I'm relatively new here -- Virginia, I found your work a few months ago while grappling with the mortification of realizing I was falling into an eating disorder in my 40s (triggered by my first less than perfect cholesterol panel this year). It's been really helpful. You helped me eat eggs again. At the same time, reading the NYT articl…
I'm relatively new here -- Virginia, I found your work a few months ago while grappling with the mortification of realizing I was falling into an eating disorder in my 40s (triggered by my first less than perfect cholesterol panel this year). It's been really helpful. You helped me eat eggs again. At the same time, reading the NYT article this morning helped me see something I hadn't quite put my finger on yet, which is this feeling that maybe I don't quite belong here. The thing that clicked into place for me was reading about the demographics of the followers here which are primarily white, cis, straight, suburban. (I'm white, cis, fiercely urban, lesbian) and I realized it was like when I had a baby and went to a "new moms" group where I was the only lesbian and it was like an anthropological study of straight culture (I went home and told my wife: "I think all these women have a deep rage at their husbands that I didn't realize!") I guess I feel an unease with my struggles with diet culture and my queerness which I feel like should have given me an out from all of this and in some ways gives me a different perspective on things. All this is to say: shout out to other queer people here; thank you, Virginia, and the community here for being welcoming.
(Apologies if this was oversharing. May delete later if I'm feeling too vulnerable.)
Megan! I feel everything you are saying. I think there is this big misconception that being queer should somehow make us impervious to diet culture because we resist other cultural norms. And I just don't think it's true and certainly hasn't been my experience!! Thank you for being here and thank you for commenting!
I’m so glad you’re here Meghan! And fwiw, the demographics as reported in the NYT don’t tell the whole story. I’m really proud that we have a growing queer community within Burnt Toast, especially among regular commenters (though yes my own lived experience is as someone who spent decades in a heterosexual relationship).
Totally different in so many ways, but the underlying feeling you describe is not lost on people of color (even cis). I'm a 65 year old, black, feminist, activist, straight sized, woman, childless by choice, who chose 25 years ago not to pursue an intimate relationship. An anomaly in my community. There are times when I say, "fuck it" to how society perceives and deals with my "otherness." But then there are spaces like the space Virginia has created here where I can bring every single part of me, breathe, and pull a seat up to the table. Thank you for that, Virginia. And thank you, Megan.
Queer/lesbian woman here who has struggled with a lot of the same issues as you have!
IME Virginia does a good job of acknowledging whenever her writing is focused on situations that occur mostly in hetero couples & being inclusive generally when appropriate. Personally I tend to have that not-quite-belonging feeling when people are talking about heteronormative relationships and cultural pressure w/o acknowledging me/queerness, but I don’t when it’s explicitly recognized that it’s not universal, if that makes sense.
I value your comment, Megan, please don't delete. I've never felt 'at one' with groups of cis straight women either even though I am one, nominally at any rate.
I'm relatively new here -- Virginia, I found your work a few months ago while grappling with the mortification of realizing I was falling into an eating disorder in my 40s (triggered by my first less than perfect cholesterol panel this year). It's been really helpful. You helped me eat eggs again. At the same time, reading the NYT article this morning helped me see something I hadn't quite put my finger on yet, which is this feeling that maybe I don't quite belong here. The thing that clicked into place for me was reading about the demographics of the followers here which are primarily white, cis, straight, suburban. (I'm white, cis, fiercely urban, lesbian) and I realized it was like when I had a baby and went to a "new moms" group where I was the only lesbian and it was like an anthropological study of straight culture (I went home and told my wife: "I think all these women have a deep rage at their husbands that I didn't realize!") I guess I feel an unease with my struggles with diet culture and my queerness which I feel like should have given me an out from all of this and in some ways gives me a different perspective on things. All this is to say: shout out to other queer people here; thank you, Virginia, and the community here for being welcoming.
(Apologies if this was oversharing. May delete later if I'm feeling too vulnerable.)
Megan! I feel everything you are saying. I think there is this big misconception that being queer should somehow make us impervious to diet culture because we resist other cultural norms. And I just don't think it's true and certainly hasn't been my experience!! Thank you for being here and thank you for commenting!
I’m so glad you’re here Meghan! And fwiw, the demographics as reported in the NYT don’t tell the whole story. I’m really proud that we have a growing queer community within Burnt Toast, especially among regular commenters (though yes my own lived experience is as someone who spent decades in a heterosexual relationship).
Yeah, I get that! And how are we measuring straightness anyway?!
Totally different in so many ways, but the underlying feeling you describe is not lost on people of color (even cis). I'm a 65 year old, black, feminist, activist, straight sized, woman, childless by choice, who chose 25 years ago not to pursue an intimate relationship. An anomaly in my community. There are times when I say, "fuck it" to how society perceives and deals with my "otherness." But then there are spaces like the space Virginia has created here where I can bring every single part of me, breathe, and pull a seat up to the table. Thank you for that, Virginia. And thank you, Megan.
I think this comment was the final death knell for my lack of paid subscription. Thank you for sharing that.
Queer/lesbian woman here who has struggled with a lot of the same issues as you have!
IME Virginia does a good job of acknowledging whenever her writing is focused on situations that occur mostly in hetero couples & being inclusive generally when appropriate. Personally I tend to have that not-quite-belonging feeling when people are talking about heteronormative relationships and cultural pressure w/o acknowledging me/queerness, but I don’t when it’s explicitly recognized that it’s not universal, if that makes sense.
Hey Megan! I love your comment and love that you kept it up! As a queer mom, I really appreciate your reflections
I value your comment, Megan, please don't delete. I've never felt 'at one' with groups of cis straight women either even though I am one, nominally at any rate.
Glad you shared this. Thank you.