How Do You Respond to Diet Talk From Loved Ones?
Do you know when to hold them, know when to fold them, etc.
Today’s Friday Thread is a reader request and one that seems especially useful as we are now firmly in the winter holiday season:
How do you know when it's best to reply to weight/body/food comments with language that might help provide some education to a clueless relative, and when when to just set a boundary and disengage?
I know this is ENTIRELY subjective, but I would love to hear stories from folks about when their intuition has said "OK, this person is stuck in body-shame hell and can use gentle reminders that food and bodies have no moral hierarchy," or when it’s said, "Nah, I'm not going to respond."
I feel like I end up stuck in between—and then panic and flounder. My sister-in-law makes comments about needing to lose weight, my mother-in-law observes what my son is eating and comments on it, and I feel like I show up on the defensive. Then, instead of saying something that is productive in either direction (education or boundaries), I kind of snap and say "OK WELL I DON'T CARE" and then everything feels worse. I'm okay with feeling uncomfortable but I want it to feel like it's worth the discomfort.
We’ve talked about this a bit here and here, and I’ve written about how to navigate these comments with parents (also here) and with folks struggling with eating disorders, but I cannot WAIT to hear your thoughts on this one. It’s such a specific line to walk and figuring out your own ground rules for engagement can take a ton of the stress out of these fraught moments.
(As always, let’s keep things friendly and follow my Thread Ground Rules.)
I used to just ignore or roll my eyes, but since I had my daughter--especially because she is a girl, but I think this would be true if I had had a boy too--I've become much more vocal. My MIL is totally down the diet rabbit hole, despite having a daughter who almost died from anorexia, and it just fills me with rage. (She also happens to be tiny, but to her, apparently, not being tiny is the worst thing ever. It's actually so sad.)
So every time she comments, "I won't eat that, I should be good," or, "I'm being so bad by eating this dessert," or, "Rachel's being good [because I say I don't want something because I'm full or whatever], I should be like her," I now say, "there is no morality to food. There is no good or bad. Please don't talk that way in front of me or [daughter's name.]" Same script every time. I'm not sure it makes a difference, but her daughters both back me up and tell me how much they appreciate it.
I assume I will become more aggressive as my kid gets older and understands more, if she keeps doing it (which she probably will, sadly), but for now, I am very committed to setting the baseline expectation.
My dad is also super fat-phobic, but I've called him out more aggressively (wow, dad, that was super fatphobic) and he has gotten way better at what he says in front of my sisters and me.
Hmmm, I mean my current plan is to go absolutely nuclear, so I guess I could be open to other ideas. I'm going home for the first time in years this Christmas, and I've built myself a nice little life where I basically never encounter diet culture from loved ones, and I am prepared to burn it all to the ground if anyone says bullshit about eating or bodies in front of my kids.
I do have full backup, though, in that my sister and her husband and my husband will all have my back, and I have gone no contact recently enough that it's still on the table, and I just.....I don't care anymore. I'm so tired.
For people with whom I don't have a long history of horrible body shaming, though, I usually just make a really awkward face and say, "uhhhhh" before changing the subject, like I respond as I would if they said something sort of rude or uncouth and I was trying to smooth over it.