So. Puberty.

[Elizabeth M. Johnson]

White girl child mom, whose kiddo is exactly at the 9.7 months number cited above, getting breast buds. (Also: Is this a weird--kind of pretty?--term or what?). Younger 4th grader. The other girls (we know they are girls since they publicly identify this way) in her class are *more* developed than my kid is, the girls of color much more so and earlier. I know this is early development is a thing but it is still shocking to me as someone who was a VERY late developer. My kiddo seems fine with where she is at. She still loves her AG dolls and stuffed animals, snuggling with me and she is very much still a little kid. That said, she has a boatload of books about changing bodies, consent, healthy relationships, puberty content in general. No real resources to add but I will say that I was nowhere near as confident and outspoken as she was when I was her age, let alone puberty adjacent. A boy in her class told her to shut up and she said she wouldn't. That girls and women are told to shut up too often and she was going to talk. Maybe puberty will be less traumatic for her because she is bolder than I was, has a parent that is available ANY TIME and sex/bodies are not stigmatized / made to feel shamed about in our home? I can hope. Thanks for this space, Virginia.

[Debi Lewis]

Both I and my daughters (now 16 and 19) went through puberty between 11 and 12 or so, which felt appropriate to all of us. I had been especially touched by the episode of Roseanne (who I know is problematic now) where her middle kid, Darlene, gets her first period. Darlene was very athletic and her big sister was much more traditionally feminine and into clothes & makeup, and Roseanne catches Darlene throwing away all her sports equipment because now she's "a woman." In the scene I love, Roseanne pulls Darlene aside and tells her that all of that sports stuff is a woman's stuff if a woman likes it, and that she can be what ever kind of woman she wants. Then she describes menstruation as being a part of the whole of nature, seasons and tides and all that, and says that for her, the best part of being a woman who menstruates has been that it brought her children.

I loved that scene, so when each of my daughters had their first periods, I set up a private evening ritual for the two of us where we watched it, I lit a candle, chose a poem to read, and had some really fancy chocolate together. We talked about options for managing their periods and I promised we would try all the things that sounded interesting and wouldn't worry about wasting what didn't work out. I also used that moment to tell them that even though I wanted children and they both said they did, too, it would be fine if they didn't have any for whatever reason, and that there were a lot of women who led exciting lives they loved without kids. I didn't want them ever to associate this moment with any expectations. I hope because of this that my daughters have a nice memory of menarche.

One daughter went on afterward to have horrible, horrible cramps for years, landing her in the hospital twice before she finally went on birth control. That daughter lives in a bigger body and seems to have a good time dressing herself to show off her curves, stands up for body positivity, and happily led the charge to refuse weigh-ins and BMI checks in gym class in middle school. The other daughter lives in a very small body (full grown at 4'9" and slender) and because of sensory issues has a lot of strong preferences about clothing. She doesn't seem to derive as much pleasure from dressing herself as her sister does, and she's very bitter about being that short. So, in this family, the child with the body that the world tells us (falsely!) is less desirable is far more confident about it than the one who lives in a thin body.

That's a lot! I didn't realize I had so much to say about puberty!

[Abby]

Hi! First, I’m a huge fan of you, your writing, and this newsletter. I’m 25 and don’t have kids, so here’s my experience with puberty, which I’m considering adapting into an essay for my Patreon:

I started noticing I was getting boobs in second or third grade. I guess I knew in my heart that it was puberty, but I didn’t get my period until I was 12, so it was a bit of a mystery. I’m sure this is a common reaction, but I hated it. My friends would make fun of them and I lived in fear of comments about my boobs that had arrived too soon. I then gained a ton of weight. Over the course of about 6 months, I went from the same size as my peers to full-on fat. I did not understand why. It seriously happened so fast. I now know I have PCOS and the puberty onset is fairly common. Right as I was getting fat, I started growing hair in normal puberty places and also PCOS-only places, and I’ve always associated those things with one another even before I knew they were connected (probably because my dad is fat and hairy and people were constantly telling me how much I looked like him, but I’d like to think I could divinely sense my PCOS. I also have a lot of internalized antisemitism around this). I felt very masculinized by the hair, feminized by the boobs, and masculinized by the fatness, which was confusing and horrible. I’m a cis woman and have only ever wanted to be a woman, and I felt like that was being ripped from me but also forced on me in a way that was somehow bad and desexualizing, like how our culture views older women and mothers. It did not help that I was suddenly cast as either a man or a mother in every school play.

Anyway, to their credit, the adults in my life didn’t immediately freak out and put me on diets until I asked them to, and when I brought it up they said it was normal for people in our family to have a fat phase and I’d grow out of it in a few years (I’m fat to this day and have never been smaller than a size 10, LOL). I asked to go on my first diet when I was 10, at the beginning of 5th grade. In hindsight, I think it took me about 6 months to realize I was fat, and I only realized it because of media. I was very lucky to not immediately be bullied for it at school, although there were some comments. It was peak obesity epidemic times, so I was very quickly made aware my body was a 1) problem 2) disease and 3) menace to society.

Honestly, I am still to this day unpacking my relationship with puberty and sex and how that is entwined with being fat. As soon as my body started developing, I basically just decided I didn’t want to have a body. I felt like my puberty was so obvious (and it was) because it made me so much fatter, like all my friends and classmates were these tiny cute kids and I looked like this monstrous gorilla next to them. I wasn’t even bullied badly and it was still horribly, horribly traumatic. And for years, I didn’t even identify as having hit puberty early because I didn’t get my period until I was 12, which seemed to be right around when most of my friends did. It was just like the final touch, the icing on the cupcake of puberty, whereas I think for a lot of my friends getting their periods came first. I feel like my fatness and early puberty cut my childhood short, and to this day I feel robbed of those extra years of it, since I’m very lucky and had a great childhood until I got fat.

I’m not sure what kind of education could make puberty less traumatic. Maybe if I’d been aware of PCOS it would have helped, but maybe it would have just made me feel like a freak. I did see one school puberty talk video that talked about weight gain at puberty, but I thought that didn’t apply to me because I had gained weight years before getting my period. Honestly, destigmatizing fatness/weight gain and not linking it to personal responsibility for a 10-year-old child who probably has no control over what they eat anyway would have done the most for me. But even aside from that, I think my particular psychology made puberty unbearable. I was the kid who wanted to be a princess, and suddenly all I could be seen as was like, a bridge troll. Especially as a kid who wanted to be an actor, how I saw myself was profoundly impacted by media and stories and how I was cast in school plays, so the last thing I’ll say is I think addressing fatphobia and puberty, or hopefully both together, in kids media is incredibly important. Shrek and Hairspray came out when I was a kid, and honestly, thank god they did! In fact, I literally now host a podcast named after the lead character of Hairspray called More Than Tracy Turnblad, as a reference to how she was the only positive portrayal of myself I saw growing up. Sorry for the trauma dump and thanks for reading if you read it! I hope it’s helpful and I’m happy to answer any more questions.

[Sara with an H]

I’d say that while my kid got her period at 12, the body changes started around 10. “Luckily,” this was also the grade where they taught what the “average” weight for kids their age was—perfect timing :(

Because my kid didn’t weigh 80 lbs, which is what the entire grade was told they should weigh, she spiraled for a bit. We had to talk about what average means in the first place and why there’s no pre-determined weight milestone that determines whether she’s “right” or not. People have different bodies! Can we NOT teach things like this in 4th grade???

I will also add that I’m really impressed by how kids her age (13) accept and encourage all kinds of differences and speak out against all kinds of -isms they see. HOWEVER, anti-fat bias is still rampant. I see kids call out peers for mimicking a teacher’s accent but then turn around and make comments about someone’s size. We still have a lot to do.

[Leilani Kritzinger]

Four kids ages 17-10. We cracked wide open the conversations with family read alouds of “What’s Happening to my Body” - reading the “for boys” and “for girls” sections concurrently so everyone knows everything about all the bodies with regards to development. The books are not strong on gender and sexuality spectrum, gender dysphoria, or female/body pleasure, but otherwise they are the best out of all the (many) books we’ve trialled. Probably started with the younger version (“Ready Set Grow”) when the oldest was about 8 (and had been growing hair since 7). The kids love the “Cartoon Guide to Sex” and reread it regularly. Definitely NSFW. My oldest told me yesterday that it was remarkably forward thinking for being published in 1999. 😂 The thing we’ve loved most, though, has been the Puberty (Puberten) videos from Norway’s NFK. Hilarious, with real, hairy, naked people in various states of development. It’s so matter of fact, so blessedly normalizing. We watch it (by kid request) at least once a year because it never gets old. I have recommended it to every parent I know with whom puberty or sex education has come up (and to my friends w/o kids for the joy of it) and exactly none of them have shown it to their kids because it’s too…I don’t even know…real? Accurate? Normal? There isn’t much by way of diversity in body size or skin color, but the bodies still feel very much not like what you see on TV and “normal”. Can’t recommend highly enough. You can find it if you search on YouTube for “Norwegian sex education.” https://youtu.be/HyWRalwqq24

[Nicky]

Mom of just turning 13yo boy here. He was a very skinny kid and over the past couple years has thickened a bit. He is healthy and strong and growing, but he has definitely noticed that he is a little softer than his sports loving friends. For reference, both his father and I are mostly fit for mid-40s, and formerly pretty athletic. I also am a recovered bulimic with lots of body image baggage that I try super hard not to pass on.

Sometimes he says things like " I'm going to start eating less" or " How do I get a six pack, Mom?" I cry a little bit when I hear that. So far, I'm just telling him to eat as his body wants. "Listen to your body, it will tell you what you need." And telling him is he wants to move his body more, that is a good thing, but having a 6-pack as a goal is not great as everyone's body is different.

I would love to know more things to say to him. He is amazing, but 13 is tough. I'm sure the rest of the teen years aren't going to be any easier.

[Kasi Allen]

I had a really rough puberty, unfortunately, so read on at your own risk. I grew up in a violent evangelical home that I feel grateful to have escaped.

I started getting my breasts in 4th grade and that's the year my mom put me on my first diet. We never had conversations about bodily changes and I lived in a super conservative area with no sex ed, so I watched friends get their periods and wondered whether it would happen to me too. A teacher in 5th grade pulled me to the side and told me I needed to start wearing a bra and I was mortified. My mom was convinced that it was fat that I needed to lose and my dad started his decades-long accusations of sexual deviency. I did every diet my mom did throughout middle school and high school as my breasts far outpaced hers- Atkins, master cleanse, that one where you only eat tuna fish on crackers, that other one where you eat tons of cabbage. I was really active as a young kid, but I stopped participating in sports because of my insecurities about my body. I was hospitalized twice for malnourishment and had constant ulcers. These are obvious signs of abuse, but I was a mid-sized kid and nobody asked any questions. My period never came, and as hyper-focused my mom was on my body, she didn't notice that she never had to buy me pads. At 17, I went to my first gyno appointment on my own and the doctor let me know that I had hyperplasia; my uterine lining was growing as if I was shedding it, but I wasn't, which can lead to cancer. We jump-started my period (Not fun! Do not recommend!) with birth control that I hid from my parents. I'm no contact now, obviously, and I've done lots of work to heal my brain and my relationship with my body, but you couldn't get me to relive a single day of that time for all the money in the world.

I'm a children's librarian, and because of what I went through, I'm hyper-cognizant of how people treat kids with developed breasts differently than other kids. I would love to hope that mine was the worst puberty of all time, but I know that it wasn't (I'm white and straight sized, so there was a ton of privilege outside of the home) so I try to make the experience of existing in a pubescent body as painless as possible in my establishment (lots of libraries have a smell rule! You smell bad- you have to leave. It's discriminatory against unhoused populations and pubescent kids!) and buy all of the materials I wish I'd had at that age.

[D.L. Mayfield]

hey, I'm a parent to a larger-sized kid who is 11 and developing breasts. Puberty for us has mostly been about the WILD mood swings. totally wild. back to toddler years level, just this time happening at night. One awesome thing is that my kid is growing up very aware of fatphobia and how stupid it is, and she is an avid graphic novel fan and there is some awesome representation of fat girls that she is obsessed with! She LOVES seeing and pointing out body diversity in almost any media, and she is so excited that the world could eventually stop being fatphobic. She truly inspires me.

[elise]

Why is it that Puberty is still considered this amorphous thing - like Menopause - and we don't get real about the hormonal changes at these stages of life and their specific impacts? My daughter is 18 now. We found "Adolescent Medicine" through a circuitous path at the right time - but then again maybe a bit too late. I found her AM doctor did a far better job than a pediatrician of asking questions and answering her questions directly that was empowering. It took the mystery out of the physical changes that my daughter was shy about. She was also infinitely better equipped than our pediatrician at having a healthy conversation about weight, food and body. I strongly recommend Adolescent Medicine as a strategic partner for helping kids navigate puberty.

Thank you for your research and everything you are writing about Virginia.

[Holly Genovese]

Oh my god my puberty was A LOT. I started puberty around 8 (shout out to my Elmo bra) and remember trying to look at other kids boobs to see if anybody had any close to mine. I got my period at 10, at the circus. Thankfully we had recently learned about periods in class. My mom and I were both awkward so she did shove a book about puberty under my bedroom door but there was no talking. One time she did take me to the razor section of the store and told me to pick one (5th grade). I learned quickly that body hair was especially unacceptable something I’ve been unlearning as an adult. By the time I was in 7th grade, I had DD boobs (and was 4’10). For years boobs and hair were all consuming/ eventually people caught up a little bit and I got more focused on my weight (ugh) but early puberty was very hard especially because I am a small child person. My mom did her best but just didn’t know what to do. The worst was when I stayed at dad’s because I refused to tell him or anyone else about my period so I hoarded pads all year for the summer trip. Also I read the TSS article in seventeen and wouldn’t wear tampons so oceanography camp was rough. Ughhhh never again

[Oona Hanson]

When we're talking about parenting and puberty, I think it's helpful to remember that kids are often hitting puberty right around the time their grown-ups are entering middle age. It can be a perfect storm of hormonal and physical body changes (and, of course, the peer comparisons don't end after the 4th grade). So I think parents/guardians need support around their own body changes, too--it's pretty tough to be a kid entering puberty when you're hearing your grown-ups bemoan weight gain, clothes fitting differently, and other body changes (skin, hair, etc.)--and taking steps (and spending $$$) to try to stop or reverse those changes. Honoring and even celebrating the fact that BODIES CHANGE could go a long way toward helping all of us!

Also, I saw folks recommending books to ease this process, and I wanted to share one thing. The otherwise wonderful "Celebrate Your Body" books by the brilliant Sonya Renee Taylor contain some pretty standard but deeply problematic language around food. It really broke my heart to discover that. For families who have those books, I think it can be a great conversation-starter to ask daughters what they think about the food advice and then clarify any questions or confusion kids may have.

PS: I'm sure you've listened to The Puberty Podcast discussion of early and late bloomers?

[L Clarkson]

Shortly after I hit puberty my mother took me to a hospital endocrinologist for a full work up, because she was convinced there was something wrong w/ my metabolism. Because I wasn’t skinny like she was at that age. Wish more ppl understood not to necessarily expect their kids to have the same bodies as theirs. Talk about causing life-long trauma.

[MT15]

It is funny. I wasn't going to comment, just listen and then... so many of you started writing how traumatic it was to develop early- 3rd, 4th, 5th grade and my mouth dropped open. I cannot imagine developing that early. I think the onset of puberty has changed a great deal. I thought I was early and at the time I was. I am 57 this year. I developed full on in 6th grade when I was 11/12. I was THE ONLY ONE in my entire smallish school. The only one who had to wear a bra, the only one who had pimples, the only one who had her period. I was "teased" (the term the adults in the school, and my parents used) by the boys RELENTLESSLY. They would snap my bra strap on the playground, throw four-square balls at my chest when playing etc. etc. The girls stayed quiet, thankful that it wasn't them. I was also what everyone then referred to as a "tom-boy" (to this day I hate that term) so I got into a lot of fist fights with boys b/c of their horrific behavior. (I would actually beat the poop out of them) The solution by the school was to pull me out of class everyday for 3 weeks and have me go into the grade above me to sit in on their puberty film/class. I would then meet with a teacher/mentor and learn how to deal with my emerging womanhood, which in literal terms meant that I needed to learn how to stop drawing attention to my breasts and stop getting into fist fights with boys. They were blaming me and humiliating me all at the same time. It was an Evangelical school. I learned a lot about organized religion at that school. I also learned how not to treat girls who are routinely being sexually assaulted on your play ground.

[Rachael]

White mum here, with white children. My girl started puberty at 6.5, and was put on puberty blockers at 7.5. Its been SO hard. She hates what has happened to her body,hates looking different, is intensely embarrassed about her breast development and is genuinely very distressed about the entire concept of puberty, despite our very open approach. We are a larger sized family, although before puberty hit this did not apply to my daughter. I identify as small fat, and right from early days we have worked very hard to foster understanding that all bodies are good bodies, we come in all shapes and sizes, weight does not equal health etc. Recently I have begun to invite her and her 10 y/o brother to think critically about images they see in print and online- what sort of bodies do they see? What is missing? Why is a thin and/ or white body valued over another? I want two things: for them to be armoured in a world that devalues their body shape, for them to ‘see the matrix’ so they can have some protection against the relentless diet culture that already shows itself in their lives, and secondly for our home to be a safe haven from diet culture in all its forms. Early puberty has made this so difficult

[Amanda]

I have a 10-year-old daughter who has little breasts and pubic hair and while she is not pumped about either, she talks about them with me all the time. She has some little bras just in case she ever feels like it would be more comfortable, but I try to be super laid back about it. I've shared that if running or moving starts to feel uncomfortable or too bouncy (haha) or anything, that a bra is a tool to support that, but otherwise she doesn't have to wear anything she doesn't want to. We talk about periods all the time. The other day my girls (the younger is 7) were asking about urethras, so I suggested that the next time they're alone in their rooms or the bath/shower exactly how they could take a look around at things to see and they both were like "oh duh, we do that all the time" and it opened up a great conversation about exploring your body and really knowing what it looks like, etc. It led into a good conversation about consent, etc. I love these meandering conversations around puberty.

Something her doctor shared with me at her last check-up is that girls can start cycling hormonally with the adult female in their household up to TWO YEARS before they actually start menstruating. So that cycle-syncing we knew would eventually happen where you're both PMSing together and want to murder each other happens TWO YEARS BEFORE THEY EVEN GET THEIR PERIODS. So watch out, mamas.

[Emily]

Woof, puberty is rough. I started getting boobs in I think third grade? Had dark, thick body hair for which I was mercilessly bullied by fifth and got my period at 10. I was a little chubby, but because I hit puberty before everyone else in my (vast majority white) school I was also bullied for being fat and having acne through middle school and into high school. It didn't help that there was a heavy focus on sports in my school and I am not coordinated at all, for which even the gym teachers gave me shit (turns out poor proprioception is pretty common in kids with EDS) so movement was a form of torture.

I spent most of my tween and teen years straddling a really uncomfortable line between being called out for being bigger/more developed than my peers and also seeking sexual approval from boys so...yeah. GOOD TIMES.

I do not have kids, but I am so heartened to see my friends' kids still being KIDS at the same age I was starting to obsess about my body and sex and all that.

[Sara]

In one month, the August before 6th grade, my parents filed for divorce and my dad moved out, I turned 11, and I got my first period. I'd been on the early side of development and I'd been excited about getting my period - I really wanted to be older. But despite being told that menstruation would be erratic and spotty for the first year, I immediately had regular, long, heavy periods. It felt like I spent half of every month of 6th grade totally consumed by the fear of leaking through a pad at school or having someone see me with a pad on the way from my locker to the bathroom. I'd always had a healthy appetite but I was suddenly ravenous, and I gained a lot of weight fast (and then lost most of it even faster). To her credit, I don't remember my mom saying a word about my size or how much I was eating, even though I'm sure it freaked her out. My kids are a ways away from puberty. My oldest is a trans girl, and I feel like we should start having conversations about the possibility of puberty blockers, etc. before she's right on the verge of puberty, but I'm not sure when the right time to start is. She's not asking many questions right now.

[The Standards Department]

I think about this a lot because I'm mom to a little boy (he's 4 now) but I grew up with a sister and attended an all-girls school from grades 7-12. So I have absolutely no idea what being around a boy going through puberty entails. My partner, who is a man, obviously does, but I also think he's blocked out a lot, as we do, and also he went through it in the late 80s which is going to be very different from our son going through it in the late 2020s/early 2030s, for better and for worse.

I definitely want to create a space that's a lot more welcoming to talking about puberty than the one I grew up in. I got books that explained puberty and sex and the subtext was read these if you want to know what's going on because no one's going to talk about it.

I was a very late bloomer - did not get my period until I was 14 (and my mom telling me that she didn't, either, was both sort of helpful and sort of not). I very suddenly grew six inches in a couple of months the summer between eighth and ninth grades and got my period in the middle of that, so it was all very confusing - my body felt entirely out of my control. I wasn't a super athletic kid but I had done swimming, diving, and gymnastics and suddenly lost every ounce of bodily control I had in all of them in one fell swoop with that growth spurt. No one told me that was normal or tried to help me work through it, so I quit sports. I had very painful periods that triggered fainting episodes, and was told that's just how it is for some people. I researched the Pill when I was about 16 and asked if I could go on it and my mom said no, the end. I didn't go on it until I was 22 and had my own health insurance and it was a revelation in terms of period control; I was so mad I'd been unable to try it as a teenager.

So I'm curious if my son will also be a late bloomer, and I really want to work on being open to his questions and letting him know he can talk to me anytime about anything. I want puberty to feel accessible to him, not like a closet of secrets.

[C MN]

I was among the early developers; I hit my adult height of 5'4" at 10 years old, began growing breasts at the end of 4th grade, and was menstruating by the start of 5th. I was the at 99th percentile for growth charts throughout my childhood.

Mostly I remember it being fun: I liked being a know-it-all and the other girls came to me to ask for advice on how to use menstrual products or whether bras were comfortable. But it did exclude me in some ways; I effectively had an adult woman's body with exaggerated hourglass curves by 14, which meant that nothing in Juniors fit me (especially then, in the heyday of extra-low cut where everything seemed to be made for women with little to no curvature). I already struggled to understand fashion, and that kicked me out entirely. I still remember trying to go shopping with friends and going to a rack that had stuff that would fit me (I was the size of a mathematically average woman, for context), and having a friend call me back because "what are you doing over there? That's where fat people shop". I didn't have the courage then to say that that was the size I wore.

[Katherine Taylor]

Child free and early/mid 20s, I didn't get my period until 13, or have any sort of chest growth (oh how the turn tables), but I went to a school that was majority non white, and had friends who had been in a "real bra" since 5th grade. I was actually bullied in gym class for having a bare chest/not wearing a bra in the locker room, so much so that I started to wear a camisole every day rather than have to deal with the taunting. It wasn't until I noticed that my best friend was wearing a bra start of 8th grade that I consistently starting wearing one. My mom had bought me a nice selection of training bras in 6th grade but I had exactly zero use for them. Looking back, I wonder how much of this had to do with the over sexualization of black children, and the fact that even pre teen pregnancy was a issue at my middle school.

[Liz B]

I have a 12 y/o brother-in-law (husband's parents adopted) who is just hitting puberty and is fat. MIL keeps saying she's glad he's finally hitting puberty because this is when boys "grow up and thin out." As if puberty isn't hard enough, I'm sure he's hearing this message that he's also supposed to magically get thin. I try to gently correct her when she says things like that, but woof.

[Anna TM]

I have an 8 year old (9 in June) in a larger body who I think is starting some pre-puberty (which I just recently learned is a real thing!) Mostly it’s mood swings, a bit of pubic hair growth and a slight change in body odor that I can’t connect to any hygiene issues so I’m assuming hormones. Because she’s in a larger body she looks like she’s developing breasts already but so far it appears to just be fat tissue and proper clothes are a big difference. Everything seems to be cut for tall and skinny so my short and fat kid is either in things too long but wide enough or properly long but too tight. Thank heavens for Target for making kid plus sizes - that’s been a lifesaver. We just started reading Sonya Renee Taylor’s brilliant book called Celebrate Your Body. It talks about everything that happens in puberty in a very body positive, no diet/weight talk way. I researched books extensively because I in no way wanted to introduce the idea that some bodies may be perceived as “wrong,” no matter how well intentioned. And I always intended to talk with my kiddo about all this because no one ever did with me and I went through puberty as a fat kid AND a newly arrived immigrant/new kid at school. That was a fun time. I want her to know what to expect and to have support.

[Hannah G.]

What I remember most about early puberty (ages 10-13) was the dichotomy between school versus public spaces. In school I was tall, fat, and hit puberty a bit before my peers (period at 11.5yr). Mentally, I was interested in boys and had innocent crushes, but the message I got all throughout middle school was that my body was a problem and no boy would possibly be interested in me. Outside of school I lived in a college town and began to be hit on around campus or catcalled while walking in a sundress. That attention felt confusing and weird. I think puberty would have been easier for me if someone would have had an honest conversation about how hard it was to be both desexualized and sexualized within the space of a day and how mental development isn't always in step with physical development. I imagine this is an issue that fat or early developing kids still deal with.

[Tara]

I have both a boy and girl. I have a ton of resources for my 10 year old girl - (we LOVE, No Weigh) but I'm having more trouble finding resources for my boy. He's 8 but has somehow already internalized enough masculinity to deny umbrellas, jackets, and hugs. He seems to have a lower self esteem than his sister did at his age. We use the book Growing Up Great by Scott Todnem for the mechanics of puberty. But I know cultural norms and standards affect him as well and I'm struggling to find an entry point because the perception is that the norms don't harm boys (they do) in the same way they harm girls. I would love material about eating disorders, bodily autonomy (I have to regulate the neighborhood girls all the time!) and navigating friendships both online and in person. I realize it's the same material at this age but getting my son to talk openly about how he feels is a different process.

[Lynn Steger Strong]

I think I've told you this before, but nothing was scarier among the runner girl set than the onset of puberty. Because I started high school at 12, I was considered an especially powerful asset on the cross country team bc puberty hadn't "slowed me down too much" yet. Lots of girls did everything they could to avoid it: the assumption being that all our ability to be fast had not to do with embracing and deploying our growing strength but maintaining enough lightness that we perhaps fly?

[Laina]

I'm Caucasian, 40, and have a like-skinned 9.75 year old in 4th grade who started developing breasts, pubic hair (this is what she has shared with me), etc. within the last year. She is the most developed out of any of her friends. Over the past 3 year years I have gotten her multiple age appropriate books on puberty, consent, friendships, relationships, confidence building, and how babies are made. I've tried really hard not to put any stigma around any of those topics, and she seems to feel comfortable coming to me with any feelings, observations, questions, etc, which I am so thankful for. She is not a fan of bras (which I can totally understand, and remember feeling when I first started wearing them too), but over time will at least put them on without my asking her to. Getting in the habit of putting on deodorant was also a bit of a challenge, but one she is now more consistent with. It's all about incorporating new things into the routine, and once done, it's not as daunting. I am so very grateful she hasn't been bullied, made fun of, or otherwise targeted in any way for a body that's different than most of her peers, as she is very sensitive and often shy, just like her Mama. She has quite a few excellent friends and I make it a point to provide nurturing play dates for them. I think this has helped her to feel safe and more comfortable with her peers over all too.

Although she has started talking about having crushes or noticing a boy at school is extra nice to her, she is very much still a child. She collects stuffies, plays with dolls, and loves to cuddle.

Great topic again Virginia!

[Ali]

Oh puberty! I am still cringing over my own and not feeling ready to address my daughters'. My oldest is 9 1/2. She *maybe* has breast buds just starting to form, but some days I think it's just my nervous anticipation telling me that. One of her 4th grade classmates has started menstruating so that was a big wake-up call for me. (We bought some period products just in case.) My daughter is quite tall and has always been at the higher percentile for weight, though I'm not sure anyone would describe her as fat. I grew up in a skinny body and became a small fat as an adult. So while weight and diet culture does worry me as she approaches adolescence, I'm way more concerned with her just being very knowledgeable about everything that's about to go down. My education came from one week of 5th grade sex ed class and a very brief "here's some pads and tiny calendar to track your period" talk from my mom.

We've been deliberately reading and talking about puberty for the last two years. The first book I gave her was The Care and Keeping of You, which is not bad, but not great either. I loathe the discussion of how to eat, which seems common in so many books about puberty. I also hate the messaging that while these things are normal, here's how to combat them (ie. acne). I get it, no one wants acne, but if the first messaging they get is how to prevent it, then it doesn't matter if it's normal; they should be actively avoiding it. Her first question upon reading the book was "what happens to boy bodies?" So we got some books about boys and puberty. Thankfully, more modern books address changes that any body can go through. Currently reading The Every Body Book, which is maybe my favorite so far. There is power in knowledge so I'm approaching puberty with all the educational resources for her. I want her to feel well equipped. I want to destigmatize puberty and bodies and sex and weight and all the things. I want her to feel comfortable talking about all of this with me (or another trusted adult).

I think the thing I struggle with the most is bringing her dad into the conversation. My own dad essentially ghosted me once I hit puberty. Though he didn't actually go anywhere, our relationship dissolved. I assume because he didn't have the capacity to relate to me as an adolescent female. I don't want that for my daughters so I'm working hard to encourage a stronger relationship between my girls and their dad so that they can survive puberty together. I think it would be really beneficial for kids to have access to adults of other genders to learn from and ask questions of. I think that would destigmatize a lot.

[Shannon Williams]

Literally yesterday I gave my just-turned-8-year-old daughter The Care and Keeping of You book by American Girl. I have a few quibbles with it, but overall it's an excellent, non-shaming, straightforward first look into puberty. Since I gave it to her last night, she hasn't put it down. I discovered there is a version for boy's as well, which I plan to give to my son (her twin brother). And with both books in the house (and them both being bibliophiles), I fully expect them to read them both at some point!

I like anything that can open up the conversation. I got my period at 11, among the earliest if not the first of my friends, and it was a completely taboo topic in my house. (Still waiting for a sex talk...) Would love to do the opposite of my upbringing in this sense, as much as I can.

[Sarah L.]

I'm child-free and 33 years old. I got my period very early (age 10) but remained short and rail thin all through middle, high school, and college. I was very self-conscious about not looking "womanly". This was amplified by the fact that I lived on the beach so being in a bikini all summer long was the norm. My body was constantly under a microscope. Also, modesty culture was a huge deal in my rural southern county and I really regret buying into all of that "purity is your worth as a woman" nonsense. It absolutely derailed self-discovery in terms of my body and my sexuality. I only had 3 boyfriends during this 10 year span of school and poured all my energy into them as a distraction for myself. This of course had disastrous results for me.

[Jaden]

I remember the puberty informational videos we watched in middle school mentioning that you would likely get your period over X age or 100 pounds. That became seared in my mind a because I was not ready to ‘grow up’ and it all felt so scary. So I was always freaked out when my weight went up, especially at an annual school physical when there’d be a 17 pound or so difference because I’d been growing so much in the past year.

[Holly S]

The book Celebrate Your Body and Thinx period underwear were game changers for my child getting their period at age 10 and having body changes at age 7/8!

[Beth]

Oof. My daughter (now 19) started puberty at 9 or so, and got her period at 10, almost 11. We had talked to her and normalized it, but damn, talking your 4th grader through taking pads to school is really rough.

She was and still is a very tall kid, and she stayed pretty thin, but she always looked years older than her friends, which has its own issues. She got freaked out when she gained weight at 18, which is a thing in our family (late puberty? Idk), but thank god for Gen Z and their body acceptance for the most part!

[Portia K.]

I started becoming aware of my *changing* body between 5th and 6th grade (elementary to middle school for me). 6th grade is around the time I stopped wanting to shop in the kid's section of the store and became interested in junior options. I had more opinions about what I wore and wanting to look fashionable/acceptable. I also have journal entries from 11 years old where I began secretly weighing myself and then feeling I was "getting fat" and interpreting that in a negative way. Not only do these journals break my heart over a decade later, but they offer tangible proof that I had internalized anti-fat attitudes at that age and believed being fat was a bad thing. I didn't take much action on those feelings at that point, but I did have spiraling self esteem throughout middle school. I started wearing a bra around 6th grade, deodorant, got my period on my 12th birthday, etc. with puberty changes. I didn't feel comfortable in my body as my hips widened and breasts developed. I remember visiting some cousins during middle school, and my aunt commented that I was "getting a booty." It wasn't said in a positive or negative way, but knowing that my body was being looked at and evaluated in some form was extremely upsetting for me.

During middle school, we also began changing for PE class and there was a lot of body comparison happening in the locker room. I was very self conscious and tried to change as discreetly as possible. There were also trends of tying your PE shirt with a hair tie to make it more formfitting as well. In 8th grade, I started dancing again after taking a couple of years off. Staring at myself in the mirror and seeing all of my classmates also did a number on my self esteem. I started a "healthy eating" journey that year, and we all know how that goes... Overall, my middle school journals are some of the saddest things for me, but it's helpful to hear it all in my own voice at the time. I was constantly vacillating between panicking about my weight and hating myself to trying to reassure myself that I wasn't "too big." Most of my attempts to console myself involved comparing myself to my friends and convincing myself my body was better than theirs, so my fragile self esteem was built on a shaky and judgmental foundation. As an adult, I've worked really hard to unto all of these beliefs and attitudes and I really don't want my future kids to struggle in this way.

[Liz K]

The research cited here is surely a bit dated, but I nearly forgot that I wrote a short piece about this topic for Ms. a number of years ago:

The Leap from Younger Puberty to Fat-Shaming

https://msmagazine.com/2010/08/12/the-leap-from-younger-puberty-to-fat-shaming/

[Leila H]

I grew a LOT starting at age 12 when I hit puberty. In 6th grade I was somewhere in the middle of the height range for girls, and by 8th grade I was the tallest girl in school and continuing to get taller. By 9th grade I was 6'1". So a lot of the puberty timeframe for me was being consumed with self-consiousness.

I started 9th grade tall and (relatively) skinny and by 10th grade was what some of the other girls in school referred to as "big". I still have issues with that word because I perceived that it was often a "nicer" way of saying fat. And for whatever reason boys generally did not express any interest in me other than occasionally laughing at my jokes, but I felt like I had zero chance of being seen as "hot" or "fine" (the preferred term in those days).

Long story short, I had a pituitary tumor, and I was lucky that a perceptive doctor suggested a growth hormone panel when I was 16 based on comparing my mom's height and mine during a routine visit (she's 5'6"). But between the constant weigh-ins and repeated questioning about various symptoms such as "any leakage from your breasts?" I felt DISGUSTING. My mom always told me it was great to stand out in a crowd and that she wished she was taller, AND she never weight-shamed me (though we did got on diets together and she still says she's "fat", which she is decidedly not), so I'm very thankful for that. It took me a long time to get over seeing myself as undesirable and honestly I'm still working on it.

[Lisa]

Hello everyone! I am a mom to an 8 year old boy, so I am not sure if this exactly pertains to puberty yet. However, recently after a bath he looked at himself in the mirror and said “mom I am fat”. My heart melted and froze at the same time. I grew up feeling fat was a bad thing my entire life and have been healing from all of that with this kind of work, which I absolutely love so much. I replied , that there are 8 billion people on the planet and everyone has a different body. All bodies are different. But this has been really bothering me, I feel like there is a much “better” or loving response! He was skinny until about a year ago. I blame myself that maybe it was due to the pandemic and a complete down shift in his physical activity or maybe simply just his body coming into his own. Any advice is much much appreciated. 💗

[Allison W]

We got my 9yo stepson the I'M A BOY, HORMONES! book about puberty that explains body odors, sperm, erections, etc. when he was 8. It is one in a series of age-based books for girls and boys. He and his dad read it together and have very frank conversations about their bodies. His dad was an "early bloomer" and my stepson seems headed in that direction as well. He's had the toddler-like outbursts that indicate hormonal surges. A friend of mine whose son is older and on the other side of puberty told me to think of those times just like temper tantrums—they will pass.

We struggle more with the ongoing conversation around diet culture and fatphobia, as we've started to hear the types of comments other people have noted re: "I want muscles," "I shouldn't have dessert tonight," "Do you think I'm fat?" Part of the reason I appreciate this community is that it helps me navigate those moments, but I do think we need more/better resources as we move through the tween years and into adolescence. And of course much of the literature, while so much better than any sex/health education we had in the eighties and nineties, is binary. We talk to my stepson about trans people and nonbinary people and he knows and is related to queer people. But those experiences aren't necessarily mainstreamed.

[Cassie Seiple]

Is it true boys get T surges multiple tomes a day? I’d love to learn more about that biology. I have a 12yo son & can already see some mood swings and bursts of energy.

[Lee Tilghman]

Child-free 32 year old here. I was a late bloomer and considered myself detached/worry-free about my body until I turned 16. 16 is when I began developing hips, breasts, and really "noticing" my body. It is also the age where I lost my virginity, wonder if that has anything to do with it? Anyways.. that is the year I started having disordered thoughts. My body was changing - as it should - and I was so not okay with it. My older sister was dieting, and was smaller than me, and that threw me into a tailspin. I was the younger sister, and was supposed to be small. So puberty was stressful, because I was no longer 'small' and was starting to take up space.

[May]

I wrote a long reply, but lost it. I am not white, but for all intents and purposes my kid is. She is 11 and 5’8, she grew 4 inches after she started her period and I grew 6 inches after I started mine, but there is this myth that girls don’t grow more than inch or at all after their period starts. I can’t tell you how many women told me kid was going to stop growing since she started her period, totally unasked for commentary. I Started at 10, so started prepping her at 9 and was happy that she started at 11 and it was seen as a natural event. I feel you need to check your research about when periods started a century ago, that study that 14 was normal was done on a small sample size of white British girls and if I remember correctly they were also a certain class I.e. not socioeconomically challenged in any way. There was a book that came out in the last 5 years if I remember correctly that pointed out if you looked at all races all over the world average age of periods had only changed by one year on average and mostly in certain races. I like reading your work, but don’t want to see you giving out false information because I found it harmful when I was growing up to be told my period was abnormal because I started at 10 only 1 kid in my school started earlier than me in a true early period, a white classmate at 7, we lived in a predominantly Mexican border town.

[k10bd]

I know this is late, and I just skimmed the replies, but I'm wondering if anyone can share what the deal with earlier and earlier onset of puberty really is? or was the white(?) American later onset the blip (see: Romeo and Juliet and etc)? It seems like what I have read on this really intersects with diet in a lot of ways: things about meat and dairy and gmos and hormones that all feel vague and amorphous to me.

Is this a scientific change? an historic one? not really one at all and there's always been such variety but we each internalize our own story so much that we missed it?

[Rachael]

I'm a trans non-binary person who was assigned female at birth. I began gaining more weight at the onset of puberty and developing as normal, but the experience of puberty was extremely traumatic. My body just felt like it was wrong it every way. That was when I began dissociating the majority of the time, but I had no way of understanding where the discomfort was coming from so I spent most of that time thinking it was because I was fat. It's been a struggle in my adult life to separate the two experiences. I got top surgery this past November and it's been a revelation, I am 100x more comfortable in my body.

I wish our culture was generally more open to conversations around bodies and gender. I feel like just having more information and access to gender affirming medical care when I was younger would have been a revelation for me. I spent so much time feeling uncomfortable and disconnected that it has taken a full decade to get even remotely close to feeling like a complete person.

[Diana]

I recommended www.amaze.org for all things early teen and up-- great videos on you name it, including gender identity, friendships, puberty, sex, rejection, and lots more.

I have a 12 year old girl who is square in the midst of puberty (no period yet). We talk and laugh about it all the time and I think my casual and fun attitude to it has really paid off as she tells me she feels good about her body and mostly seems interested and happy about the changes it is going through.

My issue is that with puberty has come quite a lot of weight gain-- APPROPRIATELY! I read somewhere they can gain as much as 40 lbs during puberty. But I notice my own internalized anti-fat bias come up, which I am working with so as not to put that on her. She loves to eat. I don't restrict her eating and she loves sugary sweet foods, who doesn't? There are lots of stereotypes about teenage boys eating huge amounts, that's seen as normal, but teen girls do too! When I remind myself of that I relax a bit. Also food for her (like so many of us) has been a coping mechanism for these Covid years. Anyway, I am daily trying to work on myself to not say a WORD about her body and to celebrate bodies of all sizes, including my own menopausal body. Grateful for this community!

[Courtney Wilton]

My daughter is 2.5 so thankfully we are a bit away from puberty here but I resonate with so many of the comments around my own experience of puberty. I started developing around 10years (didn't get my period until 12 and a bit) and was in a body that was larger than my peers. I felt uncomfortable having breasts when no one else did, having to wear a bra etc. It also felt as is if this was all taboo and no one spoke about it. I'm Australian and I never had sex ed or puberty talks at school and my mother was very closed off about it (I read Are you There God, it's me Margaret and that introduced me to periods so of course I was very inquisitive and asked my mother about what that meant, she was horrified and said she would tell me later, cue her giving me a booklet and that was it). I swore then and there that if I ever went on to have children, that their experience would be different.Also through my adolescence I continued to live in a larger body and was never told that this is usual, that those born in females body tend to gain weight in certain areas, instead I was told to go on diets and eat less food, move more etc. I feel as if puberty was a turning point for me in that I became very uncomfortable in my body that didn't conform to social norms (my school even had to make special uniforms for me, that was incredibly humiliating) and was never even given the basic education of what puberty means etc. I am very open with my daughter about my period (who gets any bathroom privacy when you have a toddler!) and will have open dialogue with her about whatever she wants to know or discuss as am so aware of what it feels like to grow up in a house where certain topics are taboo. I love the idea of it being celebrated and having a special ritual when it happens rather than hiding it and (unintentionally perhaps) causing shame. I can only speak from my experience in Australia but I work in a high school and there is minimal education around the pivotal journey that is puberty and adolescence for cis kids let alone those that are questioning their gender or sexuality and I feel there is a long way to go to make this journey smoother or easier for them. I can only hope in the next 10 years before my daughter starts her experience that things have moved forward, if nothing else I want to be the mother for her that I so badly wanted for myself during that time.

[Kimberly K]

Circa sixth grade, classmates decided that I was a vegetarian because they allegedly had not seen me eat meat (they certainly had, I went to a tiny religious private school and had been in the same class for four years at that point). I guess at the time being vegetarian was Weird. And I was and still am anxious about being misperceived so I begged my mom to buy me lunch meat to take to school and like, publicly eat. Then the classmates decided I must have an eating disorder, I'll leave out their graphic description. I didn't at the time as far as I know/remember! But not long after, I definitely did. So that series of actions is among my defining life memories that I should one day unpack in therapy.

On a broader level, it's definitely weird to think about how much of a policed and socially stratified environment the middle school cafeteria was. Who could afford hot lunch, who could afford a lunch from home, who ate "the wrong foods." Teachers were strict about us not sharing food with each other (ostensibly in case of allergies or unfairness) so kids would do a lot of peer pressure around that. We also had a ridiculously narrow lunch time, like some days 15-20 minutes I wanna say or less if our class arrived late, and once that was up you literally had to throw away your food and go to the playground even if you were still eating/hungry. That was incredibly traumatizing to me as a kinda slow eater with no desire for recess. That seems kind of in line with the lunch debt shaming in terms of, rules existing for rules' sake and nobody considering the actual thing they want to accomplish, which would ideally be keeping children nourished.

[Anna]

I got my period at around 11 and a half. It was frequently painful and heavy -- SO MANY times I bled through my school uniform. I felt so alone and awkward about it all. My mum was good with getting me help for the painful and heavy part. Overall puberty was a confusing time for me even though I read the books and the early Internet and knew what to expect. I think the books didn't warn us how it actually felt. What it would be like to experience your body changing. I definitely thickened and fattened and when I look at photos of me in high school the word "stocky" comes to mind, even though I was tall. My waist didn't appear until I was 18 or 19. So I felt I hadn't been warned about that either, how long my body might continue changing. Thankfully in my family there was no fat shaming or diet talk but I was painfully aware of my body and how it did not look like many others at my school.

[Jill C.]

Here’s my puberty experience: I got my period at age 10 (fifth grade), which was considered early in the ’90s. I already wore a bra by this time. Getting my period itself was not a big deal to me. But at the same time, I started to gain quite a bit of weight, and that was very uncomfortable. I had already absorbed a lot of messages about weight from my well-intentioned health-conscious mom (although I don’t blame her for anything that happened) and from diet culture generally. I was never fat but was bigger than many of my friends. At school, boys snapped my bra and told me my legs were too big to wear leggings. I had some upsetting experiences with clothes not fitting and began to think about trying to lose weight. In sixth grade, when my class went to the nurse’s office for annual height and weight, I was taken aback by the number the nurse wrote down for my weight (and it bothered me that she had rounded up). They didn’t announce our weights out loud but gave them to us on little slips of paper, which of course we promptly compared. I realized that my weight was higher than most of the other girls’ weights — and that was the day my eating disorder essentially started.

[Lindsey Bartley]

I started wearing a bra at age 8, after my gym teacher called my mother because I was clutching my chest while running laps. Kids would snap the band. It sucked! I was a DD by the time I was 12. People were so weird about it. I wasn’t allowed to wear a bikini after someone mistook me for 16 at my 13th birthday party (a pool party).

I was in a pretty small (although a tall) body and was constantly told I needed to cover up, or that my body was distracting to boys.

My kids are young - but one is NB and I don’t know how puberty will go! We have maybe 3 more years before we need to start thinking about hormones/delaying puberty at all. We’ll see!

[Hannah]

Like so many others here, I have a complicated relationship with puberty that, at the time, intersected with my still-unexplained cystic acne and later experience with an eating disorder.

My cystic acne started when I was 7.5. Funnily enough, I remember not being so bothered by it; perhaps I was too young to feel the shame I may have felt later? This certainly protected me somewhat once peers started getting hormonal acne, which I never got. I was embarrassed and ashamed, however, by the connections doctors persistently attempted to make between my acne and puberty. I remember one instance vividly when I was seeing a doctor with my mum there (an amazing parent who protected me as best she could), and the doctor made me lift my top so she could examine my chest and decide how developed I was, according to her chart. I was probably 8 at the time, and even then I felt a strange disconnect between what was happening with my skin, and what people assumed was happening elsewhere in my body.

I ended up starting puberty at about 12 (getting my first period at a sleepover! What a spectacular terror!) but definitely grew out before I grew up; I also remember a boy calling me a "fat s**t" when I was around 10 and not in a larger body, but not in a small body either.

This sequence of events, and fear I experienced as my body changed (I also remember plucking out pubic hairs as they appeared), may have been partially to blame for my horrible relationship with my body in later adolescence. There are definitely a lot of intricacies here; thank you for reading this far if you made it! I'm 27 now and I have a 13 month old daughter, so I hope that the work I have done (and continue to do) may help me to not pass down this trauma to her.