkin pancakes for breakfast. And I live in Michigan and am thrilled at the election results!
So…all things considered? Pretty okay.
Hooray for okay, given all the givens!
I was diagnosed with celiac at 18. I promise it gets easier! And the gluten free landscape is light years better than it used to be.
Thanks, I have celiac as well so he’s eaten mostly gluten free at home for a long time. It’s just an adjustment going out with friends for him and such, but yes, it’s sooo much better than it used to be!
The socializing part is definitely the hardest! I completely empathize with that
Wow, that is a lot to handle! Okay is spectacular.
I'm in Charlottesville, Virginia and there was a shooting at UVA on Sunday night that is rocking our community. I find myself feeling tender and angry (especially as the Republicans get ready to take over the House and do nothing but bogus investigations instead of using their power to SOLVE SOME FUCKING PROBLEMS) and worried as hell about everybody. I did a post on my newsletter about bullying and how important kindness and inclusion is but damNAtion it feels like swimming upstream.
So so sorry. That is horrendous and scary and JUST SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING.